There are common patterns to men who get quality and quantity, just like there are common patterns to men who get quantity but low quality, and of course like the guys who get low quantity and low quality. I personally define quality as character. The great thing about defining quality by character is that character involves great looks too. Character does not discriminate looks, but good looks can fall short of character. Some people are very good looking but have very little character. Fortunately a good character attracts good character, regardless of the looks.

What’s Good Character?

Good character is looking at the heart instead of looking at the outside.

While most men are primarily concerned about the looks of woman, a rare man is first and foremost concerned about her character. This majority of men can easily ignore things like intelligence, self-esteem, sense of contribution, and so on. They fail to realize that looks wear off, but character never dies. You might initially be attracted to the looks, but you fall in love with the character. In any circumstance, when men look solely at the exterior and determine quality by it, they praise the one thing that most other men praise: Looks. Think about it – mostly everyone of your guy friends talk about “how hot that chick is” and together they praise her looks, but it’s the man who is unimpressed by her looks and more taken by her character that will win her. This scenario repeats itself over and over again.

In order to better understand the reasons behind this, put yourself in the position of a very good looking girl with strong character. Imagine being that girl and having to put up with every guy trying to grind you from behind or grabbing your arm and saying “What’s up baby girl, do you have a boyfriend?” All of these attempts are pathetic and more importantly, overused. In view of that, while all the other guys do the typical thing, there is one man who is unimpressed by the looks, but certainly curious about the character (and secretly the looks too). He knows that looks can only take someone so far therefore he wisely seeks character above all. This is what very few men know and act on, and the reason why women drool over him. It’s a rare man that sees beyond the looks and it is this quality that makes him so unique and interesting. This is a new challenge.

Take It From The Roots

Stop just treating the symptoms, cure the disease instead

If you’re well read on this site or other truthful dating sites, you may have heard that you “ought to be a challenge to women and make sure her looks don’t affect you”. While that’s true, there is a difference between achieving this with techniques or manipulative behavior and achieving it through true character. In other words, there is a difference between treating the symptom and curing it.

I’m not suggesting that you go and tell yourself one hundred times that you’re not affected by the looks of a beautiful woman, or that you ‘neg’ her to prove you’re not intimidated or to teaser her. I’m not suggesting that you treat the symptom by using techniques or band-aids for when you get rejected. Instead, I’m suggesting that you cure the disease! To cure the disease means to change your perspective instead of changing your techniques.

A change in your physical approach will bring some change, but a change in your perspective will bring massive change. Why is this so? Because your perspective on things determines your techniques and everything else! On the other hand, a change in your technique will be limited if you don’t change your perspective. A change on technique while keeping the same perspective is similar to putting an unfit tire on a car using many different tools. No matter how hard you try or how different your tool is, if the tire is does not fit, then it won’t work. Sure, massive change on technique (over time) will eventually lead to change on perspective but it might take more time than you can afford. There is no pretending on one’s perspective – eventually your behavior will give you away.

Principle-Centered Perspective

You cannot break the laws; you can only break yourself against them.

I almost feel like I’m stealing Stephen Covey’s genius, but I think it’s necessary to explain this briefly before moving on. Stephen Covey is known for his take on Principle-Centered living. His books 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Principle-Centered Leadership, and First Things First (a trilogy I strongly recommend you read) deal with principle-centered living in depth. The main idea is that there are principles for living and there are consequences when we either live in harmony with these principles or against them. For instance, one principle is that of fairness. We can try to cheat the system, violate the rules, be unfair, but at the end, life will hammer us out. But if we live in harmony with fairness, we’ll be rewarded. In short, there is a way things work. Oh how true this is… there are ways things are supposed to work. We can fight against them but we’ll never win. Let’s now apply this concept of principle-centered living to dating, specifically the…

The Perspective of Imperfect Beings and Oneness

Get used to imperfection, it’ll make you more human.

I thought about it for a long time and experience with it for even longer; if there is one perspective to have on dating is that we are all imperfect beings – that indeed we’ll never be perfect. No matter how gorgeous looking or how promising someone is, people will let us down in one way or another. But that’s not the whole equation, we need oneness in it. Oneness tells us that we must live with imperfection and accept it. We must learn to forgive, move on, and in some occasions trust again. When one adopts this perspective, then we tend to seek for character. Looks no longer make up the perfect girl. We see beyond the surface and this makes the timid uneasy and the confident feel at home. Remember that everything wears off except character. It’s one of the few things no one can take away from you.

This is not to disappoint anyone and quickly look for a person’s fault. This is to say that when the fault comes, you’re okay with it. Knowing that we’ll never be perfect makes it so that we don’t glorify looks, but at the same time, it helps us appreciate the character of others.

Skills, Looks, and Competence

Character is not visible at first sight but other things are

You may have a great character, but how will someone ever know if they were never intrigued to find out? Character is not visible at first sight, that’s why you capitalize on skills and looks. Ian Smith put it best in his brilliant article The Darn Good Reasons He Gets The Girl, when he said “Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves”. Here is the deal: You do need the skills and you do need the looks. They are the ones that make the first impressions (and how important are those!). By skills I don’t mean you ought to be able to tell an entertaining story to dozens of people at the same time or fight a lion, but I do mean basic skills such as holding a good conversation or speaking confidently with her friends. And by looks I don’t mean you ought to look like Brad Pitt, but I do mean well-groomed, well-dressed and with an inviting smile. Needless to say, some skills are more attractive than others (per say artistic or fighting skills) and the better looks the merrier, but these are never defining. They just add to the equation.

Let me reiterate that again, skills and looks are not defining, they just add to the equation.

Conclusion

Behind the pretty [and not-so-pretty] faces, we find the same tender emotions that can either master us or be mastered by us. At the end of the day, remember the timeless advice that so many brilliant minds have repeated over and over again: They may forget almost everything, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.

By Ian Smith

1. No Fear

Fear creates resistance, resistance creates reluctance, reluctance creates… and well, reluctance creates nothing! When you do not act, you do not gain anything. Even when a man fails, he gains experience. He who doesn’t act gains nothing but a stronger sense of fear. By not acting, you are cementing that fear into your psyche. Most of the times, if you ask strikingly beautiful women if they are approached a lot, she will say no. And if you see the man she is with, you may wonder to yourself “Really? She picked him?” She didn’t pick this man because he has the best looks or the nicest car, she picked him because he had no fear, and he was  one of the few who approached her. Overcome fear, because in all reality, most of the fears you may have are really silly and illogical.

2. No reservations

This is tied closely to having no fear, but instead is more so linked to the fact that men who are successful with women aren’t tied down by much in their lives. Not much holds them back, and therefore they are able to act without being disabled by what are realistically insignificant aspects of their life. For example, I went two years of my life with a suspended license, during which time I was obviously unable to operate a motor vehicle. Some men would have taken this as a fatal blow to their ability to get girls, but instead of worrying endlessly about what I would do, I just acted. Sure, some girls were turned off by the fact I wasn’t able to pick them up for a date or disillusioned with the idea of dating a guy who was unable to drive, but for the most part this was no major roadblock.

I was honest and clear-cut with my situations and they respected the fact that I made no excuses for it. At the end of the day, it didn’t stop me at all. In fact, many of the women enjoyed playing a more commanding role in the relationship. They got to choose where we went when they would come over, and how we got there. I didn’t mind and for the most part, neither did they. Lesson being, we all have our obstacles, whether they are social, family, or material problems, we can’t let them hold us back from getting what we want.

3. Unique

Following the cookie-cutter example of what masculinity should be is only going to get you a certain type of woman and a certain type of relationship. That being, a cookie-cutter one. You are going to land yourself a ‘blah’ girl and a ‘blah’ relationship. People, in general, are drawn to that which they do not know or are unfamiliar with. If you approach a girl with the same old same old, then she is going to be unimpressed and therefore unenthusiastic in relation to you. In my years on the outside, I was told over and over again by the woman I spent my time with that they were impressed by whom I was. They were surprised when they first met me because they had expected something completely different. Once we began to converse, they were taken off guard by the fact that I was a yoga instructor, philosophy major, MMA fighter, and so on. By knocking down people’s expectations of you with a more intense and interesting illustration of the man you are, they will be absolutely drawn in, so that they may learn more!

4. Manners

There is a huge misconception that says that ‘assholes’ get all the girls. I can tell you that nothing is more false than this statement. Sure, assholes get girls, but they don’t get quality women. They get a woman who is masochistic, passive, and too submissive. What is true is that women like the ‘bad boy’ archetype, but they also want that bad boy to be a sweetheart. There is a fine balance one must strike to truly obtain Grade A women. Having good manners are an extremely important part of your persona, no matter what role you play in life. It’s really quite simple, but just like it, in these days good manners are quite rare. This again, makes you not only well-manners, but also unique.

5. Passion

Passion is a strong desire toward something of your liking. When women see a passionate men, they translate that to mean that this man will be passionate about their relationship. Passion is really the great energizer. Say you’re an animal or nature lover or you are passionate about a sport or some other activity. A woman will see that in your eyes, your words, or in your actions and she will know that this can be translated. There are different types of passion, some of which mean different things to a woman. She will see an animal lover or nature lover as a caring and compassionate caretaker, while she will see someone who is passionate about health and wellness as someone who will be a passionate lover. Knowing this can be used to your advantage in many, many ways.

6. Confidence and Competence

Often times, men walk around with a bloated sense of self-confidence when they aren’t competent – or capable – in their abilities. And other times men lack a sense of self-confidence, even when they are in fact competent in many areas of their lives. There is a balance to be struck. You cannot be confident and not be competent, because sooner or later your skills will be discovered. There is also a problem with being competent, and having no confidence. Your abilities will never have the chance to shine if you lack the confidence to display them. Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves.

For instance, if you are an incredibly intelligent and worldly individual, but never speak up in conversation, no one will ever know this. Or if you are not intelligent, but your false sense of confidence leads you to believe you are, chance are that you may find yourself putting your foot in your mouth and showing your ignorance. Confidence drives women crazy, but over-confidence drives them away! Competence is attractive. Everyone loves someone with talents, but without the confidence to shine, those abilities will never come to light. Reflect and find your balance.

7. Honesty

Being truly honest is something that most people have incredible difficulty with. People tell lies all the time, day in and day out. Big lies and small lies. People lies so much, that many times we don’t even realize we are doing it. Whether we are embellishing a story, covering a mistake, or outright lying, it matters not. This makes honesty a rarity in today’s world. When women (or anyone for that matter) are faced with frank honesty, it is a shocker.Especially when it comes to how you feel or what you think about them. As men, we find ourselves hiding our feelings in an attempt not to be vulnerable. But from my own experiences, every time I’m completely honest with a woman, it brings good things to my relationship with her. Whether I tell her “I really like you” (she likes this) or “I am not looking for a serious relationship, but I want to continue to spend time with you” (she might not like this, but she appreciates the honesty), I always have good results. Try telling the truth; but try it all the time!

8. Deep and Simple

I have never been the guy who goes all out in an attempt to try to impress a woman. I don’t wear expensive clothes (for the most part) and my outfits are certainly not straight out from GQ. My cars have never been top-of-the-line. I’ve never confessed my love in a poem or song. I’ve never laid a bed of roses peddles with 1,000 candles in a room for an evening of romance. I’ve never gone over board with anything, though I am indeed romantic and I do get the job done. How? I try to keep my life – and therefore my relationships – as simple as possible. When I tell a woman my feelings, I don’t beat around the bush; I get right to the point. I have my likes and my dislikes, but I keep an open mind. I don’t have a lot of stuff and therefore I don’t have a lot of junk.  There is no much stress about my life, because for the most part, everything is dealt with. People enjoy being around others who are not plagued with problems and complex baggage.

From my ow personal experiences, complexity creates confusion. Every time I tried to juggle multiple relationships with women through lies and deceit, it came crashing down like a house of cards. But every time I was simply honest with these women and told them I wasn’t about to be exclusive, it was smooth sailing. It seems the simpler I keep things, the easier it is to meet new and exciting people. Perhaps it is because the more complex our lives are, the more we have to focus on life stuff; but the more simple our lives are, the more we can focus on other things – like getting girls! Try reducing all aspects of your life to minimums. Because with that reduction in both physical and mental “stuff”, there is a creation for new growth and opportunity to flourish.

9. Worldly Knowledge

No matter what you think, women do not want to talk about sports all the time (if ever!). Nor do they wish to talk about the inner workings of your last drunken fiasco with your buddies. Sure, they will talk about it from time to time, just like you will listen to her beef with her girlfriends. The idea is to make yourself knowledgeable – to some degree – on all topics. Politics, philosophy, current events, pop culture, science and technology, music, history, and so on. The more you know, the more you can talk about, and the greater your chances of having a meaningful conversation with the beautiful woman of your choice. Even if you are chasing an airhead, if you are able to relate to her (even if she can only talk about say, pop culture) you will be able to develop a rapport with her and therefore, create a relationship with her.

10. The X-Factor!

I’ve heard it a million times, and any guy who has been successful with women in the past can verify this one for me. “There is just something about you that I can’t put my finger on, but I like you” – She says. Whether it’s your kind heart under a rough exterior or witty attitude and ability to think on your feet. Or the way you walk, the way you talk, or the way you look into her eyes while she is talking. There is always something that each of us have. Reflection is the key here. What is that makes you, you? The problem of the guys who don’t get any, is that no one notices their X-factor. No one notices it because they haven’t noticed it, so they can’t show it! I could tell you mine, but it’s top secret. Find your x-factor!

How much they have, how much they will have but never, ever how much they don’t have. That’s against the rules. To not have sex (let’s admit it, the activity is seen as a commodity in the majority of male minds) is to be a loser. To not drink alcohol is to be a spoil sport, and to not have money…Well that depends on what you spent it on.  I realise that by revealing this truth to the women of the internet world, my male ‘wingmen’ will be preparing some disgusting mixture of what only can  be described as brew for me to ‘longarm’ as punishment. Yet secretly, in the dark corners of pubs and clubs across the world, we all know it’s true, and what’s worse is that we all know that women all know.

When is it that the social dynamics of a ‘group’ are formed? If it’s just two guys talking to eachother then the topics will vary enormously. Depending on the friend it may include work, family, politics, philosophy, and goodness knows what else. If three friends hang out then the range of topics decrease as obviously the number of shared interests also decline. Four friends? Well now it’s reduced to universal interests such as music and sport. When there are five friends or more together, it’s my experience that unless you’re all spending a lot of time together and sharing loads of interests, the universal topics are those that you can all relate to is shagging, spending and boozing.

Take today for example. Brad and I were in the car driving into town to meet two others. Our conversation ranged from University, Archeology, websites, future plans, Anthropology and recent parties. We met two good friends for a game of Squash ( a shared interest). Sadly (or thankfully as some of the worse players *cough* would say) the courts were full so we went to the pub for a drink, or two…Actually three (another shared interest). Conversation included recent happenings and future plans as well as a bit of sport. Then we were met by another good friend and after about twenty minutes I pointed out to the group that all we had talked about was sex. How much we were having, how much we would be having, but never, ever how much we are not having. That’s against the rules.

Yet Is this really all we want to talk about as a group?

There is only so much one can talk about sex, money and alcohol. I’m a strong believer in that if a man talks about sex for more than five minutes, especially if it’s about how good it is or how much he’s getting, it means that it’s complete bullshit. Yet real men don’t blab on about this stuff, real men save the world from an economic crisis, or poverty, swine flu and even AIDs. I’d like you to read this following excerpt from a GQ article that discusses the meaning of ambition,

“Because we’re a shower, us modern men, composed for the most part of grasping, solipsistic knuckleheads, any game of tennis-elbow-foot that begins with the word “ambition” will quickly and inexorably tumble towards “money”, “power”, “success”. This is not how it ought to be. A Maserati is not an ambition. It’s a fast car. Being headhunted by a hedge fund, buying a second home in Wiltshire, picking your third wife from an online catalogue, watching your collection of Guatemalan sculpture appreciate in value, looking on as your daughter wins Wimbledon… these are goals, perhaps, but they are far too prosaic, too small, to be ambitions.”

No. This isn’t all we want to talk about. These self-gratifying instant pleasures are for boys. Curing cancer, creating an artificial black hole and solving the energy crisis is for men. This unwillingness to grow up, to look at our adolescent dream of fast cars, fast women, instant cash and to honestly say they are crap is the problem. This week I read a status, “David is finally twenteen!” Not the first time I had heard this new number popping up as teenagers seek to prolong their lack of responsibility. What’s next, twenty-thirteen, thirty-one-teen?! It’s time to aim higher, to find ambitions with slim lines of success, to put our skills to use and make this world a better place.

I am Generation Y. Many of you are Generation Y. Together we are more connected then any generation before us. We blog, we text, we Twitter, we Facebook, we call, we meet and we all have access to more of the world’s information as well as each and every human being than ever before. Yet just because there are more strings does not mean they are stronger strings. Having 10,000 friends on Facebook means nothing if you don’t have a relationship with any of them. Our quantity of connections have increased with technology, but our quality of relationships have not. Tribes start small. They are built on trust and honesty. This is why you’ll find groups of men who have real ambitions that talk about anything but sex, money and alcohol.

They will be obsessed, they will keep trying until death takes them and even then their message will spread. They will only talk about what they talk about because it’s their ambition. It’s a real man’s ambition.

Yet don’t assume those who only talk about materialistic prospects lack ambition. I think we all have it somewhere, under that layer of false beliefs. We can feel it; that yearning for more yet not in a self-gratified way. Men who talk about sex, money and alcohol do so because they haven’t found their calling. Sometimes it will take a death, other times an inspirational story or an inability to prevent something catastrophic that tears your heart apart. Just try and find it before your time runs out. My ambition is to explore the bigger systems at play in this world. To try and grasp an understanding at what makes us tick, how we as a species dance to the rhythm of life. And now that I’ve said it, we can stop talking about sex, money and alcohol… well, maybe just a little bit.

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I saw a man get hit by a car yesterday afternoon. It was a small hatchback, silver in colour that wasn’t traveling fast but enough to cripple a surprised pedestrian with a walking stick. There was no screech of the brakes, but rather a dull thump followed by a shriek from the young girl behind the steering wheel. I witnessed this from the other side of a two part road crossing, and wondered why out of the five people standing near him, not one had seen if he was alright yet. Putting my hand out to stop oncoming traffic I ran towards him, and despite being one of the furthest away, arrived first. Later on Twitter I ranted,

This was shortly replied by my good friend @ajhenry,

Although I had heard of the ‘bystander effect’ many times before, I hadn’t ever been consciously aware of it. By definition it refers to a social phenomenon in which individuals are less likely to offer help in an emergency situation when other people are present. The probability of help is inversely proportional to the number of bystanders. In other words, the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that any one of them will help.

Explanation of The Bystander Effect

As @catfishmaw explained, since the Kitty Genovese case – stabbed to death in 1964. The killing took half an hour, with 38 witnesses and not one intervened or even called the police – there has been huge amounts of psychological research in this area. Social psychologists have managed to demonstrate the effect within ‘labatories’ and now focus on two factors.

Firstly is the case of pluralistic ignorance. What happens is that people ‘monitor the reactions of other people in an emergency situation to see if others think that it is necessary to intervene. Since everyone is doing exactly the same thing (nothing), they all conclude from the inaction of others that help is not needed.’ Sounds bizarre but thinking about it you see the phenomenon everywhere. Imagine you’re inside a shopping centre, a fire alarm goes off but if no one else leaves, then neither do you. What about on a rugby pitch? A member of the other team has broken through your line of defense, if no one else is chasing him, it’s far less likely you will too.

What about a fight outside a nightclub? There are bouncers there, alongside with members of the public – you feel much less inclined to involve yourself than if it were just you. Yet in actual fact this is another reason why people may not help. ‘They may assume that other bystanders are more qualified to help, such as doctors or police officers, and that their intervention would be unneeded.’

The second major factor is known as diffusion of responsibility. During an accident, people assume that someone else is going to intervene and so are less inclined to act individually. This happens on a regular occasion within the London Underground. If a man jumps on the tracks, people at the other end of the platform feel less responsible to react because there are others closer to him.

Of course there are other possible reasons. For example bystanders may feel that it would be a risk to get involved – they might get hit by the train as well. Or that they’d lose face with friends, family and colleagues. This latter motive is very common especially when concerned with interrupting rowdy, anti-social behavior. How many times have you sat on a train and listened to Chavs (don’t know what this is?) ‘pump’ out their tinny (what they think is good) drum and bass on their phone, talking with vulgarities about one of their mate’s sister or mum? More importantly, how many times have you wanted to get a baseball bat of your own and clobber them over the head, but only to be stopped by a friend who is saying, ” don’t do it, just ignore them” ?

To make matters worse these days, there are many laws that may make the witness liable to prosecution. This worsens the bystander effect as people fear having to go to court etc. However, in some European countries (mainly the non-English speaking ones) they have a Good Samaritan Law which neutralizes this threat.

How To Diffuse The Bystander Effect

As @henryaj said, the best way of stopping the bystander effect is to be aware of it. But do you guys think about this? Have you ever experienced something like this? I have a feeling that every time you see something happening that requires assistance from other people, check to see if the bystander effect is taking place. If no one is doing anything, that does not mean nothing needs to be done. Be aware and take action as an individual. Don’t wait for the group, because the group is waiting for you. What other methods do you think exist that could prevent the Bystander Effect?

When you are the victim requiring assistance, point to an individual and ask for their help specifically. When the man was hit by the car, I experienced this for when asked, “has anyone called an ambulance?” no one replied. Only when I turned to a lady on my right and requested that she personally dialed for emergency services  did she act. So when you need help, shout out “hey you, in the red t-shirt, please stop this chav from punching me!”

Make a habit out of taking action. Now you know why people don’t, it serves as a motive for you to act. Be a good samaritan, help save a life.

Other Reading

• “Don’t Just Stand There – Do Something”, Safety Canada, January 2004.
• The Bystander’s Dilemma, Greater Good 3(2), Fall/Winter 2006-2007.
• “I kept saying, ‘Help me, help me.’ But no one did.” by Tara McCartney, The Guardian, August 4, 2005.

It’d be very interesting to see your views on this topic, especially any similar experiences or just points of view. If you’re reading this article on Facebook, then please comment here. Don’t forget to check out our free online forum with over 1,400 members.

Note from Daniel:

Tom, great write up for this article. The bystander effect is really quite something. I too have had experiences in which people just didn’t seem to react. Once as I stepped out of a club, one car recklessly hit a parked car from the side and just took off. I was two blocks away when I saw this and everyone just looked and commenting on what they should do. I immediately ran toward the car to check if there was people inside. Fortunately there was no one. I talked to the people watching and had them call the cops since some of them thought they read the driver’s plates. I was dumb-founded by the experience. So I talked to a friend about it. We realized it’s not only to save lives but for many other things. We came out with the following analogies:

With girls: Often we see that girl getting yelled at by her boyfriend/husband. This should be stopped. It happens quite often and it’s good to know that there are people who stop a guy who is being rude. However, there is also the girl who is uncomfortably sitting by a guy who’s boring her to death and she is just being nice. You can save her from boredom and bring her a new experience. Every guy in there knows that she’s bored. The problem is that they too wonder ‘Will I bore her?’. If you can be that guy who overcomes the ‘bystander effect’, then you’re really making something happen with the girl.

With family: How often do we witness injustice in the family? It might not be violence, but injustice is just as bad. When you see your aunt being nice to one of your cousins and mean to the other, then you know something is wrong. Overcoming the ‘bystander effect’ calls for action in important situations. Family is surely one of them. Do something.

There are plenty of other cases (job, school, etc) but the point is that overcoming or being aware of the ‘bystander effect’ is power. As Tom said, next time you see a situation that may call for your action, ask yourself ‘who’s falling in this bystander effect?’. Then tell yourself that it won’t be you.

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• I was reading my travel diary last night, and I came across an interesting statement that I had forgotten: People shape your world.

The journal entry talks about how I met someone who had just broken up with her boyfriend, and a friend of hers told me it had been a waste of time. Yet I disagreed, writing ‘Everyone you meet changes your perception about something, and so even when they have left, you still ‘have’ a part of them because their thoughts alter your view of the world. For example, if someone teaches you the star constellations, every time you see the stars, you will see them differently. If someone’s favorite color is yellow, you may find more beauty in yellow things. So it’s never a waste. With knowledge comes beauty as well as wisdom.’

Finding the right people

There are some that will alter your perception of world in a negative way. This is a parents nightmare. Your kid starts hanging out with ‘bad influences’ and before you know it school grades have gone down, but nights out are on the rise. At work, there are those that’ll bitch to you about colleagues, or moan about pay. These people won’t help you further your career so watch out. In life there are friends that’ll inspire you, and there are some that’ll deepen the rut in which you’re stuck. Finding the right people to shape your world is crucial to a positive change in perception.

What do the right people wear?

It’s impossible to tell from first glance who the ‘right people’ are. So give everyone a chance. Assume rapport from the moment you meet them and ask questions. Get to know them and establish the truths behind the customary half-truths that we all give during first encounters. I heard once not to trust men wearing ties, but at school everyone had to wear a tie, at work everyone wears a tie, at formal gatherings all men wear ties…So I decided not to trust the man who told me this rule. Only once you feel that you have gotten to know someone; their beliefs, lifestyle, habits, characteristics etc. can you decide whether or not to follow their shaping. Although, just by this encounter they will have already changed your perception of the world in strange ways.

Who shapes the world: Them or me?

It’s your perception that is being changed and it’s your brain doing the changing. The people you meet simply send inputs. These inputs (e.g. information about star constellations) are simply bits of data that are organized and interpreted by you. They are seen through your lens.  Each bit of data or input affects the outcome of every other bit of data received or about to be received. Say for instance you learn that Christopher Columbus was a great man. He traveled the world and conquered great lands. When you read about other travelers Columbus comes to mind, and you begin to develop a great interest in traveling, the old colonial days and history. Then you learn a different truth: Christopher Columbus was a bad man. He promoted slavery, racism and killed thousands of natives as he stole their land. All previous interests are now in jeopardy; when you meet other travelers you wonder about their intentions; when you watch colonial history programs there is a side of you that questions the evil, the darkness.

It’s you who decides how to interpret the ‘truth’. Which is why Judges in Courts of Law dedicate their lives to finding out all different sides of the story to gain a balanced argument.

Look out for the invisible man

However it is often the people you don’t meet that shape your world the most. How many times on the dance floor have you laughed at someone trying to do the moonwalk? You can thank (the now deceased – may he rest in peace) Michael Jackson for those times. Are you living above the poverty line? It could be the case that you have Gordon Brown to thank, for he has brought over 600,000 children and a million pensioners out of poverty. Do you understand the concept of gravity? It was Sir Isaac Newton that brought this comprehension into your life. The people that work behind the scenes (including your parents) are the ones that really shape your world. They’re the ones that work to make it a better place, to help you climb the steps of life.

More paint means more colors

Entertain your mind with as many opinions (and thus people) as possible. The more you have, the more shape your world will take. The more shape, the more beauty. Read enough, listen intensively, watch carefully, live large. These are the words that’ll enable your world to take shape.

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It’s good to try new things. New foods, new drinks, new places, new clothes, new activities, new positions, new people, new music, new news, new beliefs and new ways of thinking. It’s healthy for the brain and the body.

When we get stuck in routines, we begin to live an automatic life. The mind learns through patterns: four wheels is a car and two wheels is a bike. Blue is cold, red is hot. When you get a nine-to-five job, life very quickly forms a routine. You wake up early, you get stuck in a traffic jam, you have a cup of coffee at work, you work, eat lunch,  come home, TV on, feet on sofa and sleep. A.K.A boring.

By trying out new things you stimulate the mind. You develop an environment for growth, learning and fun. For the last five months I’ve been experiencing new things whilst traveling around the world. Never before had I done mountain biking, never before had I even ridden a motorbike (you have to learn quickly for that), last week I went Skydiving, and two months ago you would have found me swimming with sharks. I’ll share with you one thing, when you do these new things time goes much, much slower. Which is a good thing in case you were wondering.

The so called ‘nanny-state’ has gained a bad reputation because children are not experiencing illnesses any more. How can you expect to be a good fighter if you’ve never been hit before? How can you get back up again, if you’ve never fallen? You have to experience the lows, to realize and appreciate the highs. Not only does trying out new things give you opportunity to learn, it also allows you to make mistakes and to learn from them.

Mistakes are beautiful things, as I experienced when putting the throttle down way too far on the motorbike. Falling asleep in the sun without sun protection was also a costly mistake yet both times my lessons have been learnt. And that’s the greatest part of curiosity.

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.”

- Albert Einstein

No one wants to do the same thing every day; the monotomy of it is terrifying as David Eagleman explains in Sum: Forty Tales From The Afterlives. In his book, he describes a possible idea for an afterlife, whereby you relive all your experiences in carefully categorized groups: sleeping 30 years straight, sitting five months on the toilet, spending 200 days in the shower, and so forth. Imagine if this were true, how many days would you be sitting in a traffic jam for? Mindlessly reading magazines, wondering what to do, throwing up or even yawning?

Try new things because they make you feel alive. It’s not difficult either; go to a different restaurant, send a text to your partner with a compliment you’ve never said before or even just go commando for a day. Come on lads, it’s not like you haven’t wanted to try it.

Spontaneity related posts are littered across the forum (which if you haven’t already, JOIN), 12,099 people searched Google for it last year – so it is important to us. Take a day off work, and do something crazy. Travel somewhere, go swimming, running or dancing but do something new! These moments create stories, and stories can be used whilst dating. No girl enjoys listening to “I work behind a desk and my Blackberry 24/7″. I remember in Northern Thailand when I burst out laughing at an innocent question a nice girl asked, “what have you been up to?” because my answer was so bizarre,

“Well, for the last three days I’ve been hiking through the rain forest. I climbed up several mountains, swam under waterfalls, lived with the hill tribes and learnt to play the guitar. With several others, I trekked down river on Elephants, then when rapids appeared we created two bamboo rafts and rode the waters for several hours. Finally, after reaching civilization I visited a Buddhist Wat and meditated with the monks before finishing the weekend with an amazing Thai massage.”

Of course these activities aren’t accessible to us all so we have to make do with other devices, which as Ian Smith writes, this very much includes sex:

• Simple Steps For Turning Good Sex Into Great Sex

Here’s a list of ten new things you can try now in order to get those creative juices going:

1. Find a new recipe, and get cooking.
2. Give your partner a new compliment.
3. Wear something you’d never dare to normally.
4. Do a different exercise.
5. Go somewhere you’ve never been before.
6. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in years.
7. Go commando for a day.
8. Try a new sex position.
9. Stay up a few more hours then normal.
10. Watch a new film.

These are all things you can do but there are also new ways you can think. Yes Man by Danny Wallace is a great example of how life changing a new perspective can be.  A simple change in how you think could alter your life hugely. Take a new look at things, say Yes instead of No, and No instead of Yes. Have a read of other religions, there’s a whole host to choose from:

• Buddhism for Beginners
• Christianity for Beginners
• Islam for Beginners
• Hinduism for Beginners

Even if you don’t take up any new beliefs, you will learn about other peoples belief’s and thus prejudices may be removed, making you a worldier man. Life is more fun when you’re doing things that are new, and the best part is sharing the adventure with your friends afterwards. So all I ask you to do is pick up a pen and write down something new you want to try, then do it.

We all have our unique strengths and it’s important to embrace them.

Forum member Chikito mentioned something very important to me last night on Facebook (add us all here): We should focus on our strengths more than our weaknesses. It’s human nature to think of the bad things in life, and it’s often said that you don’t appreciate the good things until they are gone. Well this article is going to change all that because I ask you to do one thing: Find and develop your strengths. When writing a CV or a letter to any educational position it’s important to put across your strengths. In all interviews they want to know what you’re good at, and the exact same applies to a dinner out with your partner. They don’t want to hear a wing about work, they want to hear what you’re good at!

So then, what are your skills? It could be anything, and there’s no answer too small or irrelevant. Are you good at socializing, dancing, photography, mathematics, car modifications or playing a musical instrument? Are you good at talking on the phone for hours at length? Are you good at choosing the correct clothes for different events? Perhaps your strength lies with an academic subject or a sport?

Do not focus so much on your weaknesses, for your weakness can be someone else’s strength. And it will be a greater strength in itself to work with this person.

Strengths tend to be grouped, so if you’re good at one thing it’s normally the case that you’ll share that gift for another similar activity. For example if you’re good at photography, then you’ll probably pick up film and graphic design relatively easily. If you’re good at talking, then you might be able to write influential speeches with a bit of practice. Being good at one thing tends to mean that you’re good at a whole host of activities – so find your strength and then you can develop many more. You like swimming? Then try wake boarding.

University

Once you have pinpointed exactly where your strengths lie, come up with all related activities. By trying these new things, you’re most likely to develop greater strengths and passion for this area of expertise. And the world needs specialists. This is the step-by-step process that nearly all University degree programmes go through: In the first year you study a broad subject including modules from all sub-disciplines. Then in the second year you choose to narrow it down a bit, and focus more on the sub-disciplines you enjoy. By the third or fourth year you have specialized into the sub-discipline that you have the greatest strength and passion for.

Business

In Business though, it’s good to flip this specialization around and continue to try out new branches. Air Asia‘s business guru Tony Fernandes is known to spend several days of the year trying out all aspects of the company such as being the Check-In Assistant, Baggage Handler and Aircraft Attendant. Having a wide knowledge and experience helps develop strong foundations on which to focus on your strengths.

Relationships

Attraction is built on the exchange of positive value. Your strengths are your positive value, and the more of it that you have to give the more attractive you are. If you talk about your weaknesses all the time, not only is it boring, it’s exchanging negative value. Imagine an Alpha Lion saying to his Mare, “Sweetheart, I can’t hunt, I can’t fight, and I can’t lead my brothers. But please stay with me.” Realise that you do have strengths and thus positive value to give and you are already one step ahead. Never think that what your strengths are aren’t attractive because this simply isn’t true. There are potential partners out there that love the same thing as you, no matter how specialist and bizarre (read – The Art Of Speaking Little and Saying a lot). Although your date loves you to have many strengths, don’t be blind your weaknesses. Being able to recognize and beware of your weaknesses is a strength in itself.

Comparative Advantage

Some people are just better suited to certain things. It may be due to nature or nurture it doesn’t matter. So if there is a particular subject you’re terrible at, don’t fret too much. There will be other people probably very close to you (as Forum member Tonatiuh8 explains here) who are good at these things, and it’d be of greater benefit to focus on learning how to communicate with them so that together you can be a team (read – The Importance Of Being On A Team!). There’s no point filling your brain with irrelevant information that you’re never going to use nor enjoy.

“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it’s letting go.”

What are your strengths then? Take action now and reply beneath.

Those of you who are well read in self-improvement material will be accusing me of stealing this concept from Stephen Covey. And I’m guilty as charged. I had to share this with you though:

Covey explains that urgent matters are those we write on to-do lists, post-it notes, stickers on the fridge and highlighted scribbles on last night’s Thai takeaway napkin. Urgent things must be done ASAP, they have deadlines and consequences. Yet important events take a lower priority. These include building relationships with friends, family, colleagues and even your pet dog. Important issues may sound trivial, (who would consider taking out your neighbour’s trash to be urgent? ) but they hold a stronger significance than sending that email to a business consultant before dusk.

Imagine a regular scenario in life whereby your girl friend plans a dinner for you both. The day arrives and whilst you’re at work the boss asks you to stay behind to discuss next month’s profit forecasts. Two options go through your mind: On the one hand you can gain greater respect and trust from your boss if you stay behind, possibly get to know him better at a personal level to further your financial career. On the other hand you say ‘no’ and go to dinner, thus showing your partner that she comes first which develops your relationship with her. It’s a tough choice, one that you should think about before making a firm decision.

What’s Urgent and What’s Important is the question you need to answer. Can the profit forecasts be discussed early morning the next day? Can the dinner be re-scheduled with minimal fuss? What does your girl friend think? Ask these questions then make a decision. If you decide to continue with the pre-arranged plans i.e. the dinner, then explain to your boss the truth: That you had already promised to take her out for dinner, and that you shall present the forecasts tomorrow morning at breakfast.

Important issues often regard family. Many of PUA Lifestyle readers are studying at University, and it is a familiar occurrence when a parent or loved one asks for a phone call soon. Yet when you wake up and look at your never ending scroll of a to-do list: assignments, revision, reading, tutorials, partying and sex, the phone call to Mum is the last thing on your mind. It’s the most important though. Family is your back bone and it is important to maintain regular ‘emotional bank deposits‘. Carrying out these important issues are crucial in determining your characteristics. By doing the important rather than the urgent, you develop trust with others; trust which grows slowly and strongly.

The same applies with friends. Imagine that your best mate is feeling a bit crap. His girl friend has just dumped him publicly over Twitter, and the last thing on his mind is to go to the party happening that night. This party is huge, all your other best friends, the chick that you’ve wanted for months, the best DJs, free drinks and you’re a VIP. Your other mates say that’s it’s imperative that you come, it’s absolutely needed, wanted, desired, and absurd if you don’t go. After all, SHE’s GOING TO BE THERE. Staying with your best mate is important, going to the party is urgent.

Your best mate tells you not to be a wet-bag and to go to the party. So you take his advice and go. Turning up with smiles and laughs your friends ask you of your mate. They’re glad you came, but slightly surprised you left him. Then the girl of your dreams walks straight up to you and asks where your best mate is…”You left him at home? Oh…” and then walks off. You’re muttering out, “he said I could go…he said he didn’t want me…come back!” But it’s too late. If you had stayed back, yes your other friends would have given you a tiny bit of stick, but they would all be appreciative of the fact that if it were them in a similar scenario, they could trust you.

In your job, whether it be a corporate firm or your own small-scale business the same principals apply. Lunch with a regular customer, or three phone calls to potential new clients? It’s important to maintain good relationships with existing customers, and it’s urgent to find new ones. I hope this message is becoming increasingly clear now, and that you find it pretty easy to determine which option you should choose.

Urgent matters have short term benefits. Important affairs have long term benefits. Handing in that essay on time will stop you from sticking out like a sore thumb, but talking to the professor for an hour after the lecture will perch you high on a pedestal. Going to the gym will prevent the loss of synchronization with your protein shake diet, but walking in the park with your sister will develop your relationship. Next crucial episode of Desperate Husbands or a conversation with your house mate? Urgent or Important? Covey says that it’s all about growing from independent to interdependent.

I received  an email from a certain girl back in England a few weeks ago explaining that she had a formal to attend yet had no date. She had asked several guys but they had all been taken, and this is a beautiful girl so it was quite surprising news. Being on the other side of the world I wondered how I could help, and the answer was obvious: Change a few flights and make a dream come true. I told her not to ask anyone else, and to trust that I would be there. What I sacrificed is irrelevant because I knew what was important to her and I.

As Daniel explains in Ten Tips For Finals Week,

“Learn to say ‘no’ to those things that are not important to you, so that you have enough power and time to say ‘yes’ to those things that ARE important.”

Distinguishing between these two variables is an important part of developing your characteristics. You can be the man that always have things done on time, you always perform well at work and you always go to parties…Or you can be the man that everyone trusts when they really need you, that they respect for prioritising relationships over social status, and admire for taking the time to understand before seeking to be understood.

It’s important that you Facebook this post, but it’s urgent that you re-tweet it on Twitter. What’s it to be? Use the handy buttons below!

By Daniel Becerra

My second year in university is now done. What a time. As a kid, I used to look forward to be a University student, and then a professional. I always wanted to be like my Dad and Mom. I wanted to be the person who knew where things were, the person who took care of things, the person who brought income to the home – a ‘grown up’ if you will.

My older half-brother and Mom actually went college as I grew up (as well as all of my cousins, which I must say, are not that many) so in a way, I’m privileged to have that as an inspiration, or perhaps, a fear of disappointing. Although, I was never conscious of it, I was – to a certain extent – afraid of disappointing my family, which is a series of professionals from doctors and private teachers to bankers and engineers and even lawyers. I never intended to be the ‘oveja negra’ (the black sheep), the ugly duck, as they say. I did not want to be the one who couldn’t get things done.

I received pressure from every side. Dad wanted me to be an engineer. Mom wanted me to be a lawyer. When I actually was able to use my brain, I first inclined toward engineering. Though, shortly after taking trigonometry, I decided math was not for me. That, I guess, broke Dad’s heart. I then developed a new passion for literature, and reasoning, so I began to lean toward Law – needless to say Mom was happy. That didn’t help to Dad’s already injured soul. Shortly after that ‘decision’ though, an innocent call took place (it always begins with a call)

And so I came to this country, the United States

And my philosophy was shaped. I met extraordinary people and heard of extraordinary thinkers. I read (and continue to read) the works of modern thinkers like Jim Rohn, Anthony Robbins, Stephen Covey, Jeffrey Gitomer, Charlie Jones, Barack Obama (yes); along with the giants of the past, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr. The list continues to grow. It didn’t take me long to decide that I wanted to do for the rest of my life was to be like one of these guys. That I would be a enlightenment thinker and that my life is meant to stir up people’s minds, souls, and hearts, so that we come together despite our differences, and that we take care of ourselves (which will help us take care of each other) first before taking care of others.

I don’t criticize universities. I think they are great institutes, of course, but sometimes I just wished they stressed the importance of several things. These are just some of them:

* Most people think of changing the world, but very few think of changing themselves – that’s not how it works. It all begins with you. If you grow, the world around you grows. So take care of yourself first, and thereof, others will be taken care of.

* You really are the average of the people you hang out with most often. Therefore, strike to hang out with the very best at all the areas needed in life. Hang out with those who know the value of hard work, responsibility, spirituality, and gratitude.

* Always do the one thing that you love. Fight for it, if you have. Your parents, your friends, and others cannot decide what you will do for the rest of your life. Don’t think about the money; for it’s better to have an empty stomach than it is to have an empty heart. Besides, you’ll make plenty of it, if and only if you do what you love.

* Money is not the root of all evil. Fear is. Some people use money as make up for their fear of rejection. This fear is not there to paralyze us, but to make us stronger. To paralyze ourselves is to succumb to evil.

* Opposite to popular belief, power is not a bad thing. Power is the medium, but the object behind it is the force. So, power to good people does good for others. Power to bad people, is always bad news.

* Most rich people (in money and spirit) want the poor to succeed.

* You can make more friends in one month by showing interest in others, than you can make in one year by trying to get others interested in you. In the same way, you can achieve whatever you want if you just helped others enough to achieve what they want.

* The 80/20 rule: All leaders must understand that 80% of a group of people only do 20% of the work, and the other 20% of the group will do 80% of the work. That 20% will produce 80% of the income, of productivity, of resilience. Don’t fight that, just work around it. Do so by spending personal time with the 20% group, and spend group time with the 80% group.

* Everything that you need to know in order to be truly successful has already been written. There is not one issue that someone else hasn’t faced before. These books are not only answer-finders, but they also shape your philosophy and outlook in life – therefore, miss a meal if needed, but not a book.

* As a nation, we lack enough ‘empathy’. If each of us asked ourselves ‘How would that feel if they did to me?’, then perhaps we would closer despite our differences. Always ask yourself ‘How would that feel?’ and then ‘What should I do then?’

* Journals are a way of getting to know more of yourself. If the idea or thought is worth writing down, then take the time to do so. Indeed, a journal is one of those treasures to pass on from generation to generation.

* Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you can never get more time. Thereof, strike to figure how to make better use of your time, not how to make more money.

* Business leadership is over rated. It is family, friendship, and relationship leadership that moves the world. So if there is a ever a place to practice leadership, it’s at home, at a social gathering, and with your partner.

* The dawn comes after the dark. And the good thing is, the dawn always comes, no matter how long the dark may feel. Therefore, remember the words of Winston Churchill: Never,ever, never give up.

In the hope that you found this inspiring and you use it as a guidance for your future, I’ll leave you. Feel free to add whatever you’d like to add – after all, teaching is one of the fastest ways of learning. Be well.

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The Ego is your self identity, it is who you think you are and the first step to achieving growth is to find it; to explore your personality, behaviors and characteristics because in one way or another they influence the opportunities presented to you in life.

In Brief: Learn about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses so that you can work on them. When opportunity comes, you’ll be able to grasp it with less difficulty. This long article contains three techniques to explore your personality:

1. Ask questions
2. Analyze life experiences
3. Find your reflection

Introduction

‘Ego’ derives from the Ancient Greeks to mean I am. Ask yourself now this question: Who am I? When learning foreign languages one of the first things you are taught is how to present yourself by name, but what does this really mean? When Robert Hawkings, a physicist of Stanford University, USA asked me to tell him about myself, I began with descriptions: Things I enjoy, preferences, sports, music, stories and skills. Contrary to what a name suggests, who you are is not a single entity but rather a combination of complex factors that create a personality.

I met Robert Hawkings and we became instant friends when I shared my enthusiasm for a book he was reading, The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. Whether we would have ever become acquainted without my previous reading of the book one will never know. But it is how I came into possession of the book that is interesting. Through the willingness to explore my self-identity in Bangkok I was able to find several opportunities which beautified my life.

During a rural excursion in Chiang Mai, North Thailand, a chemical engineer named Aaron explained to me the possibility that our decisions in life are derived from a genetic level. That we (in terms of human body and mind) are survival machines, and that all our choices are created from their (the genes) desire to survive. He recommended Dawkin’s book which I read with a fascinated earnest.

An openness to change and knowledge allowed me to develop a previously nonexistent passion for science. So when Hawkings sat next to me on a busy bus, I saw the opportunity and grabbed it. What followed were multiple conversations, hours in length long into the night about the universe and CHAOS theory. I woke up that next morning with a new perception of the world: A better one.

From this encounter my self-identity had changed (or perhaps even improved). By exploring your personality; Who you are, one is able to promote greater levels of self-development.

1. Ask Questions

The easiest way to learn about yourself is to ask questions and answer them truthfully, to the very best of your ability. By exploring your self-identity you will find your strengths and weaknesses which can then be used to develop wealth and success.

This was made apparent to me whilst relaxing at a Raggae bar in Langkawi, Malaysia. Accompanying me was an English girl who asked a question I had never heard before, “What is the last thing you tell people about yourself?” It took a long while before a truthful answer was given and afterwards in bed I contemplated the question. Many of the answers which flashed before the mind had no logical reason as to why they should be kept secret, and so in my travel journal I wrote a list of questions in an attempt to learn more about myself.

Daniel explains in How To Use A Journal that asking yourself constructive questions constantly is a profitable exercise that requires very little effort. He argues that although your subconscious may have all the answers, they are muddled in such a way that they make no logical sense. Fragmented memories do not conjoin in a sequential order and so often irrational beliefs are created. Beliefs that are negative and deconstructive.

Meditation allows you to experience this first hand. Sitting in a circle of twenty men and women I watched thoughts flutter by in a Buddhism class. Buddhist meditation teaches to be a witness of your thoughts, to stand high on a hill and watch the clouds go by. At first these clouds are sporadic, random in shape, colour and size, but then after a while they become calm. A Thai Monk Liu Nii, agreed with Daniel’s advice, saying that often he (Liu Nii) exercises in a Question Injection routine where by during meditation he would fire a single question into his mind, and then witness all the sub-conscious thoughts come forward. Then using the conscious mind he could fragment the clutter and find an answer to the question.

This powerful exercise can be done just as well with a piece of paper and a pen. What follows is a list of ten questions that will enable you to explore your ego. Try to answer them in depth, and don’t stop until they have all been completed. If you do find difficulty in answering one, note down possible reasons for the hesitation.

1. What do you think your strengths are and why?
2. What do you think your weaknesses are and why?
3. What are your interests and why?
4. What are your fears?
5. Where do you see yourself in two, five and ten years time?
6. What do you over-indulge yourself in and why?
7. What are your goals, dreams and ambitions?
8. What are the interests of your friends?
9. Does anyone in particular inspire you?
10. How would you describe yourself to a blind man?

Write these answers truthfully and store them so that once you have finished this article, you may come back in a week or month and answer them again. The difference will be astounding.

2. Analyze Life Experiences

Asking questions is one way of learning about your self-identity, but another equally powerful tool is that of analyzing life experiences. During unpredictable moments of your life, one’s true colors are shown. All those subconscious thoughts, emotions and memories are instantly put into play. They way you react gives a clear insight into your Ego, your core beliefs, strengths and weaknesses. These moments are rare and unforgettable.

At that same Raggae Bar I approached two girls and asked if I could join them.

“Yeah, of course!” Chirped back a long-blonde haired Essex girl merrily. For a few minutes we built rapport and held decent conversation. She then inquired into “[my] story” to which I replied, “Well I’m actually at the very beginning of my trip. Maybe you could give me some words of wisdom. What’s the craziest thing to have happened to you?” What followed was quite a surprise.

“I was raped, twice.”

When people tell me shocking things, I tend to take it as a factual statement, which it is, but I never portray emotional horror. “Where was that?”

“North Thailand” she explained, going into the details of how her drink was spiked and how she woke up next to the guy, freaked out and ran around the streets half naked crying. “The nicest family ever took me in. I love them, they came outside and brought me in. They gave me warm clothes, food, everything for a week. The doctor came and said I was OK but should go for hospital checks.”

“STI’s?”

“Yeah, the main worry being AIDs of course. For the next thrity days I was in and out of there. I wanted to be checked for everything, every fucking thing.” her tonality wavered, emotion seeping through.

“Did they catch him?”

“No, he was a holiday maker so probably gone home.”

“Shit that’s bad, I don’t know why but I assumed he would be a local. You didn’t go home no?”

“No. If I had gone home, it would have been like giving in. They win, you know. I didn’t want it to stop me, I’m a strong girl and I wasn’t going to let them put me down.”

After that night, I lay down on my bunk bed contemplating what she had told me. So honest, so open. These experiences, although terrible in their nature, they had made her stronger. There’s always a bright side. It inspired me they way she didn’t care about what people thought or said. She had no fear of criticism now.

You will learn much by asking constructive questions and you should do so often. Yet sometimes, there are occasions in life when an unpredictable event will take place giving an opportunity to directly explore your self-identity. These opportunities are disguised and not easily found. They can be hidden behind great pain, distress and anguish but with an openness to learning about the Ego they can be found.

A clear example the majority of people can relate to is that of grief. It’s when we  grieve for a loved one that we fully realize our love for that person. We discover previously unknown feelings and passions that would have greatly altered our lives if they had previously be known. Our lives change with beliefs. If you believe you are strong, then when a test of weakness arises you are more likely to win. Beliefs shape our lives, positive beliefs lead to growth, success and wealth. Negative beliefs hinder all growth, reject opportunities and lead to a life of disappointment. By exploring the question who am I? you can strengthen those that are constructive, and change those that are not.

So far then, we have discussed that by asking questions of oneself, and analyzing life experiences you can learn about your Ego or self-identity which, in turn can lead to a greater awareness of positive opportunities. Another way to discover your Ego is by looking at your reflection…

3. Find Your Reflection

How we see the world reflects how we see ourselves. I expressed this concept to a telesales marketer in Bangkok after he stated, “it’s a dog-eat-dog world where only selfish leadership survives” I disagreed saying, “that’s just the way you see things. You see every move, every invitation and opportunity as a threat when really they are not. you told me earlier that you’ve been wanting to start your own business for many years now and yet it hasn’t happened. You need to change the way you view the world, because it is one where many friendships can be made, open up and let these ‘dogs’ attack because after all, what do you have to lose?”

When and if you get angry at something or someone, pull back and ask yourself why. Anger is an emotion, if you are feeling it you have chosen to be angry, you are allowing this moment to have a negative influence. A choice always exists. Our cultural lenses are the perception through which we see the world. These lenses can never be removed for every moment of experience adds to them. All negative perceptions are like taints or blotches on these lenses. They physically hinder your view, cause blemishes and result in a false perception that restricts growth. These lenses are built from your characteristics, habits and traits. When analyzed they can reveal your ego; your self-identity.

Through the acquisition of knowledge and understanding; a desire and willingness to explore the ego; one may expand and clean these cultural lenses so that they give a broader perspective of the opportunistic horizon. Change the way you view the world and you yourself will grow.

After traveling around SE Asia for the initial few months I called my Bambino back home to share with her my latest adventures. She asked me whether I thought I had changed;  the answer to which I was unsure. She voiced her opinion, explaining that just through my voice tonality I seemed calmer, less excitable and less prone to immediate conclusions (that thus lead to emotional fluctuations – but don’t worry, her way of speaking is much more feminine). Contemplating this afterward, I realized that not once had I ever been angry nor sad so far on my trip. For such a long duration this was abnormal, as I would at least get slightly grumpy once a month at home.

Speaking to other single-travelers we shared the same revelation and pondered why happiness should be so abundant in an alien environment whilst traveling alone. It wasn’t long before answers came. We chose to be positive. When something goes wrong, we couldn’t blame the external environment because we didn’t understand it. We couldn’t blame anyone else because we all traveled alone, and we weren’t exactly going to put ourselves down as that worsens the problem. So, the only thing we could do during a negative situation is to turn it around, change it into a positive experience.

An example of this was when I arrived in Railay, South Thailand to learn how to rock-climb. In a longboat six of us were dropped off on the beach late at night as monsoon rains poured from the skies above. Carrying heavy rucksacks we slipped and trudged our way across the beach not knowing where to go. A power cut across the village meant that we couldn’t see anything, and the mud roads had turned into rivers so there was no way we could seek shelter. Hearts sunk, we gathered under a tree cold and wet. It was a negative situation that could easily result in negative emotions. We couldn’t blame the weather, for no one can choose that; we couldn’t blame the people, because there were none; and we wouldn’t blame ourselves for that’s self-destructive. Thus the only choice was to either sulk in the damp, or turn it around.

Dumping our bags we stripped out of our soaked clothes and ran into the sea. Embracing the rain (perceived negative factor) we chose it to be a positive situation, one that induced laughter and fun long into the early hours of the morning.

Conclusion

Changing the way you view the world can change the way you think and (re)act. Over time these actions turn into habits; and habits develop into characteristics – fundamentally changing your self-identity. To explore the ego, analyze the way you interact with the environment and the situations it throws at you. Knowing who you are, including all weaknesses and strengths will build your confidence, self-esteem and discipline for it will enable you to seek out new opportunities.

As a final thought provoking teaser, here is a list of the most common fears mankind inhabits. Do you maintain any of these?

1. Fear of Death
2. Fear of Poverty
3. Fear of Loss of Love
4. Fear of Rejection
5. Fear of Criticism
6. Fear of Ill Health

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