There are common patterns to men who get quality and quantity, just like there are common patterns to men who get quantity but low quality, and of course like the guys who get low quantity and low quality. I personally define quality as character. The great thing about defining quality by character is that character involves great looks too. Character does not discriminate looks, but good looks can fall short of character. Some people are very good looking but have very little character. Fortunately a good character attracts good character, regardless of the looks.

What’s Good Character?

Good character is looking at the heart instead of looking at the outside.

While most men are primarily concerned about the looks of woman, a rare man is first and foremost concerned about her character. This majority of men can easily ignore things like intelligence, self-esteem, sense of contribution, and so on. They fail to realize that looks wear off, but character never dies. You might initially be attracted to the looks, but you fall in love with the character. In any circumstance, when men look solely at the exterior and determine quality by it, they praise the one thing that most other men praise: Looks. Think about it – mostly everyone of your guy friends talk about “how hot that chick is” and together they praise her looks, but it’s the man who is unimpressed by her looks and more taken by her character that will win her. This scenario repeats itself over and over again.

In order to better understand the reasons behind this, put yourself in the position of a very good looking girl with strong character. Imagine being that girl and having to put up with every guy trying to grind you from behind or grabbing your arm and saying “What’s up baby girl, do you have a boyfriend?” All of these attempts are pathetic and more importantly, overused. In view of that, while all the other guys do the typical thing, there is one man who is unimpressed by the looks, but certainly curious about the character (and secretly the looks too). He knows that looks can only take someone so far therefore he wisely seeks character above all. This is what very few men know and act on, and the reason why women drool over him. It’s a rare man that sees beyond the looks and it is this quality that makes him so unique and interesting. This is a new challenge.

Take It From The Roots

Stop just treating the symptoms, cure the disease instead

If you’re well read on this site or other truthful dating sites, you may have heard that you “ought to be a challenge to women and make sure her looks don’t affect you”. While that’s true, there is a difference between achieving this with techniques or manipulative behavior and achieving it through true character. In other words, there is a difference between treating the symptom and curing it.

I’m not suggesting that you go and tell yourself one hundred times that you’re not affected by the looks of a beautiful woman, or that you ‘neg’ her to prove you’re not intimidated or to teaser her. I’m not suggesting that you treat the symptom by using techniques or band-aids for when you get rejected. Instead, I’m suggesting that you cure the disease! To cure the disease means to change your perspective instead of changing your techniques.

A change in your physical approach will bring some change, but a change in your perspective will bring massive change. Why is this so? Because your perspective on things determines your techniques and everything else! On the other hand, a change in your technique will be limited if you don’t change your perspective. A change on technique while keeping the same perspective is similar to putting an unfit tire on a car using many different tools. No matter how hard you try or how different your tool is, if the tire is does not fit, then it won’t work. Sure, massive change on technique (over time) will eventually lead to change on perspective but it might take more time than you can afford. There is no pretending on one’s perspective – eventually your behavior will give you away.

Principle-Centered Perspective

You cannot break the laws; you can only break yourself against them.

I almost feel like I’m stealing Stephen Covey’s genius, but I think it’s necessary to explain this briefly before moving on. Stephen Covey is known for his take on Principle-Centered living. His books 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Principle-Centered Leadership, and First Things First (a trilogy I strongly recommend you read) deal with principle-centered living in depth. The main idea is that there are principles for living and there are consequences when we either live in harmony with these principles or against them. For instance, one principle is that of fairness. We can try to cheat the system, violate the rules, be unfair, but at the end, life will hammer us out. But if we live in harmony with fairness, we’ll be rewarded. In short, there is a way things work. Oh how true this is… there are ways things are supposed to work. We can fight against them but we’ll never win. Let’s now apply this concept of principle-centered living to dating, specifically the…

The Perspective of Imperfect Beings and Oneness

Get used to imperfection, it’ll make you more human.

I thought about it for a long time and experience with it for even longer; if there is one perspective to have on dating is that we are all imperfect beings – that indeed we’ll never be perfect. No matter how gorgeous looking or how promising someone is, people will let us down in one way or another. But that’s not the whole equation, we need oneness in it. Oneness tells us that we must live with imperfection and accept it. We must learn to forgive, move on, and in some occasions trust again. When one adopts this perspective, then we tend to seek for character. Looks no longer make up the perfect girl. We see beyond the surface and this makes the timid uneasy and the confident feel at home. Remember that everything wears off except character. It’s one of the few things no one can take away from you.

This is not to disappoint anyone and quickly look for a person’s fault. This is to say that when the fault comes, you’re okay with it. Knowing that we’ll never be perfect makes it so that we don’t glorify looks, but at the same time, it helps us appreciate the character of others.

Skills, Looks, and Competence

Character is not visible at first sight but other things are

You may have a great character, but how will someone ever know if they were never intrigued to find out? Character is not visible at first sight, that’s why you capitalize on skills and looks. Ian Smith put it best in his brilliant article The Darn Good Reasons He Gets The Girl, when he said “Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves”. Here is the deal: You do need the skills and you do need the looks. They are the ones that make the first impressions (and how important are those!). By skills I don’t mean you ought to be able to tell an entertaining story to dozens of people at the same time or fight a lion, but I do mean basic skills such as holding a good conversation or speaking confidently with her friends. And by looks I don’t mean you ought to look like Brad Pitt, but I do mean well-groomed, well-dressed and with an inviting smile. Needless to say, some skills are more attractive than others (per say artistic or fighting skills) and the better looks the merrier, but these are never defining. They just add to the equation.

Let me reiterate that again, skills and looks are not defining, they just add to the equation.

Conclusion

Behind the pretty [and not-so-pretty] faces, we find the same tender emotions that can either master us or be mastered by us. At the end of the day, remember the timeless advice that so many brilliant minds have repeated over and over again: They may forget almost everything, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.

By Ian Smith

1. No Fear

Fear creates resistance, resistance creates reluctance, reluctance creates… and well, reluctance creates nothing! When you do not act, you do not gain anything. Even when a man fails, he gains experience. He who doesn’t act gains nothing but a stronger sense of fear. By not acting, you are cementing that fear into your psyche. Most of the times, if you ask strikingly beautiful women if they are approached a lot, she will say no. And if you see the man she is with, you may wonder to yourself “Really? She picked him?” She didn’t pick this man because he has the best looks or the nicest car, she picked him because he had no fear, and he was  one of the few who approached her. Overcome fear, because in all reality, most of the fears you may have are really silly and illogical.

2. No reservations

This is tied closely to having no fear, but instead is more so linked to the fact that men who are successful with women aren’t tied down by much in their lives. Not much holds them back, and therefore they are able to act without being disabled by what are realistically insignificant aspects of their life. For example, I went two years of my life with a suspended license, during which time I was obviously unable to operate a motor vehicle. Some men would have taken this as a fatal blow to their ability to get girls, but instead of worrying endlessly about what I would do, I just acted. Sure, some girls were turned off by the fact I wasn’t able to pick them up for a date or disillusioned with the idea of dating a guy who was unable to drive, but for the most part this was no major roadblock.

I was honest and clear-cut with my situations and they respected the fact that I made no excuses for it. At the end of the day, it didn’t stop me at all. In fact, many of the women enjoyed playing a more commanding role in the relationship. They got to choose where we went when they would come over, and how we got there. I didn’t mind and for the most part, neither did they. Lesson being, we all have our obstacles, whether they are social, family, or material problems, we can’t let them hold us back from getting what we want.

3. Unique

Following the cookie-cutter example of what masculinity should be is only going to get you a certain type of woman and a certain type of relationship. That being, a cookie-cutter one. You are going to land yourself a ‘blah’ girl and a ‘blah’ relationship. People, in general, are drawn to that which they do not know or are unfamiliar with. If you approach a girl with the same old same old, then she is going to be unimpressed and therefore unenthusiastic in relation to you. In my years on the outside, I was told over and over again by the woman I spent my time with that they were impressed by whom I was. They were surprised when they first met me because they had expected something completely different. Once we began to converse, they were taken off guard by the fact that I was a yoga instructor, philosophy major, MMA fighter, and so on. By knocking down people’s expectations of you with a more intense and interesting illustration of the man you are, they will be absolutely drawn in, so that they may learn more!

4. Manners

There is a huge misconception that says that ‘assholes’ get all the girls. I can tell you that nothing is more false than this statement. Sure, assholes get girls, but they don’t get quality women. They get a woman who is masochistic, passive, and too submissive. What is true is that women like the ‘bad boy’ archetype, but they also want that bad boy to be a sweetheart. There is a fine balance one must strike to truly obtain Grade A women. Having good manners are an extremely important part of your persona, no matter what role you play in life. It’s really quite simple, but just like it, in these days good manners are quite rare. This again, makes you not only well-manners, but also unique.

5. Passion

Passion is a strong desire toward something of your liking. When women see a passionate men, they translate that to mean that this man will be passionate about their relationship. Passion is really the great energizer. Say you’re an animal or nature lover or you are passionate about a sport or some other activity. A woman will see that in your eyes, your words, or in your actions and she will know that this can be translated. There are different types of passion, some of which mean different things to a woman. She will see an animal lover or nature lover as a caring and compassionate caretaker, while she will see someone who is passionate about health and wellness as someone who will be a passionate lover. Knowing this can be used to your advantage in many, many ways.

6. Confidence and Competence

Often times, men walk around with a bloated sense of self-confidence when they aren’t competent – or capable – in their abilities. And other times men lack a sense of self-confidence, even when they are in fact competent in many areas of their lives. There is a balance to be struck. You cannot be confident and not be competent, because sooner or later your skills will be discovered. There is also a problem with being competent, and having no confidence. Your abilities will never have the chance to shine if you lack the confidence to display them. Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves.

For instance, if you are an incredibly intelligent and worldly individual, but never speak up in conversation, no one will ever know this. Or if you are not intelligent, but your false sense of confidence leads you to believe you are, chance are that you may find yourself putting your foot in your mouth and showing your ignorance. Confidence drives women crazy, but over-confidence drives them away! Competence is attractive. Everyone loves someone with talents, but without the confidence to shine, those abilities will never come to light. Reflect and find your balance.

7. Honesty

Being truly honest is something that most people have incredible difficulty with. People tell lies all the time, day in and day out. Big lies and small lies. People lies so much, that many times we don’t even realize we are doing it. Whether we are embellishing a story, covering a mistake, or outright lying, it matters not. This makes honesty a rarity in today’s world. When women (or anyone for that matter) are faced with frank honesty, it is a shocker.Especially when it comes to how you feel or what you think about them. As men, we find ourselves hiding our feelings in an attempt not to be vulnerable. But from my own experiences, every time I’m completely honest with a woman, it brings good things to my relationship with her. Whether I tell her “I really like you” (she likes this) or “I am not looking for a serious relationship, but I want to continue to spend time with you” (she might not like this, but she appreciates the honesty), I always have good results. Try telling the truth; but try it all the time!

8. Deep and Simple

I have never been the guy who goes all out in an attempt to try to impress a woman. I don’t wear expensive clothes (for the most part) and my outfits are certainly not straight out from GQ. My cars have never been top-of-the-line. I’ve never confessed my love in a poem or song. I’ve never laid a bed of roses peddles with 1,000 candles in a room for an evening of romance. I’ve never gone over board with anything, though I am indeed romantic and I do get the job done. How? I try to keep my life – and therefore my relationships – as simple as possible. When I tell a woman my feelings, I don’t beat around the bush; I get right to the point. I have my likes and my dislikes, but I keep an open mind. I don’t have a lot of stuff and therefore I don’t have a lot of junk.  There is no much stress about my life, because for the most part, everything is dealt with. People enjoy being around others who are not plagued with problems and complex baggage.

From my ow personal experiences, complexity creates confusion. Every time I tried to juggle multiple relationships with women through lies and deceit, it came crashing down like a house of cards. But every time I was simply honest with these women and told them I wasn’t about to be exclusive, it was smooth sailing. It seems the simpler I keep things, the easier it is to meet new and exciting people. Perhaps it is because the more complex our lives are, the more we have to focus on life stuff; but the more simple our lives are, the more we can focus on other things – like getting girls! Try reducing all aspects of your life to minimums. Because with that reduction in both physical and mental “stuff”, there is a creation for new growth and opportunity to flourish.

9. Worldly Knowledge

No matter what you think, women do not want to talk about sports all the time (if ever!). Nor do they wish to talk about the inner workings of your last drunken fiasco with your buddies. Sure, they will talk about it from time to time, just like you will listen to her beef with her girlfriends. The idea is to make yourself knowledgeable – to some degree – on all topics. Politics, philosophy, current events, pop culture, science and technology, music, history, and so on. The more you know, the more you can talk about, and the greater your chances of having a meaningful conversation with the beautiful woman of your choice. Even if you are chasing an airhead, if you are able to relate to her (even if she can only talk about say, pop culture) you will be able to develop a rapport with her and therefore, create a relationship with her.

10. The X-Factor!

I’ve heard it a million times, and any guy who has been successful with women in the past can verify this one for me. “There is just something about you that I can’t put my finger on, but I like you” – She says. Whether it’s your kind heart under a rough exterior or witty attitude and ability to think on your feet. Or the way you walk, the way you talk, or the way you look into her eyes while she is talking. There is always something that each of us have. Reflection is the key here. What is that makes you, you? The problem of the guys who don’t get any, is that no one notices their X-factor. No one notices it because they haven’t noticed it, so they can’t show it! I could tell you mine, but it’s top secret. Find your x-factor!

By Daniel Becerra

Just like all areas of life, mastering relationships is an inside out process. Inside-out means that the outside results are a direct mirror of the ‘results’ within you. How you change these ‘results’ from within dictate the results outside. With that in mind, ask yourself: What is your paradigm on relationships? Are your views on what a woman wants, accurate? How did you go about getting them? Are you more concerned with short-term personality or long-term character? If a relationship fails, who takes the blame?  Why does a relationship fail in the first place? These are all valid questions worth answering. The answers are in the next paragraphs. Read on..

What A Woman Wants

She wants a man to be proud of. Not a kiss-ass. Not a wimp. Not an abusive bastard either. She wants someone who is not controlled by others. At the same she wants someone who doesn’t want to control others. She wants a man with class, but not a toy who never smiles. A man who can make her hot, yet respect her. A man who is strong, but not rude. A man who is witty, but not a fool. A man who is kind, but not weak. A man who is emotional mature – one who goes after what he wants but is considerate of others in the process. An intelligent man, not an idiot. A gentleman, not a douchebag. A man with a mind of his own. She wants a self-made man, not a momma’s boy. Ultimately she wants an independent man that is willing to work his way into interdependency. (More on this in a bit)

There are plenty of things women want in a man. For some men, this seems like a lot to ask – especially to men who are relatively young. (When explaining this in public, I have actually heard several men complain ‘That seems like a lot of work, I’ll stick to masturbation’. I’m not kidding). Some will tell you “women don’t know what they want”. Even some women will tell you they don’t know what they want. Truth is, they do know what they want. It’s just that most (women and men) never dare to admit it because they are afraid they won’t get it. Likewise, some will say “men don’t know what they want”. This too is a misconception. Get over the crap and be absolutely clear about what is it that you want in a woman and you’ll find her. In turn, a woman who is clear about what she wants will find you.

Character First, Personality Second

So you’ve now learned from the Mystery Method that you need to smile as you walk into a room, great! You know that humor is a great energizer, great! You now know a couple of lines to get some giggles and admiration, amazing! Yet, why are you not fulfilled? I tell you why. Behind all that personality crap you have built, there is no character. There is no essence. If your teeth become yellowed and crooked. If I tell all the girls in the club what lines you’ll be using. What do you have left? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And this is when frustration hits in.

Today’s market is filled with quick fixes programs, especially in self-improvement. I was recently introduced to a guy seeking for help in dating. As it happens, the guy had been talked by some aspiring Pick Up artists who told him about the lines and tricks. The first thing he asked me was “What’s the easiest way to get girls?”. I responded “There is no easiest way. There is…”. He interrupted “Okay, okay.. what’s the fastest way?”. I looked at him square in the eye and said “There is no easiest or fastest way. There is the way. It begins with yourself. People perceive you as you perceive yourself. No love for you from yourself, then no love for you from others!”. He responded “That sounds like a lot of work” (typical). My response was “Are you willing to do the work?”. He said “I don’t know. Why can’t women just like me?”. I knew we were back to zero and said “Then just smile and live with it, buddy”.

If your definition of ‘getting girls’ is based on personality tricks, then you may honestly leave this page right now. It will do you no good. I feel horrible for you because you’re only chasing something that is not real. The only way to true success in your dating life does involve building your character. It takes time. It’s not easy. Your character will be tested as you’ll be presented with opportunities to go for the ‘easy way’. If you can really tell yourself that you will take nothing but the very best, then the very best you will get. Sure, work on that personality too. It is absolutely necessary to smile and have a great sense of humor, a good voice, and such; but don’t neglect character building. Ever.

Why Do Relationships Fail

Relationships fail for several reasons, but the number one reason is lack of self-mastery. Relationships are  really a direct reflection of who you’re. Realize that all successful human relationships are interdependent – not dependent or independent. If it’s dependent, you’re calling for a contract, not a relationship. If it’s independent, then you’re calling for disaster. A successful relationship is supposed to be interdependent – it doesn’t center on your partner but neither does it exclude him/her. I once quoted one my favorite writers saying “You don’t live for each other, but with each other” and this is absolutely true.

It is impossible to establish an interdependent relationship if both partners are not already truly independent (in all areas of life, especially emotionally independence). Successful relationships call for an already establish independence. Dependence only hinders a relationship. Think about it: How do you like a woman who depends on others opinions for her self-esteem? Not very much. How does a woman like a man who depends in others opinions in order to feel good? Not very much either.

An intelligent woman understands this: Happiness is something that only she herself can bring into her life. An intelligent man understands this too. A person who expects others to make them happy is doomed to failure. The problem is that it is rare for people to see this. It’s very rare for a woman to understand that no man in the world has the power to make her happy. Even more rare for a man. This is why when women encounter a man who knows this truth, they drool over him. They have found an interdependent man. They are now drawn to him, even if they are not aware of the reason. They will justify it in his confidence, his achievements, his looks, his manners, his charisma and so on. But what makes a man truly irresistible is his ability to be interdependent – whether that man is aware of it or not. Very few men live their lives upon this principle and that’s why 20% of men get about 80% of women.

The Bad Boy or Crazy Girl Who Is Lonely

There is the guy who can get plenty of women yet feels pretty lonely at nights even if a woman is laying by his side. I have met, befriended and dealt with men like this. I myself have gone through this. These men consider themselves independent. And women – to a certain extent do too. The truth is: They are not independent – not emotionally. They  have some sort of attitude that is attractive. The problem comes when he becomes dependent to that attitude of independence. In other words, they become obsessed with the feeling of being independent. Their self-esteem is centered on it. It becomes unhealthy. It becomes unthinkable to ever be alone and not get laid. It becomes unthinkable to risk getting hurt by loving someone.

This is the guy who doesn’t fail to women. He fails to himself. And failing to himself is automatically failing to women. Again, relationships are a mirror of yourself. You can fool in the short run, but never in the long run. When you feel slaved to your image of being a ‘cool guy’ and this belief prevents you from giving roses to a woman of your interest, then you’re no longer emotionally independent. You’re fully dependent to others opinions. So much for your hard work, pick up artist. If you’re going to choose not to give roses, then let it be a choice from the heart, not from fear.

The same happens for a female who is very attractive yet doesn’t think of herself as beautiful. I have also met, befriended, and dated some of these women. They attract plenty of guys into their lives. They have the beauty, the charisma, the professional lives handled. Nonetheless, they still feel lonely. They don’t love themselves enough. Gorgeous or ugly makes no distinction. Both sides suffer just as much. If you’re a 5’2 guy and not very good looking, you’d be wrong to think that a 6’1 stud with dark skin and light eyes suffers less than you.

We all through the same circumstances through several occasions. The difference maker is then not your circumstances; it’s your choices, your decisions. The biggest decision to make is to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, no amount of companionship will make you happy. In the words of the legend Viktor Frankl “The last of human freedoms is the ability to chose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” Do not be a prisoner of your mind. Ask some women. I’m sure they have met some guys who are just not very good looking, yet these guys don’t seem to realize it and act like the best looking guys in the world. That’s the attitude. Behave as if you’re already the man you want to be.

The Five Love Languages

Author Gary Chapman writes an extraordinary book “The Five Love Languages”. He goes on to explain the different five love languages. Understanding these five love languages is critical (to an explanation from me, click here). It allows you to express love in a way that makes emotional sense to your partner. Sure you can feel like working hard, sacrificing your time and energy for her is the perfect time to show love, but maybe she’s more into spending quality time together. Or maybe she likes to give you gifts, but you’re more into physical touch. It is possible that you do things that don’t move your partner emotionally at all, even if these things mean a lot to you. Don’t blame them. Just find their love language. It is understanding what love language your partner speaks that will allow you to stay true to that emotional commitment. This leads to another important aspect…

Love Is A Verb, Not Just A Feeling

Love is a verb. A verb is also a choice. You choose to execute the verb or not. Yes, there is love the feeling too. The difference is key. One is a verb, the other is a noun. One cannot exist without the other. To say “I love you” involves both a verb and a noun. There is the act of loving, which involves sharing time together, giving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service. Then there is the feeling of love. This feeling can only result once love the verb is exercised.

So here is the eye-opener: Love is a choice. Yes, a choice. It’s not a feeling that just shows up. You choose to love. You choose to do those things for someone. You choose to physically encounter that person. You choose to share quality time together. You’re aware of the choices you’re making. You may later tell yourself that you just fell in love, but the truth is, you technically chose to fall in love. While attraction can’t be helped, we are graced with the truth that love is actually a choice. You don’t automatically love someone. You choose to do it.

When someone says “Love is just not there anymore between us”, what they are really saying is “We no longer choose to exercise love”. When someone says “I cannot befriend that person”, what they are really saying “I choose not to befriend this person”. A real loving relationship is a daily exercise of love. We must choose to daily build on the things that are important for those we choose to be close to us. Everything is choices. Everything. I call or text my closest friends daily and often I do the things that I know are meaningful for them.This is when the five love languages come into place. You first figure out what moves your partners, friends, family members and then exercise your love in their language.

In Summary

• A relationship is not a contract. You can’t say “Now you love me. You can’t not love me from now on”. There is no contract as such. A relationship is then an emotional commitment - one that requires constant feeding of positive feelings and love. Exclusive or open, both relationships require constant feeding of what’s important to the other person.
• What makes someone irresistible is complete independence and willingness to move into interdependence.
• Focus on your character as much as you focus on your personality. At the end, it’s the only real backbone you have.
• Your suffering is not so unique. Looks, conditions, or the past don’t define who you’re. They define who you were. Decide today for a different life.
• Love the verb is a choice that must be exercised daily so that love the feeling stays alive!
• Learn the five love languages and apply them with the people in your life.

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How many times have you heard someone waffle an answer to an important question?

How many times have you wished that you had just said something clear and concise?

With this article you will learn how to speak clearly. There are crucial moments every day where when asked a question, a clear answer is required. Learning how to voice your opinions clearly is an essential skill in both dating and business.

A few years ago I used to work in a retail shop and I would hear the following conversation over and over again…

“John, what do you think about these shoes?”

“Well darling they do look quite, you know, mmm yes they look fine. Actually they would go with that dress you have – yes that one. But when would you wear it? The color is good I suppose, well I’m not an expert on these things – my honest opinion? Er, well that depends doesn’t it? I like the heel, it’s a good shape. Yes.”

The lady in question would be frustrated by this time, tossing her head side-to-side, perhaps with a gentle tapping of the foot on the ground and a few short sighs, looking at me signaling help! Gentlemen – it’s time to toughen up. She doesn’t want to hear an actual discussion, she’s wanting to know if you’ll buy them for her. She wants a clear and concise answer, one that gives direction, leadership and if possible, honesty. “They look great darling. Buy them.”

Voice Clarity

Enough with the mind games, enough with the opinion openers (situational are fine) let’s get serious. The chase is all very well, and let’s face it – fantastic fun, but there are times (and girls) when you just want to be honest with your feelings. And that’s O.K.. Making yourself clear is a confident and bold move that few men have the balls to accomplish – yet it’s so easy. You know you can do it, “Excuse me, would you like to dance?” because you’ve said it in your mind over a hundred times. They are just words, and you have nothing to lose.

Group Discussions

Keep in mind the concept of making yourself clear when telling a story. Start with the end in mind. For example, imagine that you were having a conversation with a friend about a time you were simultaneously excited and scared. Begin with, “Skydiving has to be the scariest and most exciting thing I have ever done.” rather than, “last year in June, I was traveling around Australia and found myself in Brisbane. There I saw an advert for Skydiving…” Once you have delivered the story in brief, then go on to describe the feelings. People don’t like stories to drag on…Much.

Bad Language

Forget the annoying phrases ‘you know what I mean’, ‘you know’ and ‘to be honest’. Oh and the words ‘like’, ‘obviously’, ‘basically’ and ‘oh my god’ because they’re not good language, and you are just filling in for hesitation most of the time. Pausing briefly whilst you talk is considered a sexy thing, so embrace those ponderous moments and use them to your advantage. Thinking of what vocabulary to use? Stroke your chin and look up to the heavens.

Keep Emails Short

I always make an effort now to keep business emails as short as possible. If someone has a problem with a website that needs solving, I simply reply with the news that the problem has been solved, rather than a two page essay as to what had happened. When asked a question at work, reply as accurately and concisely as possible. If you’re able to summarise why your advertising budget needs to be boosted by 40% in one hundred words then you’re sorted. Furthermore, if you’re able to persuade the financial director to expand the budget in one hundred words then you have a talent.

However human expressions are difficult to convey at times, especially concerning love. We’ve all had a few emotional conversations in our time, where a question is raised which rattles the skeleton in the cupboard. How many of you guys reading this have experienced a girl friend asking a difficult question to which all you could do was mumble a response skirting around the issue at heart? You might have thought you got away with it, but truly she knows the answer: Mumble = No. As my Mother would say, “pull up your socks and just get on with it.” Life’s too short for confusion, so just say the truth and be done with it.

“Haven’t done your homework? – No sir, I have no excuse, I’m sorry.

Haven’t got that profit forecast? – No boss, I’m still having difficulty.

Do I look fat in this? – No dear.”

Have I made myself clear in this article? Clarity is the key to effective and efficient communication. Note – Clear does not equal brief. You can tell a half-hour story and still be clear, just through the way you speak and your body language. Don Varney explains in this YouTube video how to use body language whilst talking to express your point with greater authority.

Don’t mumble nor fumble. This is crucial during an argument. I was recently engaged in spoken battle where I quickly realised that with the current ‘heat’ I could easily get wound up in my own statements. For some reason, whoever replies quickest becomes a winning factor in a debate, yet it not need be so. When it was my turn to speak I paused, the silence felt heavy like I was pulling out a  great weapon, but it gave me time to observe and deliver a coup de grace. Control the situation, don’t let it control you. Be active, not reactive.

• Related Forum Post – Protecting Your Voice (A MUST READ) by Wicked

Public speaking is a fantastic way of learning how to deliver your opinions effectively.  Learn to engage your audience (eye contact, hand gestures, kinesthetics) and you will soon have the room’s attention (if that’s the goal). A few lessons are relatively inexpensive, but here’s 3 of the best YouTube videos to get you going:

1. Public Speaking – From Speaking Zero To Hero
2. Public Speaking – Conquer The Fear
3. Public Speaking/Presentation Skills Keynote With Robert Graham

Practice clear speech at all times. Make it your goal to be more passionate than Pavarotti, clearer than a Newsreader, and yet as entrancing as The Mysterious Man (from Into The Woods). Follow these simple speaking clearly exercises to gain instant results:

1) Slow Down

It is common sense, really; the faster you speak, the harder it is for your listener to understand. The easiest way to instantly increase the clarity of your speech is to simply slow down.

2) Pause

Pauses are effective little tools that can be employed in a number of situations. Use them to clearly separate sentences and when changing topics.

3) Speak Up

If you want to say something, really say it! Stand up straight, take a deep breath and speak on the exhale. Don’t cover your mouth with your hands, a book or your notes. Make eye contact with your listeners and speak directly to them, not down to the floor or to your slides.

4) Articulate Word Endings

In our haste to get our messages out, we often times fail to enunciate word endings – the grammatical markers at the ends of words, such as the plural ‘s’ or past tense ‘ed.’ If you don’t articulate these sounds, it sounds like you’re making very basic grammatical errors.

5) Use Clear Consonants

Here are a few examples of commonly confused consonant sounds: /b/ & /p/, /d/ & /t/, /g/ & /k/, /v/ & /f/. The first sound in each pair is voiced, whereas the second sound is voiceless. Place your hand in front of your mouth while you say these pairs out loud:

• gate/Kate
• girl/curl
• game/came

If you are articulating the /g/ and /k/ sounds correctly, you should feel an explosion of air when you make the /k/ sound.

6) Speak Simply

Never use a long word where a short one will do. This is a common rule most people have heard, but unfortunately very few put it into practice. Your main goal in every spoken interaction should be to have your message understood. Do this by simplifying your vocabulary and using common English words.

Speaking clearly is essential in many areas of life. Human’s have only learnt to communicate over the last 50,000 years which, relative to the history of the Earth as a whole is nothing. Let’s do our bit and help each other understand more. Yet here’s a last tip: Use humor.

You what mate?! Replied a long-forgotten cockney accent. “The gentleman: that mannered, a la mode dude, well turned out but restrained.” The PUALifestyle team, although we enjoy the use of vivaciously varied vocabulary do not take well to ponsey poofy poop.  What he was trying to say is that THE GENTLEMAN IS BACK. It means that fashion for men has returned once again to the undefeated classics of simplistic, mature colors and threads.

Splendid stuff in my opinion. This makes shopping choices much easier as now there are only four choices of color to choose from: black, grey, brown and navy. I asked He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named to elaborate on what exactly the concept of Gentleman encompasses. He explained that the old styles “will be vanquished by an army of gracious men in classically cut jackets, half Windsor knots and, of course, pants. Retiree chic will fade. Men will be reminded that they look better in suits than they do in misguided cardigans.”

Translated: Buy a suit. Or better still: Buy a tailored three-piece suit (like this guy). I had to wear a suit for the last two years of my education and there was something swish about sliding on a fitting jacket. Girls loved it, bar tenders thought I was of age, jobs accepted me on the spot and swear words were vanquished as they just seemed wrong.

Sadly though a suit isn’t quite backpackers apparel so they have been left hanging behind my bedroom door for over a year now. Yet this got me thinking, a large majority of the PUALifestyle Forum are guys in college and you’re hardly going to wear a suit out in Fresher’s week or to a Fraternity alcohol filled gathering are you? A teenager in a suit is just asking to be beaten up. So Mr GQ of Oz, what are those of us who haven’t got professional jobs yet going to do?

“Gentle-manliness is obviously a matter of more than mere dress. The better man isn’t the one flashing the spiffier boutonniere. (In fact, if you stuff a flower in your lapel, you’re going to have to work extra hard to convince people you’re not a bit of an ass.) Chivalry, etiquette, some ingrained personal code – they’re all part of the composite.”

He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named had just stated that a fashion trend can follow without wearing the fashion. Bizarre, but understandable. To be a Gentleman you can’t just rock up to any old joint in a suit. You have to know the Top Ten Dating Manners first. You must walk the walk to talk the talk to act the part. He continued,

“One thing that links gentlemen together, across the ages or the cubical wall, is that you just kind of shut up about it. In a tell-all age, why not distinguish yourself with a little restraint? Actions speak, but in the place of pitching your coat every time a lady approaches a puddle, we have clothing for the purpose of sending out quiet messages. ”

Yet I wanted to know what this clothing apparently was for a young guy in a social environment – one full of Jaeger Bombs and Majito’s. The answer was quite simple, and I’d like to take you through the same exercise I was. Think back to the 70′s, imagine what they wore then: flared trousers with shirt collars up. Now the 80′s, introducing Nylon: Bright colors and printed designs a.k.a. the tracksuit. Now the 90′s, bit more mixed up here with denim jeans taking different shapes and t-shirts. And now? What do all the guys wear around you now? Unless you’re in a specific niche of style, the answer will most probably be a (t-)shirt and jeans.

Fashion trends tend to take the opposite of the norm with some restrictions. The casual Gentleman then wears trousers. Not jeans, not shorts, not chords, but trousers. Brown, beige (chino’s), navy or grey. You can wear suit trousers too, but actually when I went shopping yesterday, I was surprised to find that there are a huge amount of normal trousers for sale relatively inexpensive.

“Try wearing a rollo-neck jumper this Autumn.”

I must admit that at first I muffled a laugh at this, imagining myself wearing a black rollo-neck with chino’s and looking identical to Will from Will & Grace. Then He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named whipped out the latest copy of GQ Australia and showed me what he had in mind. There on the page stood a guy with chino’s and a similar coloured rollo-neck with a Gucci pattern on the front. This guy not only looked good, sophisticated (a beefcake) and cool, but actually like a Gentleman. It is possible to be a Gentleman in terms of fashion without wearing a suit whilst young and in a rowdy environment.

I’m embracing this advice upon my return to England, fighting through an addiction to denim jeans: Bootcut, skinny and straight-leg. However I refuse to wear brown loafers or black work shoes yet choosing instead my high-tops which are just sick. This is the first of hopefully many fashion-orientated blog posts for PUALifestyle, and I hope you have enjoyed reading it as I did meeting Mr GQ of Oz, and writing the encounter up.

Please let us know what you think of this article by commenting and discussing in the forum. You can discuss it here too.

“Nothing annoys me more than Farangs who can’t even be bothered to learn how to say thank you.”

When you’re in a foreign country it’s respectful to learn at least some of their language. The quote above comes from a Thai restaurant owner who, after walking twenty minutes to buy some coconuts for some desperate tourists didn’t even get a thank you. Imagine standing in a shopping mall and a strange looking man approaches you. He mumbles something incomprehensible and then starts flapping his arms in a pitiful attempt at body language. I witnessed this happen and felt embarrassed as the man was of the same nationality I am.

Learning some phrases in another language can help no end. Simply saying ‘hello’ can establish a bond of respect that will encourage the local to be more helpful. Take it a step further and ask the taxi drivers, hoteliers and waitresses how they are feeling today. Why not ask for the bill in the native tongue too? Before you know it, smiles are coming your way at no end and service is excellent, with enthusiasm rather than resent.

If the locals are seemingly hostile, it’s probably because you’ve made a bad impression. Yet not all the time. For example being a white skinned girl in India, you will receive glaring stares at all times from distances as little as a foot away. But if you speak the language, people are generally nicer.

Save Money With Bartering

Many LEDCs still lower prices with a bit of bartering, and as a tourist you are much more likely to be ripped off. It’s all relative pricing, they (the local businessmen) will charge you what they think you can afford. If you speak English, the assumption is you come from the West and thus have an annual income ten times greater than theirs. Therefore you can afford ten times as much. On the other hand, if you surprise them by speaking their dialect, their starting price will be far lower.

I had direct experience with this walking down a night market in Penang, Malaysia. In front of me were a tourist couple and they asked (in English) how much a wooden ornament was. The stall-owner opened with RM120 (that’s apx. $16) and they were frustrated as this obviously was artificially high. Out of curiosity, I then approached and greeted the same man (who hadn’t seen me) in Malay, asked him how he was, and then asked for the price. His reply was RM70 ($10) spoken again in Malay.

Connect With More People

Learning languages also opens up many barriers. Think how many people there are in the world, about 6.6 Billion and growing. Due to language restrictions we can only really speak to 30% of these people in English fluently, yet include Spanish and Chinese to your repitoire and this has suddenly jumped to approximately 65% or more. With efficient use of body language, not the flapping of the arms, communication suddenly becomes much easier. More people are able to become friends and there is greater opportunity to meet potential partners.

However don’t be disillusioned,  one cannot learn a language just like that. It takes time, patience, persistence and determination. Give yourself a phrase book and an hour though, and you will have enough words in that particular language to get you through daily life. In Koh Samui, Thailand I met a deaf lady who had to communicate soley through body language. She didn’t know sign language, nor did the people around her, but her ability to express concern, questions, opinions and arguments was staggering. For example I accompanied her to a local butchers, and there she wanted Honey Roast Ham.

To communicate this, she firstly pushed up her nose to make it pig shaped, then made a buzz noise (although I don’t know how she learned to do this being deaf) and finally pointed at the meat. She was understood perfectly. Where there is a will, there is a way. Just as a boisterous side note, the old lady also expressed I was a handsome boy by pointing at her cheeks, then me and finally giving a thumbs up with a big smile.

Watch Your Accent Change

Languages can be learnt in class, by audio books or by phrasebooks but the best way is to stay in the native country for long periods of time. Not only do you pick up obscure words that you wouldn’t have though necessary such as ‘hot chick’ and ‘arsehole’ but you also begin to use their accent. A Business Management Coach who had lived in Thailand for two years, but originated from Colorado, U.S. remarked, “Tom, why did your accent suddenly change when you spoke to that waitress?”

Even now in Perth, Australia my Aunty today said that I have a mix of Oz, Malay, Thai and English accents which makes me sound like a “New Zealand’er breathing Helium.” Which brings me on nicely to the final point:

Languages Are Sexy

When your partner is a foreign sweetheart and becomes angry, you may have experienced that they shout in their native tongue because it’s easier. And damn is that hot. Or taking the other side of things, you’ve just approached a Hispanic goddess, and some tanned beefcake comes along and introduces himself in her language. Before you know it, they’re laughing away and you don’t know why, and you smile uncomfortably shifting in your seat pissed that you didn’t take those extra lessons in school.

Speaking multiple languages shows intelligence, cultural diversity, social adaptability and something wildly exotic. So if there’s anything you’re going to do today (after giving this article a StumbleUpon Thumbs-Up), you should decide a language that would help you most in your life right now. Even if there’s just one foreigner you know, make an effort to learn how to say Goodbye, Hello, How are you? and Thank You. Adios, Hola, Como estas? and Gracias!

Ten un buen dia!

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By Daniel Becerra

We all have expectations of ourselves and of the people around us – whether it be family, friends, or a partner. Some don’t like to admit it, but no one escapes it. There are certain things that we just love others to do for us and things we never want others to do. These expectations are so critical, because when we know someone expects something from us (and we care) we do our best to meet that expectation. For if we don’t, we know that loss of trust will take place. The problem is that all of us have expectations but few of us define those expectations – and even fewer state them. How could someone behave according to your expectations when they have no idea what your expectations are of him or her? How could you behave according to your family’s expectations or your girlfriend’s expectations? What about your friends? Even if you define your expectations, do you have the guts to communicate them?

When expectations are not met, then an invisible barrier begins to form and the more one tries to break it, the stronger it becomes. The reason is simple, one is trying to make up for something they are not aware of – even if they do something awesome, they are likely to make the same mistake, again and again. A very personal example is the following: I recently had a talk with one of my ex-girlfriends. It was one of those times when I felt that I really had to get to know my bad traits, so I asked her “What did you think of me? What was good? What could have I improved?”. Her answer was one of those that you know are coming but they still hurt you – “I loved everything about, you were and still are a great guy and lover, but it’s just that.. I only wished you would have taken me out more. I just wanted you to take me out more often”. I knew that was coming. I didn’t know it back during the relationship but I realized it after and my thoughts were confirmed that night. It was a nice relationship and I surely wanted to just make her happy, but I was trying to make up for expectations I had never met. There were occasions in which she tried to make up for expectations she hadn’t met, the problem was neither of us knew what our expectations of each other were!

Family, Friends and Partners

Defining expectations is not only important with your partner; it’s also critical with your friends and family. We all have expectations from friends, the problem comes when we don’t tell them. Our expectations, of course, should be reasonable and they are meant to make the relationship stronger and that the two parties benefit, not just one. It can be very hard to communicate your expectations (especially with family at times) but it’s one thing you really need to do. I will share some of the personal things I wrote in my journal so that you get the idea:

Friends

* I expect you to not betray my trust
* I expect you to listen
* I expect you to be on constant growth rather than in constant decline. It is alright to struggle (we all do) but don’t give up on yourself.
* I expect you to be able to admit your mistakes
* I expect you to have goals and dreams in life
* I expect you to be sincere with me
* I expect you to be understanding of myself and others
* I expect you to keep in touch with me
* I expect you to make time for me despite our busy schedules
* I expect you to love me for who I am, but I also expect you to be kind enough to point out where I go wrong, that’s real friendship
* I expect you to have a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself at times
* I expect you to be human and to joke around with me
* I expect you to have enough character to speak highly of others, and ignore the dirty mouths. It takes class to step above the mediocre, have that type of class.
* Specially, I expect you to keep your word, for I really want to trust you

Girlfriend (Exclusive or open)

* I expect you to be a part of my world, to discuss a book with me every now and then, to attend a seminar or workshop together. To just live a bit of my passion, just a bit of it. Just like I’ll live part of yours.
* I expect you to encourage me and support my decision for my career path, as I too will encourage and support yours.
* I really expect you to tell me what you expect of me
* I expect you to be sincere with me, especially when things go wrong
* I expect you to be passionate about something – anything
* I expect you to have a good sense of humor.
* More important – I expect you to have self-control
* Most important – * I expect you to be courageous and pursue your dreams with or without me – I’m not the center of your world, and neither are you mine. I expect us to live with each other, not for each other

Family (written from a son’s perspective – mostly)

* I expect you to divide chores in the household fairly
* I expect us to have lunch or dinner together as often as possible
* I expect us to make the sound during lunch or dinner table, and not the TV – turn that thing off
* I expect you to listen to me too, not just talk OVER me. I will listen if you listen.
* I expect you to be a role-model, and that you’re conscious that I pick up everything you do
* I expect us to lift each other up and never bring each other down
* I expect us to have moments of fun together, as a family, every so often
* I expect you to live what you preach and what you tell me
* I expect you to encourage me to dream and pursue my dreams
* I expect you to assist me in my formation of character, for it’s my goal that you’re proud of me
* I would like you to teach me values of hard work, discipline, oneness – but at the same time, I expect you to live by them
* I expect you to encourage me and point where I go wrong, but not to blame and put me down
* Most important – I expect us to be a family that lives with passion

I encourage you to define your expectations and to state them. You don’t have to sit down and say ‘this is what I expect of you’ – that can be tough. Try bringing them one at the time, do it when you’re getting to know each other, do it while you’re a conversation with a friend – do it. Don’t wait until something bad enough happens, it may be too hard to recover. Don’t succumb to fear or laziness, doing this will alter the course of your life forever.

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By Kris Hansen

This question is the one most often asked since the inception of the pick-up artist community.

“So there’s “this one girl” I have a huge crush on. How do I make her like me as more than a friend?”

My normal answer (and most other peoples’ answer) is a pretty dismissive “You don’t.” This art is more like napalm than a laser-beam; you don’t get That One Girl/Guy, you get a bunch of girls/guys and figure out which ones you like the best. Or I’ll hit the old fall-back of “Go fuck ten other women, come back and let me know if the shine’s still on her.”

I’ve realized, though, that I owe you guys a real answer. The “fuck ten other women” answer isn’t going to happen for months or years (keep in mind that only 7% of men in North America have slept with more than 20 women in their _lifetime_). And “You don’t,” is a bald-faced lie. People do it all the time.
[For the sake of brevity, we're going to call "this one girl" (or guy, or horse, or whatever) "Tog."]

So. How _do_ you get Tog?

First thing’s first, you need to work on some damage control. Understand that up until you started looking for an answer on how to get Tog, (s)he viewed you as an unattractive individual, someone in whom she had little or no interest. That could be for a variety of reasons, but the most simple answer usually being the right one, it is likely because you are an unattractive individual as-is. You will need to change that.

There are two culprits when it comes to being unattractive: first is attitude, second is appearance. Appearance is easier to fix, though, so let’s talk about that for a moment. I’m sure you’ve noticed that there are entire sections of forums devoted to the idea of hygiene, grooming, and fashion. There are few, if any, on the topic of plastic surgery. Chances are, you are not ugly. Very few people are. But you can increase your chances of being seen as an attractive person by taking steps to improve your hygiene, grooming and fashion. I won’t recap what all of those threads say here, but understand that this is a necessity.

An attractive attitude is all about confidence. I don’t personally subscribe to the Alpha Male bullshit I see spewed all about the forums, but the concept of confidence being attractive in a man (and a woman) is very true. Confidence means a few things: you say what you want to say when you want to say it, in a clear voice without hesitation. Your body language implies that you are comfortable wherever you happen to be. Most importantly, you are not deferential; you make decisions and stick to those decisions, and are capable of bringing others with you to see the decision through. All of this is talked about in nearly every facet of the forums, so peruse and take what you will from it.

Understand also that if you continue doing things the way you are doing them, you will continue to get what you’ve always gotten. In this case, if you do not accept that things about you will need to change somewhat, you will not get Tog, or any other target of quality. If change is something you are uncomfortable with to the point that you cannot perform such necessary changes to get the person you are interested in, you obviously don’t care _that_ much.

The above concepts are very general to the core concepts of “game.” When it comes to the specifics of getting Tog to like you, you need to go a bit further in regards to damage control.

You will need to be out of her life for a bit, or at least far more distant from it than you are at the moment. This will give her time to solidify in her head the concept she has of the “old you,” while you work on making the “new you.”

(S)he has already categorized you in his/her mind as a person with whom (s)he does not want to have a sexual or romantic relationship. This means you will need to present Tog with a new version of yourself, incorporating the above, with things that would be completely alien to how you typically do things. It doesn’t need to be something weird, but it does need to be something weird for _you_. You need to hit the metaphorical “Reset Button” in Tog’s head, refreshing his/her view of you, and providing you with a blank slate from which to work.

You will need to hit all of the attraction switches that you would normally need to hit with a target you approached cold. You will need to show that you are preselected, that you have options should you choose to take them. You will need to show that you are capable of protecting and/or nurturing your loved ones. You will need to show that you have grown into a leadership role, and are capable of having others do what you want. Zip‘s students are working on a set of attraction switches unique to men, and I cannot yet speak for homosexual attraction switches, but these are the classics, so they’re what I’m going with. ^_^

You will need to make statements of intent and interest, and they will need to completely lack vagueness. You should prepare a few of these ahead of time, things you will say that will make it impossible for Tog to misinterpret your intentions.

A Good Example: I think we should date.
A Bad Example: I love you.

I’ve field-tested both (and actually field tested both before I started pick-up) and the latter is far too strong. I haven’t spoken to the second Tog since I told her. I went out with the first for a year. ^_^

You will need to be prepared to deal with objections. Typically, when you’re selling something (even yourself) your potential buyer will have a list of concerns that you will need to deal with before you make the sale. These things are seldom actual reasons for not buying, they are more like requests for you, the salesperson, to show them why those concerns are not actually concerns. A couple of ways you can deal with objections would be to treat those objections like a question, or find ways that the objection itself is a reason for the two of you to be together. You will need to be a damned fine salesperson and sell your ass. I’ll be writing a longer post on objections in dating some time in the future.

Most importantly, you will need to be willing to lose Tog, as both a romantic partner and a friend. An outward display of sexual and romantic interest in a truly uninterested party can strain friendly relationships to the point of breaking. Either that person is going to become your new partner, or you will never speak to that person again. Sometimes, this is not true, and it is great to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst and understand that your relationship with this person may never be fixed after the damage of a failed romantic approach.

I hope this helps some of you, and I honestly hope that it does not encourage you to stop working on your dating and pick-up skills. While this guide can sometimes help you get your own Tog, you will have far more success with napalm than trying to find a laser-beam.

Have you ever gone up to a random person, just to simply talk to them? It’s amazing and I love the feeling of meeting someone new. Everyone has a unique story and identity that makes them who they are. You could meet them at any point in your life, but why right then, right now? Did I make a positive impression in their life? I sure hope so. That is my goal everytime I meet someone is to leave them better off than when I found them.

I love the feeling when two people connect. There’s no bitchy attitudes like at the clubs. Most girls are pretty friendly when you talk to them. Connect as a person, be true to yourself and your identity. There’s no smoke and mirrors, there’s nothing to hide. Just be a sociable person and people will be drawn into your life.

Today I met Katie (Above right), from the International Play Association & Play Around The World (UofA Student Group). She was promoting unique and different ways to play, and develop children, communities, and families. The activity they had set up was for children to build an igloo with ice sculpting tools. It was really adorable to see all the kids interacting and developing this igloo together. She was helping the kids meet each other and work together and it was such a great moment to be a part of. It was unique and exciting because kids don’t normally get to do these things.

She asked if I could email those pictures to her and I agreed enthusiastically. I would love the chance to be able to promote such a great cause! I am happy whenever my passion for photography can be used to influence others in a positive way. I feel a lot better knowing that I am helping other people out.

My point is that people are naturally sociable and eager to tell their story. We are a people that enjoy interacting and talking. Often people get so trapped in their own world that they don’t stop to help random strangers. It feels good, so I encourage everyone to just get out there and chat up anyone around you. I think you’ll get a positive reward/experience from it at the very least.

- Calvin

http://www.physedandrec.ualberta.ca/play.cfm

http://www.ipacanada.org/home.htm

P.S. Enjoy this short video

“The glue that holds all relationships together — including the relationship between the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.”

“For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe” – H. L. Mencken

Trust is the most essential component of any relationship – business or romantic, it makes no difference. Trust has to be there. Many components can be there, but if trust isn’t one of them, not many things will get done. For instance, a girl may find you attractive, but if she doesn’t trust you, you are not going anywhere with her. You may have a million dollar idea but if the people who can help you don’t like you AND trust you, you will not go too far. Trust doesn’t pop out of the blue;  it’s built with questions and acts.

The deeper and more personal the questions and acts are, the more trust that will be built. Fear not asking personal questions. Do not just settle for the superficial ones. Ask for opinions, ask for feedback, ask them to be sincere. Don’t just ask them how many siblings they have, ask them how close they are. Ask her first if she is comfortable with you asking. You may begin with “Do you mind if I ask you something more personal?”. Don’t go straight into a super personal question, let the ball be on the other person’s court. If she feels comfortable with you asking that, she’ll give you the green light to keep going.

First Truth: Trust yourself.

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

As mentioned in the article of leadership, you cannot trust others until you trust yourself – let alone others trusting you unless you trust yourself. That won’t happen. When you go ask for that sale, dive in with conviction and power that you trust in yourself and your product, and more important that the customer will benefit for it. When you go for that girl, go in there convinced. Trust yourself. Trust that you ARE indeed the best option for her, because indeed you ARE the best option for as long as you believe it.

Trust your belief system. There is no way to fool your beliefs. How could you? If you don’t believe that you can sell, then you won’t sell. If you don’t believe you can get that girl, then you won’t. The opportunities and signs will be there, right in front of your face, and yet, you won’t see them because your belief just doesn’t let you see them. Beliefs are that powerful. There are several things that affect your beliefs, but the most important of them all is the people you associate yourself with. Do your family members believe in succeeding? Do you enjoy your work and workplace? Do you believe in your boss or manager? Do you believe in what you do? If you don’t believe in it and if you don’t love it enough, then you will not get others to trust you there. Never, ever, ever.

Trust your thoughts. If you’re thinking about something, dive in. Take action soon enough before you become too doubtful. With time, you’ll be sharp enough to make the decisions that are best for you.

Second Truth: Trust others first, and yes, it is risky.

“Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him.” - Booker T. Washington

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” – Frank Crane

I have been let down, burned, and slandered several times, especially when I first began my ‘career’. There was a gentleman who consulted with me several times through email about issues that he had and I gladly helped. One day, he asked to be part of the ‘team’ and I told him no because he wasn’t mature enough yet. He became angry and cut off any communication. Weeks later he started posting that I was scamming people and I was only interested in money. There have been other times where I trusted girls, co-workers, and even friends for this website, only to be let down. Yet, today I’m beginning to see much more positive results. I’m more often blessed than disappointed. I have met extraordinary people who I’ve become really close with and all because I began trusting them. I trusted them before anything without expecting anything in return. And boy, it has paid. You see, there is something magical about the people you attract. The law of attraction doesn’t fail; you attract that which you think of most often.

The most important component in Trust: Honesty.

“The man who cannot endure to have his errors and shortcomings brought to the surface and made known, but tries to hide them, is unfit to walk the highway of truth.” - James Allen

There are two types of honesty – one with others and one with yourself. The former is easier, the latter is complicated. It’s a lot easier to be honest when everyone is seeing what you’re up to, but it’s more tempting to cheat while you’re by yourself. You can justify your dishonesty in whatever way you want and no one will judge because you’re all there by yourself. For instance, you can go talk to that girl because of all the pressure your friends are putting on you, but will you do it once you’re by yourself? You may not cheat on your exams, but are you stealing essays from the internet for your homework? If so, are you really being honest? You can post all you want about your achievements, but are you really doing productive things when you’re alone? How real is your honesty? Tom Church mentioned in his amazing article “Honesty and confidence”, “Be honest in your confidence, and be confident in your honesty. I’m glad to have him as a friend, I couldn’t have put it better myself!

Here are some things you can do to begin exercising your honesty, and thereof, your trust. Have a conversation with a trustworthy friend and ask him to be completely honest with you about how you behave. What things you can improve. Recall old scenarios and bring the truth out. Keep in mind, not necessarily your best friend or the person who won’t hurt you, but rather someone who you can trust being honest – in short, someone who can get down to business. Keep your cool as there may be plenty of stuff you won’t like. Don’t be a douche by starting to yell at them for telling you the truth. Let them speak, do not cut them off. LISTEN. Oh, there, listen is another essential key to trust. Are you listening well?

Be honest to yourself when being alone. Do not give in the temptation. For instance, two days ago I fell into juvenile behavior by watching pornographic content. I have made a commitment to not do it, and although I have reduced it dramatically, I still fall every now and then. What about you? Are you telling someone something but doing something else when you’re alone? Telling someone you read when you didn’t read anything? I know it’s tempting, but do not give in! If you didn’t read, tell that person you didn’t read. Better a small disappointment now followed by great pride in honesty, than you being disappointed at yourself and no pride of honesty at all.

Trust Violation

“If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens,regain their respect and esteem. It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all of the time; but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Once trust is violated, it’s very unlikely to return. If you’ve been bankrupt before, how long was it before banks and companies gave you credit? 7-10 years? If you have hurt someone before, how long was it or what did it take for that person to trust you again (if that ever happened)? You may talk to someone, you may be even friendly with someone, but can you trust someone who broke the trust you had in him or her? Trust is that important. I can only remember the redhead girl that I so much loved. We both broke each others’ trust and even though the effort was made, no one could trust each other anymore. The relationship of course went downhill. If trust evaporates, you can BET the relationship will die. It’s quite simple, yet so difficult to understand, even more accept. Trust is precious, take good care of it.

And yes, I still encourage you to trust others, no matter how risky it is. They can violate your trust, but so can you. I write this so that you get an insight into how hard it would be for someone to regain your trust. If it’s hard for someone to regain your trust, wouldn’t it be hard for you to regain someone’s trust as well? The answer is yes. NOTE: It’s hard, but not impossible.

Trusting bit by bit

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Question for you – Do you go tell someone you just met your most obscure secret? Of course not, you wouldn’t tell some things in a lifetime, there are things she can tell right away like how many siblings she has or what she does for a living, but there is usually a process – luckily, you can get better and faster at it. Bit by bit, people will trust you. They test the waters first. They want to feel safe. When women sleep with you, they first need to feel safe and secure. They need to know you won’t make a huge deal out of it, that you won’t brag about it, that you won’t give her any STD’s, even more important, that your attitude toward her won’t change after sleeping together, that either you won’t leave her or that you won’t become obsessed with her. How long it takes her to trust you with this is an estimate of how long it will take for her to trust you with sex.

Some girls take a little longer to trust and that’s alright. Be patient. Some customers take longer to say “Yes” to your order and that might be because they have been hurt in the past or because they need extra re-assurance that what you’re telling is truth. Character, integrity, and honesty will get the job done here. If you really have their best interest at heart and you persist long enough, you’ll get what you want, and help them get what they want at the same time. On that note, whenever someone begins to compare you to another person, then you’re in trouble, buddy. She trusts that person more than she trusts you. You better get going on that case

Credible VS Incredible

Passionate: Whenever I coach someone (contact me for this, I had stopped for a while but I have re-taken it now), we deal with “Credible Vs Incredible”. You can do one credible thing and build trust one brick at the time, slowly… OR you can do one incredible thing and build an entire wall quite rapidly. Ever wondered why sticking up for what you believe to be right (especially when it involves danger) is so attractive? There is your answer. You do not need to do incredible things everyday, of course, but I suggest you exercise your courage often and develop your passions – when combined, these things will be extremely attractive. Or maybe if you’re familiar with the seduction community and its tactics, then you know how effective real alpha behavior is.

Genuine Surprise: Equally or even more effective is the act of surprise. Surprising someone (in a genuine way) builds trust. Do you think sending a ‘Thank You’ card when that person is not expecting it leads to trust or makes trust stronger? Yes. Do you think sending your girlfriend flowers when she is not expecting will make her love/like you more? Yes. Surprise her. This is a good time to ignore the idiotic ‘rules’. Fear nothing. I can remember vividly when I received a huge thank you card for my efforts – I trust that person even more now. If you feel like you could surprise someone and make that person’s day, then go ahead and do it. The price? Anywhere from 3-20 dollars. The outcome? Priceless. It’s simple, go and do it.

Superior skills: We are all fascinated by people who are really good at what they do. If you’re into the pick-up-community, you would definitely trust the ‘sound’ names such as David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, or Mystery (if your favorite is not here, pardon me, I haven’t read on the community in months). If you want to learn to dance, you would trust someone who is really good at it. If I had to recommend a dance coach, it would be Crimson Lena Mortimer, that girl can shake it! . The examples are countless, but the point is one only – superior skills lead and build trust and admiration. We trust those who have superior skills on a particular area.

Boldness and being fearless: You know that dude Jeff Hardy from WWE? Girls dig him. They love the guy. He seems fearless. You know that guy in the club who will take a woman away from a group, when she was previously surrounded by 10 or more guys? Do you know that bar scene from the movie ‘Hitch’? – THAT kind of move. That’s bold. That’s creative. That’s authentic. My friend, Nick Krygier, shared a story with me about a beautiful girl in a nightclub being surrounded by 5 guys. One of his friends stood in front of the group and said something ridiculously bold to the girl; he did loud enough for her and all the guys to hear. He attracted her within seconds. He WOW’ed her. She trusted him from there on. A couple of more ‘girl tests’ and she was his. I met one of my girlfriends at the mall. She was working behind the counter. I walked up to say and after a few words, I looked back and there was a long line of people waiting to be served. I said “I’m leaving as soon as I get her number”. With that, I turned around and said “What’s your number?”. She trusted me from there on, and two days later we were on a ‘date’. Do I make myself clear here? Boldness and creativity. No need to be an asshole, just be bold.

Passion and Kindness: Nate Trimmer is an incredible guy. He is part of the world wide organization ROTARAC. I met him in my Business Law class. I knew I ‘could’ trust this guy from the get-go. There was just something about him that told me this guy was trustworthy and I was correct. Nate is very passionate about serving others and volunteering his time for others. Actually, as I write this (February 14, 2009 at 1:09 AM) he is in Mexico, probably sleeping now, but in the morning he’ll be providing medicine to kids in poor areas of Mexico to make sure they don’t get deadly diseases. I tell you, I TRUST a guy like that. What makes me trust Nate Trimmer more? We have to read the Wall Street Journal for that same class (Business Law) and what does he do? He brings the paper to campus everyday and saves it for me to just pick it up. Isn’t that incredible? I’m very thankful to him and I let him know it more often than not. I value his friendship, and again, I trust him. Nate too is beyond credible, he is an incredible being.

Genuine Friendliness: Shaun McMillan is my spiritual mentor. He doesn’t charge me a dime and I have written briefly about him in the article “The Principle of Love”. Shaun met me (He found me) during week of welcome (the week where there is sign-ups for clubs and orgs in University) and there was something about this guy that had “Genuine caring” written all over him, so I decided to meet up with him a week later. Now, we meet up weekly (to the best of our ability) and he makes it so easy for us to meet. We have served food to each other and so on. Sometimes I feel the burden of becoming more spiritual and responsible, and Shaun lets me know it in a very subtle way. However, I know and I trust that he has my best interest at heart. His friendship meets no requirement or condition and I can be absolutely sincere with him. His spiritual advice is also sound. He has helped me regain my faith in God (You gotta meet people like Shaun to realize that God does exist). For that, I trust him. Shaun – in short – has acquired trust with me because of his genuine caring and friendship. He too is incredible.

Fear not a single thing. Speak when you want to be heard. Act when you want to get things done. Train yourself when you need to succeed. Be genuine and do good without expecting things in return or recognition. Don’t just be credible, be a bit incredible too.

Trust dictates your reputation

Word of mouth is the most powerful maker or breaker of them all. This website has gained its readership based on the trust the original members have toward it. That built a reputation. They told their friends about it and more people kept on coming. Plenty of successful bloggers have followed the same procedure. These are the nice type of stories. There are also the not-so-nice stories, such as the type of stories when a man gains horrible reputation because of cheating or because of his failure to keep promises. Your reputation is in direct proportion to the level of trust people have in you. Unfortunately, it takes some time to build trust, but only one minute of wrong thinking to destroy that trust, and maybe a lifetime to regain it – indeed, the finest things are hard to keep, even harder to be regained. Don’t believe it? Would you want someone who is always clingy and coming back despite how bad they are treated? There is your answer.

Exercises:

1. As usual, I’ll emphasize the use of a journal. When you discover things by yourself, you actually discover them; unlike discovering them by just reading them from me or anyone else. Take the time (and I REALLY mean take the time) to write down a list a characteristics of what makes the relationships with the people you trust, trustworthy. In short, why do you trust them? Why do they trust you? Write it down in a journal… It won’t take more than 5 minutes. I’ll still be here by the time you’re done.

2. Now that you have these traits or principles, how would you apply them to your life? How can you gain more trust with the girl sitting next to you in class? What kind of deep, personal question can you ask her during class so that she’s convinced to see you AFTER class? What can you do to establish trust with a customer in 30 minutes instead of 3 hours? How can your friend trust you more? Do you have the guts to trust something in them, so that they can trust you back? Can you tell her “You look great today!” so that they can see you trust yourself? Write all of these things down!

The Art of Asking Questions to Build Trust

I have written about this several times here and even made videos on it here, and also here. The art of asking questions is truly a remarkable skill given that very few people have it. I’m far from being an expert on it, I’m a beginner student but I can tell you from personal experience that writing down my questions, preparing them, and practicing my delivering have made a difference. Write down your questions, just like you’ll write down your responses and punchlines. Be a student. Practice your delivery and record yourself. Test them and see what you can do to improve your effectiveness in this art.

Some powerful questions to ask are:

* Tell me something really close to your heart
* What is one thing that absolutely needs to be there for you to connect with a guy?
* What is one thing that always makes you excited? How often do you do it?
* What was the happiest day of your life? Ask her to be descriptive
* How is the relationship in your family?
* What does your ideal date look like? Ask her to be very descriptive
* What is your dream? How do you plan to go about it?
* Can you give me your honest opinion on my personality?
* What’s your view on religion? spirituality? politics?

There are plenty of them and you can make them as you study your personality and the type of girl you want to attract. It goes without saying that common sense should tell you if they are being honest with you or not, if they are really thinking about it or not, and so on. If they are not responding well, you’re not asking the right way. Learn the right way.

A Superior Level of Trust

You know you’re trusted when you begin to receive emails, phone calls, letters that ask for advice. I’m far from that, but I can use some examples. I obviously get emails and phone calls and what not, but I’m little, I’m a newbie. Let’s talk about the big guys, the guys that inspire thousands and that thousands TRUST even though they may have never met them. There is Anthony Robbins, Jim Rohn and so on. However one guy who I take my hat off to, and would delightfully applaud is Mr. Charlie Tremendous Jones. This guy IS truly incredible – incredible as a person, role-model, and speaker. I made a video to express my condolences for his death. Check out his website and you can listen to one of his presentations for free. Buy his book “Life is Tremendous” and learn to live in a TREMENDOUS way.

Moving on… you will get to a point in which people will seek to you for advice time and time again. There will be a point where you can touch people with your wisdom, your personality, your character. There will be a time where very few people will be able to escape your influence. There will be a time when the guy you look at in the mirror can smile back and be proud of the reflection. It will happen. I promise.

Special thanks to the beautiful Crimson Lena for her picture.