By Daniel Becerra

Just like all areas of life, mastering relationships is an inside out process. Inside-out means that the outside results are a direct mirror of the ‘results’ within you. How you change these ‘results’ from within dictate the results outside. With that in mind, ask yourself: What is your paradigm on relationships? Are your views on what a woman wants, accurate? How did you go about getting them? Are you more concerned with short-term personality or long-term character? If a relationship fails, who takes the blame?  Why does a relationship fail in the first place? These are all valid questions worth answering. The answers are in the next paragraphs. Read on..

What A Woman Wants

She wants a man to be proud of. Not a kiss-ass. Not a wimp. Not an abusive bastard either. She wants someone who is not controlled by others. At the same she wants someone who doesn’t want to control others. She wants a man with class, but not a toy who never smiles. A man who can make her hot, yet respect her. A man who is strong, but not rude. A man who is witty, but not a fool. A man who is kind, but not weak. A man who is emotional mature – one who goes after what he wants but is considerate of others in the process. An intelligent man, not an idiot. A gentleman, not a douchebag. A man with a mind of his own. She wants a self-made man, not a momma’s boy. Ultimately she wants an independent man that is willing to work his way into interdependency. (More on this in a bit)

There are plenty of things women want in a man. For some men, this seems like a lot to ask – especially to men who are relatively young. (When explaining this in public, I have actually heard several men complain ‘That seems like a lot of work, I’ll stick to masturbation’. I’m not kidding). Some will tell you “women don’t know what they want”. Even some women will tell you they don’t know what they want. Truth is, they do know what they want. It’s just that most (women and men) never dare to admit it because they are afraid they won’t get it. Likewise, some will say “men don’t know what they want”. This too is a misconception. Get over the crap and be absolutely clear about what is it that you want in a woman and you’ll find her. In turn, a woman who is clear about what she wants will find you.

Character First, Personality Second

So you’ve now learned from the Mystery Method that you need to smile as you walk into a room, great! You know that humor is a great energizer, great! You now know a couple of lines to get some giggles and admiration, amazing! Yet, why are you not fulfilled? I tell you why. Behind all that personality crap you have built, there is no character. There is no essence. If your teeth become yellowed and crooked. If I tell all the girls in the club what lines you’ll be using. What do you have left? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And this is when frustration hits in.

Today’s market is filled with quick fixes programs, especially in self-improvement. I was recently introduced to a guy seeking for help in dating. As it happens, the guy had been talked by some aspiring Pick Up artists who told him about the lines and tricks. The first thing he asked me was “What’s the easiest way to get girls?”. I responded “There is no easiest way. There is…”. He interrupted “Okay, okay.. what’s the fastest way?”. I looked at him square in the eye and said “There is no easiest or fastest way. There is the way. It begins with yourself. People perceive you as you perceive yourself. No love for you from yourself, then no love for you from others!”. He responded “That sounds like a lot of work” (typical). My response was “Are you willing to do the work?”. He said “I don’t know. Why can’t women just like me?”. I knew we were back to zero and said “Then just smile and live with it, buddy”.

If your definition of ‘getting girls’ is based on personality tricks, then you may honestly leave this page right now. It will do you no good. I feel horrible for you because you’re only chasing something that is not real. The only way to true success in your dating life does involve building your character. It takes time. It’s not easy. Your character will be tested as you’ll be presented with opportunities to go for the ‘easy way’. If you can really tell yourself that you will take nothing but the very best, then the very best you will get. Sure, work on that personality too. It is absolutely necessary to smile and have a great sense of humor, a good voice, and such; but don’t neglect character building. Ever.

Why Do Relationships Fail

Relationships fail for several reasons, but the number one reason is lack of self-mastery. Relationships are  really a direct reflection of who you’re. Realize that all successful human relationships are interdependent – not dependent or independent. If it’s dependent, you’re calling for a contract, not a relationship. If it’s independent, then you’re calling for disaster. A successful relationship is supposed to be interdependent – it doesn’t center on your partner but neither does it exclude him/her. I once quoted one my favorite writers saying “You don’t live for each other, but with each other” and this is absolutely true.

It is impossible to establish an interdependent relationship if both partners are not already truly independent (in all areas of life, especially emotionally independence). Successful relationships call for an already establish independence. Dependence only hinders a relationship. Think about it: How do you like a woman who depends on others opinions for her self-esteem? Not very much. How does a woman like a man who depends in others opinions in order to feel good? Not very much either.

An intelligent woman understands this: Happiness is something that only she herself can bring into her life. An intelligent man understands this too. A person who expects others to make them happy is doomed to failure. The problem is that it is rare for people to see this. It’s very rare for a woman to understand that no man in the world has the power to make her happy. Even more rare for a man. This is why when women encounter a man who knows this truth, they drool over him. They have found an interdependent man. They are now drawn to him, even if they are not aware of the reason. They will justify it in his confidence, his achievements, his looks, his manners, his charisma and so on. But what makes a man truly irresistible is his ability to be interdependent – whether that man is aware of it or not. Very few men live their lives upon this principle and that’s why 20% of men get about 80% of women.

The Bad Boy or Crazy Girl Who Is Lonely

There is the guy who can get plenty of women yet feels pretty lonely at nights even if a woman is laying by his side. I have met, befriended and dealt with men like this. I myself have gone through this. These men consider themselves independent. And women – to a certain extent do too. The truth is: They are not independent – not emotionally. They  have some sort of attitude that is attractive. The problem comes when he becomes dependent to that attitude of independence. In other words, they become obsessed with the feeling of being independent. Their self-esteem is centered on it. It becomes unhealthy. It becomes unthinkable to ever be alone and not get laid. It becomes unthinkable to risk getting hurt by loving someone.

This is the guy who doesn’t fail to women. He fails to himself. And failing to himself is automatically failing to women. Again, relationships are a mirror of yourself. You can fool in the short run, but never in the long run. When you feel slaved to your image of being a ‘cool guy’ and this belief prevents you from giving roses to a woman of your interest, then you’re no longer emotionally independent. You’re fully dependent to others opinions. So much for your hard work, pick up artist. If you’re going to choose not to give roses, then let it be a choice from the heart, not from fear.

The same happens for a female who is very attractive yet doesn’t think of herself as beautiful. I have also met, befriended, and dated some of these women. They attract plenty of guys into their lives. They have the beauty, the charisma, the professional lives handled. Nonetheless, they still feel lonely. They don’t love themselves enough. Gorgeous or ugly makes no distinction. Both sides suffer just as much. If you’re a 5’2 guy and not very good looking, you’d be wrong to think that a 6’1 stud with dark skin and light eyes suffers less than you.

We all through the same circumstances through several occasions. The difference maker is then not your circumstances; it’s your choices, your decisions. The biggest decision to make is to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, no amount of companionship will make you happy. In the words of the legend Viktor Frankl “The last of human freedoms is the ability to chose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” Do not be a prisoner of your mind. Ask some women. I’m sure they have met some guys who are just not very good looking, yet these guys don’t seem to realize it and act like the best looking guys in the world. That’s the attitude. Behave as if you’re already the man you want to be.

The Five Love Languages

Author Gary Chapman writes an extraordinary book “The Five Love Languages”. He goes on to explain the different five love languages. Understanding these five love languages is critical (to an explanation from me, click here). It allows you to express love in a way that makes emotional sense to your partner. Sure you can feel like working hard, sacrificing your time and energy for her is the perfect time to show love, but maybe she’s more into spending quality time together. Or maybe she likes to give you gifts, but you’re more into physical touch. It is possible that you do things that don’t move your partner emotionally at all, even if these things mean a lot to you. Don’t blame them. Just find their love language. It is understanding what love language your partner speaks that will allow you to stay true to that emotional commitment. This leads to another important aspect…

Love Is A Verb, Not Just A Feeling

Love is a verb. A verb is also a choice. You choose to execute the verb or not. Yes, there is love the feeling too. The difference is key. One is a verb, the other is a noun. One cannot exist without the other. To say “I love you” involves both a verb and a noun. There is the act of loving, which involves sharing time together, giving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service. Then there is the feeling of love. This feeling can only result once love the verb is exercised.

So here is the eye-opener: Love is a choice. Yes, a choice. It’s not a feeling that just shows up. You choose to love. You choose to do those things for someone. You choose to physically encounter that person. You choose to share quality time together. You’re aware of the choices you’re making. You may later tell yourself that you just fell in love, but the truth is, you technically chose to fall in love. While attraction can’t be helped, we are graced with the truth that love is actually a choice. You don’t automatically love someone. You choose to do it.

When someone says “Love is just not there anymore between us”, what they are really saying is “We no longer choose to exercise love”. When someone says “I cannot befriend that person”, what they are really saying “I choose not to befriend this person”. A real loving relationship is a daily exercise of love. We must choose to daily build on the things that are important for those we choose to be close to us. Everything is choices. Everything. I call or text my closest friends daily and often I do the things that I know are meaningful for them.This is when the five love languages come into place. You first figure out what moves your partners, friends, family members and then exercise your love in their language.

In Summary

• A relationship is not a contract. You can’t say “Now you love me. You can’t not love me from now on”. There is no contract as such. A relationship is then an emotional commitment - one that requires constant feeding of positive feelings and love. Exclusive or open, both relationships require constant feeding of what’s important to the other person.
• What makes someone irresistible is complete independence and willingness to move into interdependence.
• Focus on your character as much as you focus on your personality. At the end, it’s the only real backbone you have.
• Your suffering is not so unique. Looks, conditions, or the past don’t define who you’re. They define who you were. Decide today for a different life.
• Love the verb is a choice that must be exercised daily so that love the feeling stays alive!
• Learn the five love languages and apply them with the people in your life.

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