By Daniel Becerra

We all have expectations of ourselves and of the people around us – whether it be family, friends, or a partner. Some don’t like to admit it, but no one escapes it. There are certain things that we just love others to do for us and things we never want others to do. These expectations are so critical, because when we know someone expects something from us (and we care) we do our best to meet that expectation. For if we don’t, we know that loss of trust will take place. The problem is that all of us have expectations but few of us define those expectations – and even fewer state them. How could someone behave according to your expectations when they have no idea what your expectations are of him or her? How could you behave according to your family’s expectations or your girlfriend’s expectations? What about your friends? Even if you define your expectations, do you have the guts to communicate them?

When expectations are not met, then an invisible barrier begins to form and the more one tries to break it, the stronger it becomes. The reason is simple, one is trying to make up for something they are not aware of – even if they do something awesome, they are likely to make the same mistake, again and again. A very personal example is the following: I recently had a talk with one of my ex-girlfriends. It was one of those times when I felt that I really had to get to know my bad traits, so I asked her “What did you think of me? What was good? What could have I improved?”. Her answer was one of those that you know are coming but they still hurt you – “I loved everything about, you were and still are a great guy and lover, but it’s just that.. I only wished you would have taken me out more. I just wanted you to take me out more often”. I knew that was coming. I didn’t know it back during the relationship but I realized it after and my thoughts were confirmed that night. It was a nice relationship and I surely wanted to just make her happy, but I was trying to make up for expectations I had never met. There were occasions in which she tried to make up for expectations she hadn’t met, the problem was neither of us knew what our expectations of each other were!

Family, Friends and Partners

Defining expectations is not only important with your partner; it’s also critical with your friends and family. We all have expectations from friends, the problem comes when we don’t tell them. Our expectations, of course, should be reasonable and they are meant to make the relationship stronger and that the two parties benefit, not just one. It can be very hard to communicate your expectations (especially with family at times) but it’s one thing you really need to do. I will share some of the personal things I wrote in my journal so that you get the idea:

Friends

* I expect you to not betray my trust
* I expect you to listen
* I expect you to be on constant growth rather than in constant decline. It is alright to struggle (we all do) but don’t give up on yourself.
* I expect you to be able to admit your mistakes
* I expect you to have goals and dreams in life
* I expect you to be sincere with me
* I expect you to be understanding of myself and others
* I expect you to keep in touch with me
* I expect you to make time for me despite our busy schedules
* I expect you to love me for who I am, but I also expect you to be kind enough to point out where I go wrong, that’s real friendship
* I expect you to have a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself at times
* I expect you to be human and to joke around with me
* I expect you to have enough character to speak highly of others, and ignore the dirty mouths. It takes class to step above the mediocre, have that type of class.
* Specially, I expect you to keep your word, for I really want to trust you

Girlfriend (Exclusive or open)

* I expect you to be a part of my world, to discuss a book with me every now and then, to attend a seminar or workshop together. To just live a bit of my passion, just a bit of it. Just like I’ll live part of yours.
* I expect you to encourage me and support my decision for my career path, as I too will encourage and support yours.
* I really expect you to tell me what you expect of me
* I expect you to be sincere with me, especially when things go wrong
* I expect you to be passionate about something – anything
* I expect you to have a good sense of humor.
* More important – I expect you to have self-control
* Most important – * I expect you to be courageous and pursue your dreams with or without me – I’m not the center of your world, and neither are you mine. I expect us to live with each other, not for each other

Family (written from a son’s perspective – mostly)

* I expect you to divide chores in the household fairly
* I expect us to have lunch or dinner together as often as possible
* I expect us to make the sound during lunch or dinner table, and not the TV – turn that thing off
* I expect you to listen to me too, not just talk OVER me. I will listen if you listen.
* I expect you to be a role-model, and that you’re conscious that I pick up everything you do
* I expect us to lift each other up and never bring each other down
* I expect us to have moments of fun together, as a family, every so often
* I expect you to live what you preach and what you tell me
* I expect you to encourage me to dream and pursue my dreams
* I expect you to assist me in my formation of character, for it’s my goal that you’re proud of me
* I would like you to teach me values of hard work, discipline, oneness – but at the same time, I expect you to live by them
* I expect you to encourage me and point where I go wrong, but not to blame and put me down
* Most important – I expect us to be a family that lives with passion

I encourage you to define your expectations and to state them. You don’t have to sit down and say ‘this is what I expect of you’ – that can be tough. Try bringing them one at the time, do it when you’re getting to know each other, do it while you’re a conversation with a friend – do it. Don’t wait until something bad enough happens, it may be too hard to recover. Don’t succumb to fear or laziness, doing this will alter the course of your life forever.

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