There are common patterns to men who get quality and quantity, just like there are common patterns to men who get quantity but low quality, and of course like the guys who get low quantity and low quality. I personally define quality as character. The great thing about defining quality by character is that character involves great looks too. Character does not discriminate looks, but good looks can fall short of character. Some people are very good looking but have very little character. Fortunately a good character attracts good character, regardless of the looks.

What’s Good Character?

Good character is looking at the heart instead of looking at the outside.

While most men are primarily concerned about the looks of woman, a rare man is first and foremost concerned about her character. This majority of men can easily ignore things like intelligence, self-esteem, sense of contribution, and so on. They fail to realize that looks wear off, but character never dies. You might initially be attracted to the looks, but you fall in love with the character. In any circumstance, when men look solely at the exterior and determine quality by it, they praise the one thing that most other men praise: Looks. Think about it – mostly everyone of your guy friends talk about “how hot that chick is” and together they praise her looks, but it’s the man who is unimpressed by her looks and more taken by her character that will win her. This scenario repeats itself over and over again.

In order to better understand the reasons behind this, put yourself in the position of a very good looking girl with strong character. Imagine being that girl and having to put up with every guy trying to grind you from behind or grabbing your arm and saying “What’s up baby girl, do you have a boyfriend?” All of these attempts are pathetic and more importantly, overused. In view of that, while all the other guys do the typical thing, there is one man who is unimpressed by the looks, but certainly curious about the character (and secretly the looks too). He knows that looks can only take someone so far therefore he wisely seeks character above all. This is what very few men know and act on, and the reason why women drool over him. It’s a rare man that sees beyond the looks and it is this quality that makes him so unique and interesting. This is a new challenge.

Take It From The Roots

Stop just treating the symptoms, cure the disease instead

If you’re well read on this site or other truthful dating sites, you may have heard that you “ought to be a challenge to women and make sure her looks don’t affect you”. While that’s true, there is a difference between achieving this with techniques or manipulative behavior and achieving it through true character. In other words, there is a difference between treating the symptom and curing it.

I’m not suggesting that you go and tell yourself one hundred times that you’re not affected by the looks of a beautiful woman, or that you ‘neg’ her to prove you’re not intimidated or to teaser her. I’m not suggesting that you treat the symptom by using techniques or band-aids for when you get rejected. Instead, I’m suggesting that you cure the disease! To cure the disease means to change your perspective instead of changing your techniques.

A change in your physical approach will bring some change, but a change in your perspective will bring massive change. Why is this so? Because your perspective on things determines your techniques and everything else! On the other hand, a change in your technique will be limited if you don’t change your perspective. A change on technique while keeping the same perspective is similar to putting an unfit tire on a car using many different tools. No matter how hard you try or how different your tool is, if the tire is does not fit, then it won’t work. Sure, massive change on technique (over time) will eventually lead to change on perspective but it might take more time than you can afford. There is no pretending on one’s perspective – eventually your behavior will give you away.

Principle-Centered Perspective

You cannot break the laws; you can only break yourself against them.

I almost feel like I’m stealing Stephen Covey’s genius, but I think it’s necessary to explain this briefly before moving on. Stephen Covey is known for his take on Principle-Centered living. His books 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Principle-Centered Leadership, and First Things First (a trilogy I strongly recommend you read) deal with principle-centered living in depth. The main idea is that there are principles for living and there are consequences when we either live in harmony with these principles or against them. For instance, one principle is that of fairness. We can try to cheat the system, violate the rules, be unfair, but at the end, life will hammer us out. But if we live in harmony with fairness, we’ll be rewarded. In short, there is a way things work. Oh how true this is… there are ways things are supposed to work. We can fight against them but we’ll never win. Let’s now apply this concept of principle-centered living to dating, specifically the…

The Perspective of Imperfect Beings and Oneness

Get used to imperfection, it’ll make you more human.

I thought about it for a long time and experience with it for even longer; if there is one perspective to have on dating is that we are all imperfect beings – that indeed we’ll never be perfect. No matter how gorgeous looking or how promising someone is, people will let us down in one way or another. But that’s not the whole equation, we need oneness in it. Oneness tells us that we must live with imperfection and accept it. We must learn to forgive, move on, and in some occasions trust again. When one adopts this perspective, then we tend to seek for character. Looks no longer make up the perfect girl. We see beyond the surface and this makes the timid uneasy and the confident feel at home. Remember that everything wears off except character. It’s one of the few things no one can take away from you.

This is not to disappoint anyone and quickly look for a person’s fault. This is to say that when the fault comes, you’re okay with it. Knowing that we’ll never be perfect makes it so that we don’t glorify looks, but at the same time, it helps us appreciate the character of others.

Skills, Looks, and Competence

Character is not visible at first sight but other things are

You may have a great character, but how will someone ever know if they were never intrigued to find out? Character is not visible at first sight, that’s why you capitalize on skills and looks. Ian Smith put it best in his brilliant article The Darn Good Reasons He Gets The Girl, when he said “Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves”. Here is the deal: You do need the skills and you do need the looks. They are the ones that make the first impressions (and how important are those!). By skills I don’t mean you ought to be able to tell an entertaining story to dozens of people at the same time or fight a lion, but I do mean basic skills such as holding a good conversation or speaking confidently with her friends. And by looks I don’t mean you ought to look like Brad Pitt, but I do mean well-groomed, well-dressed and with an inviting smile. Needless to say, some skills are more attractive than others (per say artistic or fighting skills) and the better looks the merrier, but these are never defining. They just add to the equation.

Let me reiterate that again, skills and looks are not defining, they just add to the equation.

Conclusion

Behind the pretty [and not-so-pretty] faces, we find the same tender emotions that can either master us or be mastered by us. At the end of the day, remember the timeless advice that so many brilliant minds have repeated over and over again: They may forget almost everything, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.

For the last two weeks I’ve been decreasing the amount I sleep from an appalling ten (or more) hours to a fine seven. Although this doesn’t have a magnificent ‘wow!’ effect, it is less than the average eight, and it’s still falling. I didn’t read any how to sleep less manuals, hints or tips, but just followed what I would call common sense. If you want to learn how to sleep less then this article is for you. On the other hand if you’re quite content lounging around like a lioness in bed until well past noon, despite life being incredibly short then do so. Either way, sleep is incredibly important for health, learning and overall well-being. It’s not the quantity of sleep that matters, it’s the quality.

• Question – if sleep were a choice, would you or wouldn’t you?

Decide now how much sleep you want

Unless you want to be walking around like a zombie for the first week, cut down your sleep in small steps. I went from ten hours to seven hours in two weeks, which is a decrease of 12.8 minutes a day. Although I wasn’t that precise. The more you want to cut down, the longer it will take. Adaptation always takes time, and if you want it to be an easy transition then give yourself a month or more. The longer the transition phase the smaller the gradient. So let’s say you wanted to cut down by two hours over three months. That’s simply a decrease of just over a minute per day.

If you’re a little bit impatient and want to sleep less right now (like me) then be prepared for some pain. Not physical pain, but just severe fatigue. It started off as an accident – I was jet lagged so after five hours of sleep I woke up at sunrise feeling fresh and ready to conquer the world. It was so amazing that I decided there and then that I always want to wake up early (looking back, it was the god awful hour of 5AM) and be able to walk on the streets with no one else around. I knew that the only way to survive on so few hours of sleep was if they were high quality.

Get some quality sleep

This is the most important factor in how to sleep less. I want to stress it so much that if I could have your CD drive open and transform into a sign ‘QUALITY NOT QUANTITY’ then I would. In my opinion there are two types of sleep: deep and light. Deep sleep is when you’re practically unconscious. Someone could tape you to the ceiling and you wouldn’t notice. It’s when you wake up and have no clue how much time has passed. It’s the sleep that heals wounds, figures out complex problems, reduces metabolism, makes you grow and generally recharges all cells in the body with that mystical energy that only sleep gives. It’s deep sleep you want as much of and as quickly as possible. Light sleep is when your mind is drifting, you see dreams yet are aware of your own presence. It’s when if you really wanted to you could wake up, if a noise is heard, or one of those really random itches are felt then you’d climb back into consciousness.

It’s all about going deep

To sleep less, the key is in reducing light sleep, and strengthening deep sleep. This is where common sense comes in. Playing video games just before bed does not help. Those of you who are computer game fanatics will know exactly what I mean when you go to bed, and you actually dream yourself in the game (‘boom headshot!’). Similarly don’t pump out those last remaining press-ups, sit ups or pistol leg squats just before you crash. These only release adrenaline and happy hormones that do anything but let you go to sleep. Some say don’t eat, but I personally found eating a huge meal before sleep helped…Oxygen goes from the brain to the stomach – but that’s my experience.

• Question – Does sex make you feel more or less tired?

Bed time stories

There are countless “don’ts” but fewer “dos”. Sleep isn’t like a light switch. It’s a slow transition (unless you’re particularly knackered) that requires a routine habit. I generally found that by preparing for sleep one or two hours before actually going to bed helped hugely reduce the amount of light sleep. For some reason, parents learn and implement this for their kids but not for themselves. For instance, normally they’d say, “right! It’s time to get ready for bed: Bath, teeth and then a story.” The same routine, everyday that gets the kid to sleep…And it works for us older folk too. By having a shower, opening a book and reading in shallow (not bright) light until you are tired enough to sleep works wonders. This was my routine and it worked. I’m looking to improve it however by adding more things to the routine. Essentially all you’re trying to do is tell the body that it’s time to sleep. The more senses you stimulate signaling this the quicker it’ll get. So perhaps a scented candle, soft clothes, easy-to-read book, and calming music is the ultimate combo.

Alarm clock

Out of everything though, an alarm clock is the must have gadget. It is the deadliest weapon in all how to wake up early arsenal kits and it’ll (almost) never fail you. There are alarms on everything these days: mobile phones, microwaves, dishwashers, watches, computers and hell I wouldn’t be surprised if my hoover had one. Set it to the time you want to wake up, then another for five minutes later. Try and keep this time constant but if a social life means that every other night ends at the time you want to wake up then change it. I’ll come back to this in a bit. For the first week I used my mobile phone because it allows me to have two alarms. Yet as I discovered, this can actually work in your disfavor. If at the first alarm you don’t get up and out of bed immediately, you drift into what I call the ‘oh-no-you-don’t’ sleep phase where your body just feels like cardboard and will not get out. If you’re lucky enough to still be living at home with your parents, get your Mum to wake you up. She’ll be more than pleased to oblige.

You must, and I mean this, try your utmost hardest to literally jump out of bed at the first hearing of the alarm clock. Here’s the beauty of my how to sleep less article – Adrenaline will remove any fatigue normally associated with getting out of bed. Please try it because you will not be disappointed. After you have jumped out of bed (if you spend more than ten seconds in bed after waking you’ve failed) get in the shower. Just like going to sleep, waking up is a (far quicker) transition and requires a routine. Showering wakes up the senses, feels good, and refreshes the body ready for a hard day of work…

Not before a hearty breakfast though! After seven hours of deep sleep or less, I often found myself starving in the morning. Metabolism cranks down whilst you sleep, so unless you’re wanting to put on the pounds don’t miss this meal of the day. Food (and thus energy) is crucial to being able to stay awake for longer than normal periods of time. At first I forgot this minor detail, trying to survive an extra three hours a day with the same levels of energy. By the early evening I was feeling groggy and wondering whether this whole ambition was ridiculous. The normal statistics reveal 1940 calories per day for women and 2550 for men. This is based on a sixteen hour day ( eight hours sleep) – 121.25 and 159.7 calories per hour awake. So if you’re staying awake for longer realize now that you need at least another 200 calories per hour awake ( I increased it because these scientists are always a bit stingy).

High energy foods are of great benefit too. Bananas and cereal…Not Haribo Tangfastics (sour sweets). Don’t be shy of caffeine either, I’m a great fan of starting off the day with a hot mug of real American coffee and getting that afternoon boost from one too. Now, regarding some other stimulants/depressants…

For when you groove

Learning how to sleep less is difficult if your social or work life interrupts regular sleeping patterns. I got in a bit of a fiddle when I realized three or more times a week I would still be partying way past midnight. All I can say is don’t starve yourself of sleep. If your body needs it, then give it. You will be tired throughout the day afterward if you do not have a good nights’ sleep. So once you’ve caught up, then get back into sleeping less. Alternatively, as the Spanish discovered many centuries ago, an afternoon ciesta (or nap) works wonders. Thirty minutes of shut-eye may result in a few hours extra of partying…or working. I was often surprised to see Spanish families out until midnight or the early hours of the morning, including young children despite having to wake up early the next day. Their secret is a two or three hour ciesta around four in the afternoon.

• Related Forum Post – Are Naps Misunderstood?

Create the environment

I live on a main road with a healthy stream of traffic. Large lorries drive past in the middle of the night that shake my bedroom. I’m used to it now, but when friends come over they complain of the worst night sleep ever and being woken by multiple ‘earthquakes’. However when I stay somewhere else that is quieter, I can’t sleep at all. This is why creating a suitable environment will help you achieve the perfect night sleep. If you have road lamps outside your window, or if the sun rises burning your retina get an eye mask. Ear plugs I’ve heard can be of great use too, but so far nothing is on the market for creating artificial noise/vibration (not of that kind you cheeky monkey).

Side effects

Don’t be fooled about how easy this is. The first few days for me were coffee fueled and resulted in huge black eyes. Even if I were a Zombie and raw human meat was hung before me I wouldn’t have been able to pluck up the energy to lift my arms in that Egytian style Mummy manner. OK so it wasn’t that bad, but as suggested I did cut it down slowly. One and a half hours each week. Bags under your eyes are reduced by drinking shed-loads of water, vitamins and minerals.

As written earlier I’m now experimenting with furthering my routine before bed, and cutting it down to six hours. I’m also going to be investigating how to wake up with natural sunrise i.e. leave the curtains drawn open. So in order to stay tuned, join our Facebook group below. Looking forward to some of your replies to the questions throughout, especially whether sex makes you feel more or less tired.

Join our PUALifestyle Facebook Group to gain access to exclusive content, and to receive notifications of new articles via Facebook email. Meet other readers, discuss the latest and much, much more. Take a look at our online forum to see what the PUALifestyle gang is getting up to and join nearly 2000 others on Twitter following @DanielBecerra and @tomchurch.

Hope you’re all well,

Tom

By Ian Smith

1. No Fear

Fear creates resistance, resistance creates reluctance, reluctance creates… and well, reluctance creates nothing! When you do not act, you do not gain anything. Even when a man fails, he gains experience. He who doesn’t act gains nothing but a stronger sense of fear. By not acting, you are cementing that fear into your psyche. Most of the times, if you ask strikingly beautiful women if they are approached a lot, she will say no. And if you see the man she is with, you may wonder to yourself “Really? She picked him?” She didn’t pick this man because he has the best looks or the nicest car, she picked him because he had no fear, and he was  one of the few who approached her. Overcome fear, because in all reality, most of the fears you may have are really silly and illogical.

2. No reservations

This is tied closely to having no fear, but instead is more so linked to the fact that men who are successful with women aren’t tied down by much in their lives. Not much holds them back, and therefore they are able to act without being disabled by what are realistically insignificant aspects of their life. For example, I went two years of my life with a suspended license, during which time I was obviously unable to operate a motor vehicle. Some men would have taken this as a fatal blow to their ability to get girls, but instead of worrying endlessly about what I would do, I just acted. Sure, some girls were turned off by the fact I wasn’t able to pick them up for a date or disillusioned with the idea of dating a guy who was unable to drive, but for the most part this was no major roadblock.

I was honest and clear-cut with my situations and they respected the fact that I made no excuses for it. At the end of the day, it didn’t stop me at all. In fact, many of the women enjoyed playing a more commanding role in the relationship. They got to choose where we went when they would come over, and how we got there. I didn’t mind and for the most part, neither did they. Lesson being, we all have our obstacles, whether they are social, family, or material problems, we can’t let them hold us back from getting what we want.

3. Unique

Following the cookie-cutter example of what masculinity should be is only going to get you a certain type of woman and a certain type of relationship. That being, a cookie-cutter one. You are going to land yourself a ‘blah’ girl and a ‘blah’ relationship. People, in general, are drawn to that which they do not know or are unfamiliar with. If you approach a girl with the same old same old, then she is going to be unimpressed and therefore unenthusiastic in relation to you. In my years on the outside, I was told over and over again by the woman I spent my time with that they were impressed by whom I was. They were surprised when they first met me because they had expected something completely different. Once we began to converse, they were taken off guard by the fact that I was a yoga instructor, philosophy major, MMA fighter, and so on. By knocking down people’s expectations of you with a more intense and interesting illustration of the man you are, they will be absolutely drawn in, so that they may learn more!

4. Manners

There is a huge misconception that says that ‘assholes’ get all the girls. I can tell you that nothing is more false than this statement. Sure, assholes get girls, but they don’t get quality women. They get a woman who is masochistic, passive, and too submissive. What is true is that women like the ‘bad boy’ archetype, but they also want that bad boy to be a sweetheart. There is a fine balance one must strike to truly obtain Grade A women. Having good manners are an extremely important part of your persona, no matter what role you play in life. It’s really quite simple, but just like it, in these days good manners are quite rare. This again, makes you not only well-manners, but also unique.

5. Passion

Passion is a strong desire toward something of your liking. When women see a passionate men, they translate that to mean that this man will be passionate about their relationship. Passion is really the great energizer. Say you’re an animal or nature lover or you are passionate about a sport or some other activity. A woman will see that in your eyes, your words, or in your actions and she will know that this can be translated. There are different types of passion, some of which mean different things to a woman. She will see an animal lover or nature lover as a caring and compassionate caretaker, while she will see someone who is passionate about health and wellness as someone who will be a passionate lover. Knowing this can be used to your advantage in many, many ways.

6. Confidence and Competence

Often times, men walk around with a bloated sense of self-confidence when they aren’t competent – or capable – in their abilities. And other times men lack a sense of self-confidence, even when they are in fact competent in many areas of their lives. There is a balance to be struck. You cannot be confident and not be competent, because sooner or later your skills will be discovered. There is also a problem with being competent, and having no confidence. Your abilities will never have the chance to shine if you lack the confidence to display them. Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves.

For instance, if you are an incredibly intelligent and worldly individual, but never speak up in conversation, no one will ever know this. Or if you are not intelligent, but your false sense of confidence leads you to believe you are, chance are that you may find yourself putting your foot in your mouth and showing your ignorance. Confidence drives women crazy, but over-confidence drives them away! Competence is attractive. Everyone loves someone with talents, but without the confidence to shine, those abilities will never come to light. Reflect and find your balance.

7. Honesty

Being truly honest is something that most people have incredible difficulty with. People tell lies all the time, day in and day out. Big lies and small lies. People lies so much, that many times we don’t even realize we are doing it. Whether we are embellishing a story, covering a mistake, or outright lying, it matters not. This makes honesty a rarity in today’s world. When women (or anyone for that matter) are faced with frank honesty, it is a shocker.Especially when it comes to how you feel or what you think about them. As men, we find ourselves hiding our feelings in an attempt not to be vulnerable. But from my own experiences, every time I’m completely honest with a woman, it brings good things to my relationship with her. Whether I tell her “I really like you” (she likes this) or “I am not looking for a serious relationship, but I want to continue to spend time with you” (she might not like this, but she appreciates the honesty), I always have good results. Try telling the truth; but try it all the time!

8. Deep and Simple

I have never been the guy who goes all out in an attempt to try to impress a woman. I don’t wear expensive clothes (for the most part) and my outfits are certainly not straight out from GQ. My cars have never been top-of-the-line. I’ve never confessed my love in a poem or song. I’ve never laid a bed of roses peddles with 1,000 candles in a room for an evening of romance. I’ve never gone over board with anything, though I am indeed romantic and I do get the job done. How? I try to keep my life – and therefore my relationships – as simple as possible. When I tell a woman my feelings, I don’t beat around the bush; I get right to the point. I have my likes and my dislikes, but I keep an open mind. I don’t have a lot of stuff and therefore I don’t have a lot of junk.  There is no much stress about my life, because for the most part, everything is dealt with. People enjoy being around others who are not plagued with problems and complex baggage.

From my ow personal experiences, complexity creates confusion. Every time I tried to juggle multiple relationships with women through lies and deceit, it came crashing down like a house of cards. But every time I was simply honest with these women and told them I wasn’t about to be exclusive, it was smooth sailing. It seems the simpler I keep things, the easier it is to meet new and exciting people. Perhaps it is because the more complex our lives are, the more we have to focus on life stuff; but the more simple our lives are, the more we can focus on other things – like getting girls! Try reducing all aspects of your life to minimums. Because with that reduction in both physical and mental “stuff”, there is a creation for new growth and opportunity to flourish.

9. Worldly Knowledge

No matter what you think, women do not want to talk about sports all the time (if ever!). Nor do they wish to talk about the inner workings of your last drunken fiasco with your buddies. Sure, they will talk about it from time to time, just like you will listen to her beef with her girlfriends. The idea is to make yourself knowledgeable – to some degree – on all topics. Politics, philosophy, current events, pop culture, science and technology, music, history, and so on. The more you know, the more you can talk about, and the greater your chances of having a meaningful conversation with the beautiful woman of your choice. Even if you are chasing an airhead, if you are able to relate to her (even if she can only talk about say, pop culture) you will be able to develop a rapport with her and therefore, create a relationship with her.

10. The X-Factor!

I’ve heard it a million times, and any guy who has been successful with women in the past can verify this one for me. “There is just something about you that I can’t put my finger on, but I like you” – She says. Whether it’s your kind heart under a rough exterior or witty attitude and ability to think on your feet. Or the way you walk, the way you talk, or the way you look into her eyes while she is talking. There is always something that each of us have. Reflection is the key here. What is that makes you, you? The problem of the guys who don’t get any, is that no one notices their X-factor. No one notices it because they haven’t noticed it, so they can’t show it! I could tell you mine, but it’s top secret. Find your x-factor!

How much they have, how much they will have but never, ever how much they don’t have. That’s against the rules. To not have sex (let’s admit it, the activity is seen as a commodity in the majority of male minds) is to be a loser. To not drink alcohol is to be a spoil sport, and to not have money…Well that depends on what you spent it on.  I realise that by revealing this truth to the women of the internet world, my male ‘wingmen’ will be preparing some disgusting mixture of what only can  be described as brew for me to ‘longarm’ as punishment. Yet secretly, in the dark corners of pubs and clubs across the world, we all know it’s true, and what’s worse is that we all know that women all know.

When is it that the social dynamics of a ‘group’ are formed? If it’s just two guys talking to eachother then the topics will vary enormously. Depending on the friend it may include work, family, politics, philosophy, and goodness knows what else. If three friends hang out then the range of topics decrease as obviously the number of shared interests also decline. Four friends? Well now it’s reduced to universal interests such as music and sport. When there are five friends or more together, it’s my experience that unless you’re all spending a lot of time together and sharing loads of interests, the universal topics are those that you can all relate to is shagging, spending and boozing.

Take today for example. Brad and I were in the car driving into town to meet two others. Our conversation ranged from University, Archeology, websites, future plans, Anthropology and recent parties. We met two good friends for a game of Squash ( a shared interest). Sadly (or thankfully as some of the worse players *cough* would say) the courts were full so we went to the pub for a drink, or two…Actually three (another shared interest). Conversation included recent happenings and future plans as well as a bit of sport. Then we were met by another good friend and after about twenty minutes I pointed out to the group that all we had talked about was sex. How much we were having, how much we would be having, but never, ever how much we are not having. That’s against the rules.

Yet Is this really all we want to talk about as a group?

There is only so much one can talk about sex, money and alcohol. I’m a strong believer in that if a man talks about sex for more than five minutes, especially if it’s about how good it is or how much he’s getting, it means that it’s complete bullshit. Yet real men don’t blab on about this stuff, real men save the world from an economic crisis, or poverty, swine flu and even AIDs. I’d like you to read this following excerpt from a GQ article that discusses the meaning of ambition,

“Because we’re a shower, us modern men, composed for the most part of grasping, solipsistic knuckleheads, any game of tennis-elbow-foot that begins with the word “ambition” will quickly and inexorably tumble towards “money”, “power”, “success”. This is not how it ought to be. A Maserati is not an ambition. It’s a fast car. Being headhunted by a hedge fund, buying a second home in Wiltshire, picking your third wife from an online catalogue, watching your collection of Guatemalan sculpture appreciate in value, looking on as your daughter wins Wimbledon… these are goals, perhaps, but they are far too prosaic, too small, to be ambitions.”

No. This isn’t all we want to talk about. These self-gratifying instant pleasures are for boys. Curing cancer, creating an artificial black hole and solving the energy crisis is for men. This unwillingness to grow up, to look at our adolescent dream of fast cars, fast women, instant cash and to honestly say they are crap is the problem. This week I read a status, “David is finally twenteen!” Not the first time I had heard this new number popping up as teenagers seek to prolong their lack of responsibility. What’s next, twenty-thirteen, thirty-one-teen?! It’s time to aim higher, to find ambitions with slim lines of success, to put our skills to use and make this world a better place.

I am Generation Y. Many of you are Generation Y. Together we are more connected then any generation before us. We blog, we text, we Twitter, we Facebook, we call, we meet and we all have access to more of the world’s information as well as each and every human being than ever before. Yet just because there are more strings does not mean they are stronger strings. Having 10,000 friends on Facebook means nothing if you don’t have a relationship with any of them. Our quantity of connections have increased with technology, but our quality of relationships have not. Tribes start small. They are built on trust and honesty. This is why you’ll find groups of men who have real ambitions that talk about anything but sex, money and alcohol.

They will be obsessed, they will keep trying until death takes them and even then their message will spread. They will only talk about what they talk about because it’s their ambition. It’s a real man’s ambition.

Yet don’t assume those who only talk about materialistic prospects lack ambition. I think we all have it somewhere, under that layer of false beliefs. We can feel it; that yearning for more yet not in a self-gratified way. Men who talk about sex, money and alcohol do so because they haven’t found their calling. Sometimes it will take a death, other times an inspirational story or an inability to prevent something catastrophic that tears your heart apart. Just try and find it before your time runs out. My ambition is to explore the bigger systems at play in this world. To try and grasp an understanding at what makes us tick, how we as a species dance to the rhythm of life. And now that I’ve said it, we can stop talking about sex, money and alcohol… well, maybe just a little bit.

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Learn the Basic Definitions

Every educational text will refer to the same terms over and over again. Until you learn what these really mean, you’ll be left in the dark feeling lost. Get a notepad and every time you find a term jot it down and crack open the dictionary. If the specific word doesn’t exist in there, then a quick search on Google, “define: term” will bring you plenty of answers to choose from. Alternatively buy a relevant pocket guide to your topic which includes definitions for the terms. I use The Economist’s Pocket Finance and International Business Terms whilst I read any financial text. Once you have found the term, write it down in your own words and learn it. Cover it up, and write it down again and again until it’s memorised.

Now, when you come back to read the article it’ll make more sense until the next term triumphs you. It’s important to remember that there are a limited number of unknown words, and that eventually you will not need the pocket book any more. At first you may feel that there is no chance in hell, it’s like learning a new language and that the number of acronyms runs to infinity but it doesn’t. Looking at the front page of today’s Financial Times you can see how easy it is to feel lost: FSA, CIT, SWF, KPMG, KKR, equity, funds and bonds. Yet these are only eight terms, three of which refer to individual companies. Learning definitions gives you a huge sense of achievement and will enable you to read with ease.

Learn the History

Often I get stuck when journalists refer to a previous event that I am unknowledgable about. You can’t refer to another story if you haven’t read it yet. Since the FT is 125 years old, that’s a lot of history to catch up on. Every author has read much themselves, and they will almost always refer to something or someone which is like a hint: Go and read this. History teaches many lessons, the only problem is that it takes far too long to learn them all. You have to make an educated decision as to what history would be beneficial to ease Reading Block, and to gain further insight from the text.

My decision was to learn how money came into existence, alongside with the first bank, bond, share, insurance and stock market. A simpler example would be that of a car. Learning how a car was made will enable you to maintain and get the most out of it.

Videos, Podcasts and Novels

There are other mediums of communication out there, and if Reading Block is a problem then perhaps you ought to try something else. Countless TV channels now offer online streaming (BBC iPlayer is a notable example), websites give free podcasts (or give iTunes a quick search) and you could always attend an introductory seminar. Humans process the vast majority of information via visual inputs – there are plenty of statistics out there to prove this – and so high quality (in terms of content) videos can be the quickest way to learn theory and history.

By listening to related podcasts (the FT publishes one daily) and watching videos a picture soon forms behind what the article is saying. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to step back, learn a new skill and then approach again. Alternatively it could be the way in which the text is written that is problematic. I recently read The Penguin Guide to Finance that explained everything from the Time Value of Money to Speculation and Hedging through a story. It was very easy to read and has enabled a greater understanding of more complex texts for now I can refer to the story.

And it’s this last point of being able to refer to stories that I want to stress. Story telling has always existed in human societies, in all cultures from the beginning of mankind. You see it on the cave walls, you see it in the museums, religious texts, bookshops and of course the internet. We learn stories from the day we are born and the more stories we can relate to, the better grasp of the topic we will have. It may be the case that to understand one text, you will have to read many other stories first, which is why Daniel points out one ought to read books by the same author in order.

• Related blog article - Simple Ways To Become More Attractive

Visit the Location

If it’s possible, go to the place that the text is referring to. There’s a reason why schools organise field-trips, and that’s because it’s one of the best methods of learning. You breathe the same air, you walk the same paths, you see the same things, you eat and drink the same foods and you carry out the same exercise that the author did. Imagine your father trying to teach you fishing, he can give you as many books as he likes, force you to watch tutorials online, talk you through it, even make you listen to audio CDs that represent the noises of the activity…Yet none of this will compare to the benefits of getting hands-on and learning through experience.

I traveled up to the City of London in a suit to do just this. I wanted to find the banks, see what they looked like, watch and meet the people who worked inside them, find out where and what they drink, eat, relax, socialise, work and talk about. Sounds quite weird, but it was one of the most useful things I have done to help remove Reading Block. Now when I read an article, I can picture the company it’s talking of, I can refer to some of the workers I met, I can understand the attitude, the preconceptions and the tone of the text just that little bit better. Meet the people the text is talking about and you’ll soon find it very easy to understand.

• Related Forum Post – Happiness and High Energy

Read Through the Block

The majority of times Reading Block may happen however, is not because of a lack of knowledge, nor experience but actually just the inability to concentrate. It’s the same as Writer’s Block, and the only way to solve it is to just keep reading. To finish a book, you have to start it. And even if for every two pages you read you have to go back one, you’ll get there eventually. Today I sat down at my dining room table, turned off all distractions and simply said I am not leaving until this paper is finished. The golden rule for figuring out a meaning of a word is to read the entire sentence. To find a lesson in a story, you have to finish it so be patient with yourself and the author. Read out loud and keep going back until every sentence is read and understood. As financiers would say, keep reading – it pays dividends.

• Related Forum Post – Reading!!!

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To achieve a goal, sometimes it helps to become obsessed with it: to work at it arduously; to think about it all day; to dream about it at night and to talk about it consistently. An obsession can turn into an addiction – it becomes your source of enjoyment and if you enjoy working towards your goal that can only be a good thing, right?

For the last two weeks I’ve been working towards a goal: Gaining an Easter and Summer internship at a major bank in London. It started as just a mild curiosity – a few friends had done and recommended it, pointed me in the right direction and always an optimist I went for it like the carrot and the stick. Finance, I thought, what do I have to learn to be good at this? The answer is, as some investors will heartily answer, everything. Having previously studied Economics, I couldn’t say I was a complete novice to finance, but if I were to accomplish my goal a serious thinking cap had to be put on. So I changed the question to what don’t I know?

Reading through a few copies of Investors Chronicle back-to-back (no mean feat!), I highlighted every term that I didn’t know with a red pen. When I flicked back through the pages, it looked as if someone had had a nosebleed all over my magazines. It didn’t take long to realize that I had to know the basics first to be able to read a similar text comfortably and take some relevant lessons. All new topics, subjects and disciplines have their own language, they have unique vocabulary, jargon, phrases and humourus sayings that without a basic understanding forthwrightly would not come about with ease. For instance, when discussing the stock market you may hear quite often the terms bull and bear. Bull means it’s going up, bear means it’s going down ( created out of the attack styles of the animals).

To realise what you don’t know is a painful, but a very revealing exercise. It not only shows you great weaknesses in knowledge, but also new avenues to explore. With a new exercise book at the ready, I listed all the terms that I did not know and started researching definitions for them. This process is constantly ongoing because with every question answered, a whole new topic is revealed. For example, I’m currently investigating the tell-tale signs of a ‘market top’ – when the stock market is about to reach a peak. One sign is that of liquidity (a whole new topic), another is volatility plus eleven other ‘trading secrets’. It takes a very long time to investigate each of these and if you manage, it I’m sure you (like me) will be starting to become obsessed.

It was only once I started to develop these foundations that I could read a financial text and enjoy it. I actually found myself laughing at some of the quips, to which I then laughed even more – gaining enjoyment out of an obsession. It was at this point exactly that I realized that for as long as my curiosity leads to enjoyment I could accomplish this goal. If you’re not enjoying the journey, then what’s to say you’ll enjoy the result? There are many financiers, or students seeking to be, who have this goal in mind to become super-rich leading to happiness. They work all day and night in boredom and depression trudging aimlessly to a goal which won’t make them happy. At first you may be daunted by the task ahead; finding that you are essentially an infant in this new quest for knowledge and experience is not a pleasant realization. But once the wagon gets rolling, if you’re still not enjoying it then perhaps you should jump off before it’s too late.

Three nights ago, however, I could not sleep. The obsession had turned into an addiction and I was literally having withdrawal symptoms as I tried to get away from my thoughts. A friend had sent me a link earlier that day to Barclays internship webpage, where on it was a podcast from a recruitment employee talking to a bunch of wanna-be interns last year. As I listened to it, I was actually nervous. It was like I was in that room, he was talking to me, and I was shitting myself.

“You should be reading the FT everyday for three months. The Economist every week, and practicing GMAT questions until you can do them blindfolded. You should be able to answer whether you think oil prices will go up or down, and more importantly why. We get twenty thousand applicants to six hundred places, if you want this, you have to fight for it.”

Despite all my previous reading and learning, I did not feel in the slightest confident enough to take these guys and girls on. And I still don’t now…Not yet. It was time to seek help, to surround myself with like minded individuals as I had learnt so many times before in self improvement. I called every friend who had experience with applying or gaining internships, I began to hang out with them, talk to them constantly about it (if they’re reading this now, thank you!) follow up on all their advice, where to go, what to read, what to learn and who to talk to. I spoke to my Dad about it who thankfully works in a relevant sector and so he more than happily dished out countless texts, newspapers and magazines on my desk. Every string was pulled and by the end of the day. I sat there bewildered at the shere volume of stuff I had to sift through. My mind was on overdrive, I felt crap, I felt like I was doomed to fail and that I was being ridiculous to even have the audacity to try.

But then a thought set in: Goals are never easy to achieve, indeed you probably wouldn’t set one if they were. Yet there are some goals that will consume you, or at least try to and that’s what happened to me that night. I’m unsure whether it’s healthy or not to get so involved, so commited but looking back now despite only being three days ago I don’t regret it. I knew how to deal with stress – step back and observe the situation, so that’s exactly what I did. With some deep breathing I meditated until all thoughts came to a calm, then I tried to sleep and failed. Ah well.

This is an obsession now, and since that morning I’ve been growing in confidence as the pieces of this giant jigsaw come together. I have been reading the FT everyday, I will be reading the Economist every week (it comes out tomorrow), I have been reading the Investors Chronicle, finanical texts, practicing GMAT questions (mathematics test used in recruiting for management and financial institutions), learning more and more definitions, financial history and synoptic links but this is only worthwhile if I keep my eye on the ball. Sometimes a goal can go out of focus and it’s important to reign it in. For example, in a game of soccer, you need to keep your eye on both the ball and the goal.

For this reason I’ve also been researching the application processes, calling up all contacts and trying to get work experience to strengthen my CV. Thankfully I’ve gained a week or two at the FT, and may also have a week in Barclay’s. In this world of qualifications there is still a prevalence for the age old saying it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Perhaps most importantly however, I started early. When asking yourself ‘when should I start this?’ The answer is almost always ‘five years ago’. Knowing your deadlines adds to your drive, so if you don’t have one, create one and stick to it. An obsession is diluted with time however, for if I knew I had many years to accomplish this I would by no means be striving so hard to accomplish it. Because I only have until September, I know that every second counted is a second wasted. If you do create a deadline, make it difficult for yourself, make it a challenge.

Obsessions get things done. Perhaps in a month’s time I’ll look back and say, you call THAT an obsession?! Yet at least I know that I’m enjoying this journey despite it’s pressures and that’s the crucial part. An obsession is only bad if it’s a) detrimental to your health, b) causing negative effects to third parties or c) something you don’t enjoy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so engulfed in something that isn’t love before. It’s a good feeling, waking up with a purpose, a goal and direction for the day and so I highly recommend it.

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Personal development books are not novels. They are not meant to be read in one sit. I used to make that terrible mistake of reading a book as fast as I could just so I could get that sense of accomplishment. Needless to say, the books didn’t change my life. Nothing incredible happened after reading “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki or “The Richest Man in Babylon” by George Clason. Perhaps it is because I didn’t make the best use of them. They are called ‘life changing’ books. Yet, I read the books and I didn’t turn into a millionaire. I felt a rush to finish the books and go into the next one to accumulate as much knowledge as possible. As it turned out, this was a gross mistake.

The point of reading a book is not just to read it, finish it, and put it away in your shelf. It’s to extract its wisdom (or the author’s) as much as possible. I mentioned before that it takes a student of great books to become one of great knowledge. I didn’t say it takes a reader. I said it takes a student. A student then not only reads, but seeks to extract every bit of knowledge so that he understands it as much as possible. If it takes highlighting, underlining, circling, putting asterisk or stars, making notes on the side of the book, or discussing it with friends, then he does it. Of what use is a book if you’ll never write or talk about it? I once was reading a book by Jeffrey Gitomer – a master sales trainer – and a family member who passed by saw me reading the book. Jeffrey is known for his portable, smooth, playful looking books. As this family member saw me underline and write several things on it, he exclaimed “Don’t mess up such a nice book like that!”. He didn’t understand.

Some will say “I can’t be on the same book for more than a week!”. Bad. If you’re going to read a book, then take the extra time to actually understand it and apply it. Otherwise you will have wasted valuable time. Yes, I’m aware of some programs out there that work on the subconscious mind and enable faster reading and greater understanding. If you can afford those programs, go for it. But if you don’t, then don’t mind taking 2 or 3 weeks or even a month to fully grasp the concept of a book. Here is what I do:

• I first read the book front to back, highlighting, underlining, making comments on the side as I go.
• By the way, if the author recommends not to exceed one chapter a day, then I follow that. You should too. He/she is the teacher. You’re merely the student.
• I then re-read what I highlighted or underlined along with the writings I made on the pages.
• I might also read the sentences or paragraphs previous to the parts highlighted.
• I make sure I jot down all the book’s suggestions to be applied in actuality. I then work on those suggestions.
• I then go one more time through the highlights and re-write on my journal then best quotes or reminders from the book.
• If something is particularly important or profound, I fold the top corner of the page, so that next time I pick up the book again, I know there is something valuable in that page.

(These simple steps can save you tremendous amounts of time in the future when you need to be refreshed. Try them.)

Something happens when you repetitively read something. You begin to see things you didn’t see the time before. You begin to perceive a particular paragraph or sentence a lot more different than you perceived it when you first read it. Or you now find a topic you ignored before but is deeply important now. For instance, I constantly refer back to “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey. And each time, I see something newer and bigger. The book may not change, but my understanding of its wisdom does.

Knowledge in Order

Author, speaker, and University President Nido Qubein brought something to my attention a while ago. He said “Have your knowledge in order. If your knowledge is not order, you become more confused by definition”. How true is that! The libraries and bookstores of America are filled with books of financial freedom, happiness, personal development, and relationships – yet, we lack these very same things today, perhaps more than before.

What happens when you read a book on finances and then one on relationships? Correct, your mind shifts its focus. While it’s great to open your mind by reading on a variety of topics, it’s more important to grasp on one topic first then move to another. Failure to do this will result in constant shift of focus. Not good.

Here is how it works: Read books from the same philosophy in sequence.

For example: Now that I’m fully done reading Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits, I move on to another one his books “Principle Centered Leadership”. I could have chosen “First Things First” or “The 8th Habit”. But I think this choice will increase my personal understanding of Covey’s philosophy, if read next. For you, it might be a different book. Follow your instinct.

You should choose a book that roots on the same philosophy – and usually that happens to be by the same author. If I read Stephen Covey and then go Napoleon Hill, then there is a distortion there. Even if they both write on personal development, their philosophy is different. It’s very tempting only to read those ‘bestsellers’ with millions of copies, but don’t fall on the trap. There are some great books out that are complementary to those bestsellers. They just never reach the recognition they deserve since other book by the same author might be his best work. Read them all. Not just the most recognized. You’ll be amazed at what you find.

Sharing Ideas. Sharing the Books.

This could go under the suggestions for better understanding of your reading, but since I’m witness of how powerful this is, I decided to elaborate a bit more.

A great man named Jim Rohn once quoted “When you share an idea with ten people, they may hear it once, but you hear it ten times. That’s good”. This statement inspired me to share my quotes and insights with everyone I meet online (Twitter, Facebook) or off it. I recently started sharing my own short quotes and they have been receiving good comments and appreciation. This is only one good side effect, the other is that I get to read that idea again and the mere fact that I share it with others pushes me a bit more to deeply understand them. After all, what would I do if someone asks me ‘Can you elaborate on that?’.

If you’re comfortable, share the books too. Give them to a friend and let him or her know that you’d like to discuss the book later. I have talked to friends who have read the same books I have and it’s amazing how much a different perspective can make yours stronger. So don’t fall shy of joining a book club or asking a friend to join you.

I hope you have gained conscience of how critically important it is to use books the right away. Do you have any other suggestions? Feel free to share them!

Relate Forum Post:

• Recommended Books (Amazing Collection!)

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BBC reports that positive statements make you feel worse. But what if you’re stating the wrong things?

Self help is sometimes given a bad name. On July 3rd, the BBC reported that Canadian researchers found that ‘those with low self-esteem actually felt worse after repeating positive statements about themselves.’ (read article here)

Yet I believe this only happens when one tries to motivate themselves to do things that are not  in their true interests or they don’t combine positive statements with active progress.

A UK psychologist said people based their feelings about themselves on real evidence from their lives- whenever we feel that we have low self esteem, it’s based on real life experiences. Sounds obvious to me. So simply saying repeatedly to yourself, “I am confident. I have high self esteem” without real evidence will not work. Repeating positive statements derives from Victorian Samuel Smiles 150 years ago in his book ‘Self Help’.

Autosuggestion, made more popular by Napoleon Hill in ‘Think and Grow Rich’, is a ‘term that applies to all suggestions and all self-administered stimuli that reach ones mind through the five senses. Stated in another way, autosuggestion is self-suggestion.’

Hill noted more than 70 years ago that ‘the mere reading of the words is of no consequence unless you mix emotion, or feeling, with your words.’ In what seems like a forerunner to the Canadian research, he writes, ‘If you repeat a million times the famous Emil Coue formula, “Day by day, in every way, I am getting better and better”, without mixing emotion and faith with your words, you will experience no desirable results.’ (italics included). Faith is belief, and as we’ve already noted belief comes from real life experience. In order to believe you are ‘getting better and better’ you have to prove it to yourself by making active progress.

• Relevant forum post: Think and Grow Rich Book Club

What do I mean by active progress? This entails that you are making a conscious effort to improve your circumstances. That you are not just repeating positive statements, but combining them with different activities with the aim to further your position.

Imagine for an instant that you’re terrible at making money. You’ve never earnt much, you’ve always spent more, you can’t save nor invest. You believe you’re renegade gambler, and everyone else believes it too. Just by autosuggesting ‘I will make some money, I will save, I will invest’ will not get you anywhere. You will not have faith until you actually start earning and saving: Make active progress.

• Relevant forum post: Use the power of now

Simon Gelsthorpe, a psychologist with Bradford District Care Trust and spokesman for the British Psychological Society, said self-esteem was based on a range of real life factors, and that counseling to build confidence – rather than telling yourself things are better than they are – was the solution.

Find your true interests and say the right things

Many self help guides simply explain to tell yourself that you are confident before and after you sleep. Yet what if confidence (or whatever the subject matter is) is not your true interest? How do you find what’s really the cause?

To find your true interests or where your problems lie ask yourself for the evidence. Let’s assume again you believe you’re terrible at making money. Where’s the evidence? At first you may think that the evidence is on the bank statement, but actually this does not show directly that you are bad at making money. How many times have you really, really tried to make money? How many times have you developed a plan to provide positive value to others, executed it, and failed to earn? List your real evidence and then take a step back.

• Relevant blog post: Explore the Ego

For every single thing listed explore it and ask yourself why you failed. It may be the case that you lacked confidence to make that one sales approach, or that you messed up your organisational roles. Perhaps you didn’t have a well defined goal, or that someone else in your team didn’t pull their weight. Either way a new true interest has been found. It’s not that you need to learn how to make money, it’s that you need to improve your confidence, organisation or motivational skills. Autosuggesting these right things will have a far greater impact as you have evidence and thus faith.

True interests help stick you to that goal

It is often the case that we set ourselves goals that dwindle out of existence. I’ve experienced this over and over again (some of which you can read in my online journal) because I haven’t aligned myself with true interests. How many times have you woken up one day and said, right this is it. I’m going to be dedicated to this goal until it’s achieved! Only to give in ten minutes later? Images of resisting video games to revise during high school exams pop up here. Once a true interest has been found you must set a clear, defined goal.

Napoleon Hill has these three steps for autosuggestion:

1. Go into some quiet spot (preferably in bed at night) where you will not be disturbed or interrupted. Close your eyes and repeat aloud (so you may hear your own words) the written statement of the amount of money you intend to accumulate, the time limit for its accumulation, and a description of the service or merchandise you intend to give in return for the money. As you carry out these instructions, see yourself already in possession of the money. For example: suppose you intend to accumulate $100,000 by the first of Januray, five years hence, and that you intend to give personal services in return for the money in the capacity of a sales representative. Your written statement of your purpose should be similar to the following:

‘By the first day of January 20… I will have in my possession $100,000, which will come to me in various amounts from time to time during the interim. In return for this money I will give the most efficient service of which I am capable, redering the fullest possible quantity and the best possible quality of service as a sales representative of (describe the service or merchandise you intend to sell). I believe I will have this money in my possession. My faith is so strong that I can now see this money before my eyes. I can touch it with my hands. It is now awaiting transfer to me in the proportion that I deliver the service I intend to render in return for it. I am awaiing a plan by which to accumulate this money, and I will follow that plan when it is received.’

2. Repeat this programme night and mornign until you can see (in your imagination) the money you intend to accumulate.

3. Place a written copy of your statement where you can see it night and morning. Read it just before retiring and upon rising until it has been memorised.

• Relevant forum category: Effectiveness, Goals and Intentions

Conclusion

Those with low self esteem will not feel better until they address the right problems, find their true interests and then make active progress towards them whilst repeating positive statements. Saying ‘I am confident’ will only work if you have evidence and thus faith. Even if it’s only the tiniest of things that you’ve done, saying it then will have a far greater weight and influence because no matter how small, it’s significant. Positive thoughts need actions to anchor them. So now that you’ve read all this – and I thank you – do you think that you’ve ever ‘suffered’ from self help?

• Relevant Wikipedia page: Neuro-linguistic programming (anchoring)

Join our PUA Lifestyle Facebook Group to gain access to exclusive content, and to receive notifications of new articles via Facebook email. Meet other readers, discuss the latest and much, much more. Take a look at our online forum to see what the PUA Lifestyle gang are getting up to and join nearly 2000 others on Twitter following @DanielBecerra

I saw a man get hit by a car yesterday afternoon. It was a small hatchback, silver in colour that wasn’t traveling fast but enough to cripple a surprised pedestrian with a walking stick. There was no screech of the brakes, but rather a dull thump followed by a shriek from the young girl behind the steering wheel. I witnessed this from the other side of a two part road crossing, and wondered why out of the five people standing near him, not one had seen if he was alright yet. Putting my hand out to stop oncoming traffic I ran towards him, and despite being one of the furthest away, arrived first. Later on Twitter I ranted,

This was shortly replied by my good friend @ajhenry,

Although I had heard of the ‘bystander effect’ many times before, I hadn’t ever been consciously aware of it. By definition it refers to a social phenomenon in which individuals are less likely to offer help in an emergency situation when other people are present. The probability of help is inversely proportional to the number of bystanders. In other words, the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that any one of them will help.

Explanation of The Bystander Effect

As @catfishmaw explained, since the Kitty Genovese case – stabbed to death in 1964. The killing took half an hour, with 38 witnesses and not one intervened or even called the police – there has been huge amounts of psychological research in this area. Social psychologists have managed to demonstrate the effect within ‘labatories’ and now focus on two factors.

Firstly is the case of pluralistic ignorance. What happens is that people ‘monitor the reactions of other people in an emergency situation to see if others think that it is necessary to intervene. Since everyone is doing exactly the same thing (nothing), they all conclude from the inaction of others that help is not needed.’ Sounds bizarre but thinking about it you see the phenomenon everywhere. Imagine you’re inside a shopping centre, a fire alarm goes off but if no one else leaves, then neither do you. What about on a rugby pitch? A member of the other team has broken through your line of defense, if no one else is chasing him, it’s far less likely you will too.

What about a fight outside a nightclub? There are bouncers there, alongside with members of the public – you feel much less inclined to involve yourself than if it were just you. Yet in actual fact this is another reason why people may not help. ‘They may assume that other bystanders are more qualified to help, such as doctors or police officers, and that their intervention would be unneeded.’

The second major factor is known as diffusion of responsibility. During an accident, people assume that someone else is going to intervene and so are less inclined to act individually. This happens on a regular occasion within the London Underground. If a man jumps on the tracks, people at the other end of the platform feel less responsible to react because there are others closer to him.

Of course there are other possible reasons. For example bystanders may feel that it would be a risk to get involved – they might get hit by the train as well. Or that they’d lose face with friends, family and colleagues. This latter motive is very common especially when concerned with interrupting rowdy, anti-social behavior. How many times have you sat on a train and listened to Chavs (don’t know what this is?) ‘pump’ out their tinny (what they think is good) drum and bass on their phone, talking with vulgarities about one of their mate’s sister or mum? More importantly, how many times have you wanted to get a baseball bat of your own and clobber them over the head, but only to be stopped by a friend who is saying, ” don’t do it, just ignore them” ?

To make matters worse these days, there are many laws that may make the witness liable to prosecution. This worsens the bystander effect as people fear having to go to court etc. However, in some European countries (mainly the non-English speaking ones) they have a Good Samaritan Law which neutralizes this threat.

How To Diffuse The Bystander Effect

As @henryaj said, the best way of stopping the bystander effect is to be aware of it. But do you guys think about this? Have you ever experienced something like this? I have a feeling that every time you see something happening that requires assistance from other people, check to see if the bystander effect is taking place. If no one is doing anything, that does not mean nothing needs to be done. Be aware and take action as an individual. Don’t wait for the group, because the group is waiting for you. What other methods do you think exist that could prevent the Bystander Effect?

When you are the victim requiring assistance, point to an individual and ask for their help specifically. When the man was hit by the car, I experienced this for when asked, “has anyone called an ambulance?” no one replied. Only when I turned to a lady on my right and requested that she personally dialed for emergency services  did she act. So when you need help, shout out “hey you, in the red t-shirt, please stop this chav from punching me!”

Make a habit out of taking action. Now you know why people don’t, it serves as a motive for you to act. Be a good samaritan, help save a life.

Other Reading

• “Don’t Just Stand There – Do Something”, Safety Canada, January 2004.
• The Bystander’s Dilemma, Greater Good 3(2), Fall/Winter 2006-2007.
• “I kept saying, ‘Help me, help me.’ But no one did.” by Tara McCartney, The Guardian, August 4, 2005.

It’d be very interesting to see your views on this topic, especially any similar experiences or just points of view. If you’re reading this article on Facebook, then please comment here. Don’t forget to check out our free online forum with over 1,400 members.

Note from Daniel:

Tom, great write up for this article. The bystander effect is really quite something. I too have had experiences in which people just didn’t seem to react. Once as I stepped out of a club, one car recklessly hit a parked car from the side and just took off. I was two blocks away when I saw this and everyone just looked and commenting on what they should do. I immediately ran toward the car to check if there was people inside. Fortunately there was no one. I talked to the people watching and had them call the cops since some of them thought they read the driver’s plates. I was dumb-founded by the experience. So I talked to a friend about it. We realized it’s not only to save lives but for many other things. We came out with the following analogies:

With girls: Often we see that girl getting yelled at by her boyfriend/husband. This should be stopped. It happens quite often and it’s good to know that there are people who stop a guy who is being rude. However, there is also the girl who is uncomfortably sitting by a guy who’s boring her to death and she is just being nice. You can save her from boredom and bring her a new experience. Every guy in there knows that she’s bored. The problem is that they too wonder ‘Will I bore her?’. If you can be that guy who overcomes the ‘bystander effect’, then you’re really making something happen with the girl.

With family: How often do we witness injustice in the family? It might not be violence, but injustice is just as bad. When you see your aunt being nice to one of your cousins and mean to the other, then you know something is wrong. Overcoming the ‘bystander effect’ calls for action in important situations. Family is surely one of them. Do something.

There are plenty of other cases (job, school, etc) but the point is that overcoming or being aware of the ‘bystander effect’ is power. As Tom said, next time you see a situation that may call for your action, ask yourself ‘who’s falling in this bystander effect?’. Then tell yourself that it won’t be you.

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By Daniel Becerra

Just like all areas of life, mastering relationships is an inside out process. Inside-out means that the outside results are a direct mirror of the ‘results’ within you. How you change these ‘results’ from within dictate the results outside. With that in mind, ask yourself: What is your paradigm on relationships? Are your views on what a woman wants, accurate? How did you go about getting them? Are you more concerned with short-term personality or long-term character? If a relationship fails, who takes the blame?  Why does a relationship fail in the first place? These are all valid questions worth answering. The answers are in the next paragraphs. Read on..

What A Woman Wants

She wants a man to be proud of. Not a kiss-ass. Not a wimp. Not an abusive bastard either. She wants someone who is not controlled by others. At the same she wants someone who doesn’t want to control others. She wants a man with class, but not a toy who never smiles. A man who can make her hot, yet respect her. A man who is strong, but not rude. A man who is witty, but not a fool. A man who is kind, but not weak. A man who is emotional mature – one who goes after what he wants but is considerate of others in the process. An intelligent man, not an idiot. A gentleman, not a douchebag. A man with a mind of his own. She wants a self-made man, not a momma’s boy. Ultimately she wants an independent man that is willing to work his way into interdependency. (More on this in a bit)

There are plenty of things women want in a man. For some men, this seems like a lot to ask – especially to men who are relatively young. (When explaining this in public, I have actually heard several men complain ‘That seems like a lot of work, I’ll stick to masturbation’. I’m not kidding). Some will tell you “women don’t know what they want”. Even some women will tell you they don’t know what they want. Truth is, they do know what they want. It’s just that most (women and men) never dare to admit it because they are afraid they won’t get it. Likewise, some will say “men don’t know what they want”. This too is a misconception. Get over the crap and be absolutely clear about what is it that you want in a woman and you’ll find her. In turn, a woman who is clear about what she wants will find you.

Character First, Personality Second

So you’ve now learned from the Mystery Method that you need to smile as you walk into a room, great! You know that humor is a great energizer, great! You now know a couple of lines to get some giggles and admiration, amazing! Yet, why are you not fulfilled? I tell you why. Behind all that personality crap you have built, there is no character. There is no essence. If your teeth become yellowed and crooked. If I tell all the girls in the club what lines you’ll be using. What do you have left? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And this is when frustration hits in.

Today’s market is filled with quick fixes programs, especially in self-improvement. I was recently introduced to a guy seeking for help in dating. As it happens, the guy had been talked by some aspiring Pick Up artists who told him about the lines and tricks. The first thing he asked me was “What’s the easiest way to get girls?”. I responded “There is no easiest way. There is…”. He interrupted “Okay, okay.. what’s the fastest way?”. I looked at him square in the eye and said “There is no easiest or fastest way. There is the way. It begins with yourself. People perceive you as you perceive yourself. No love for you from yourself, then no love for you from others!”. He responded “That sounds like a lot of work” (typical). My response was “Are you willing to do the work?”. He said “I don’t know. Why can’t women just like me?”. I knew we were back to zero and said “Then just smile and live with it, buddy”.

If your definition of ‘getting girls’ is based on personality tricks, then you may honestly leave this page right now. It will do you no good. I feel horrible for you because you’re only chasing something that is not real. The only way to true success in your dating life does involve building your character. It takes time. It’s not easy. Your character will be tested as you’ll be presented with opportunities to go for the ‘easy way’. If you can really tell yourself that you will take nothing but the very best, then the very best you will get. Sure, work on that personality too. It is absolutely necessary to smile and have a great sense of humor, a good voice, and such; but don’t neglect character building. Ever.

Why Do Relationships Fail

Relationships fail for several reasons, but the number one reason is lack of self-mastery. Relationships are  really a direct reflection of who you’re. Realize that all successful human relationships are interdependent – not dependent or independent. If it’s dependent, you’re calling for a contract, not a relationship. If it’s independent, then you’re calling for disaster. A successful relationship is supposed to be interdependent – it doesn’t center on your partner but neither does it exclude him/her. I once quoted one my favorite writers saying “You don’t live for each other, but with each other” and this is absolutely true.

It is impossible to establish an interdependent relationship if both partners are not already truly independent (in all areas of life, especially emotionally independence). Successful relationships call for an already establish independence. Dependence only hinders a relationship. Think about it: How do you like a woman who depends on others opinions for her self-esteem? Not very much. How does a woman like a man who depends in others opinions in order to feel good? Not very much either.

An intelligent woman understands this: Happiness is something that only she herself can bring into her life. An intelligent man understands this too. A person who expects others to make them happy is doomed to failure. The problem is that it is rare for people to see this. It’s very rare for a woman to understand that no man in the world has the power to make her happy. Even more rare for a man. This is why when women encounter a man who knows this truth, they drool over him. They have found an interdependent man. They are now drawn to him, even if they are not aware of the reason. They will justify it in his confidence, his achievements, his looks, his manners, his charisma and so on. But what makes a man truly irresistible is his ability to be interdependent – whether that man is aware of it or not. Very few men live their lives upon this principle and that’s why 20% of men get about 80% of women.

The Bad Boy or Crazy Girl Who Is Lonely

There is the guy who can get plenty of women yet feels pretty lonely at nights even if a woman is laying by his side. I have met, befriended and dealt with men like this. I myself have gone through this. These men consider themselves independent. And women – to a certain extent do too. The truth is: They are not independent – not emotionally. They  have some sort of attitude that is attractive. The problem comes when he becomes dependent to that attitude of independence. In other words, they become obsessed with the feeling of being independent. Their self-esteem is centered on it. It becomes unhealthy. It becomes unthinkable to ever be alone and not get laid. It becomes unthinkable to risk getting hurt by loving someone.

This is the guy who doesn’t fail to women. He fails to himself. And failing to himself is automatically failing to women. Again, relationships are a mirror of yourself. You can fool in the short run, but never in the long run. When you feel slaved to your image of being a ‘cool guy’ and this belief prevents you from giving roses to a woman of your interest, then you’re no longer emotionally independent. You’re fully dependent to others opinions. So much for your hard work, pick up artist. If you’re going to choose not to give roses, then let it be a choice from the heart, not from fear.

The same happens for a female who is very attractive yet doesn’t think of herself as beautiful. I have also met, befriended, and dated some of these women. They attract plenty of guys into their lives. They have the beauty, the charisma, the professional lives handled. Nonetheless, they still feel lonely. They don’t love themselves enough. Gorgeous or ugly makes no distinction. Both sides suffer just as much. If you’re a 5’2 guy and not very good looking, you’d be wrong to think that a 6’1 stud with dark skin and light eyes suffers less than you.

We all through the same circumstances through several occasions. The difference maker is then not your circumstances; it’s your choices, your decisions. The biggest decision to make is to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, no amount of companionship will make you happy. In the words of the legend Viktor Frankl “The last of human freedoms is the ability to chose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” Do not be a prisoner of your mind. Ask some women. I’m sure they have met some guys who are just not very good looking, yet these guys don’t seem to realize it and act like the best looking guys in the world. That’s the attitude. Behave as if you’re already the man you want to be.

The Five Love Languages

Author Gary Chapman writes an extraordinary book “The Five Love Languages”. He goes on to explain the different five love languages. Understanding these five love languages is critical (to an explanation from me, click here). It allows you to express love in a way that makes emotional sense to your partner. Sure you can feel like working hard, sacrificing your time and energy for her is the perfect time to show love, but maybe she’s more into spending quality time together. Or maybe she likes to give you gifts, but you’re more into physical touch. It is possible that you do things that don’t move your partner emotionally at all, even if these things mean a lot to you. Don’t blame them. Just find their love language. It is understanding what love language your partner speaks that will allow you to stay true to that emotional commitment. This leads to another important aspect…

Love Is A Verb, Not Just A Feeling

Love is a verb. A verb is also a choice. You choose to execute the verb or not. Yes, there is love the feeling too. The difference is key. One is a verb, the other is a noun. One cannot exist without the other. To say “I love you” involves both a verb and a noun. There is the act of loving, which involves sharing time together, giving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service. Then there is the feeling of love. This feeling can only result once love the verb is exercised.

So here is the eye-opener: Love is a choice. Yes, a choice. It’s not a feeling that just shows up. You choose to love. You choose to do those things for someone. You choose to physically encounter that person. You choose to share quality time together. You’re aware of the choices you’re making. You may later tell yourself that you just fell in love, but the truth is, you technically chose to fall in love. While attraction can’t be helped, we are graced with the truth that love is actually a choice. You don’t automatically love someone. You choose to do it.

When someone says “Love is just not there anymore between us”, what they are really saying is “We no longer choose to exercise love”. When someone says “I cannot befriend that person”, what they are really saying “I choose not to befriend this person”. A real loving relationship is a daily exercise of love. We must choose to daily build on the things that are important for those we choose to be close to us. Everything is choices. Everything. I call or text my closest friends daily and often I do the things that I know are meaningful for them.This is when the five love languages come into place. You first figure out what moves your partners, friends, family members and then exercise your love in their language.

In Summary

• A relationship is not a contract. You can’t say “Now you love me. You can’t not love me from now on”. There is no contract as such. A relationship is then an emotional commitment - one that requires constant feeding of positive feelings and love. Exclusive or open, both relationships require constant feeding of what’s important to the other person.
• What makes someone irresistible is complete independence and willingness to move into interdependence.
• Focus on your character as much as you focus on your personality. At the end, it’s the only real backbone you have.
• Your suffering is not so unique. Looks, conditions, or the past don’t define who you’re. They define who you were. Decide today for a different life.
• Love the verb is a choice that must be exercised daily so that love the feeling stays alive!
• Learn the five love languages and apply them with the people in your life.

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