By Daniel Becerra

“Reputation is what others perceive you as being, and their opinion may be right or wrong. Character, however, is what you really are, and nobody truly knows that but you. But you are who matters the most”
- John Wooden, Legendary Basketball Coach

“Leadership is to listen to your followers, and then open the door for them to lead themselves. The secret is empowerment. The main incentive is genuine caring and recognition”
- Denis Waitley, Poet, Lyricist and Motivational Speaker

“Leadership is the resource that is needed the most”
- John Addison, CEO of a multi-billion dollar company

The thought of being called a “leader” is surely a delightful one. It’s amazing on its own, isn’t it? – To be called a leader means not that you have the skill, but rather the trust, empowering attitude, and determination that others admire and follow, and often times – wish they had. To be a leader also means that there is more responsibility on your shoulders. Keep this in mind everyday of your life: the great things in life are hard to get and even harder to keep. Being a leader is an everyday challenge, an art on its own, simply put: a privilege, not a reward. For the last couple of weeks and for the rest of my life I’ve decided to cultivate the traits of a leader, regardless of where I am or what I do.

Be aware, though, that to be a leader doesn’t mean you have to have hundreds of people behind you. As Nick Krygier said to me once, “You gotta be careful with [the] meaning you give to words. They can mess you up.” So being a leader also applies to leading your relationships and by leading your relationships, I don’t mean that “you decide, you take, you drive and so on”. No. That’s not leading, that’s your perception of leading. Leading, my friends is making others feel special; leading is opening others’ doors so that they can believe in themselves, and subsequently in YOU!

Previous to being told “Daniel, you’re in charge of the website now”, I had no idea how challenging it would be to keep up with over 300 or so ferocious readers (now a couple of thousands more). Previous to beginning my workshops, I had no idea how challenging it would be to empower guys into believing in themselves and taking action. More importantly, previous to being my own leader and assuming full responsibility for my life, I had no idea how challenging it would be to back up my thoughts. In short, good leadership is challenging, but certainly not impossible. Keep in mind that we all lead in life, it’s just that some lead for good, while others lead for bad. A good leader is not an average achiever, it takes more than average to be considered a leader and it takes almost nothing to be considered average. Keep that in mind.

Since Ian Smith has left, it has become harder and harder for me to run this website. He and I were such great friends that together we led hundreds of loyal souls into reading our thoughts almost daily. When a member didn’t message him, he/she messaged me and vice versa. We shared ideas together; we spoke on the phone almost daily about life’s stuff and of course, the website. Every day we had ideas that we would try implementing later for the website’s improvement. Things were great. Eventually, bit by bit, things went downhill, we started getting less active users, less participation, and things began to seem messy. The two of us – and everyone making decisions for that matter – seemed to have great ideas and intentions, but for some reason when we tried to implement them, they would work momentarily, not work at all or work against us. By the time Ian left, we were already suffering of low participation and there was nothing I feel I could do besides encouraging others to post, including the other decision makers. My requests seemed to be ignored and I bet I came off as arrogant, rude and prickish. I mean, who was I to tell what to do? I didn’t do it before, why would I do it now?

You see, I was given the role of the website’s leader – officially or not – I was now in charge of leading hundreds of online users into personal empowerment, and at that moment, all I had was the will and desire – but I lacked the knowledge and strategy. That taught me a very important lesson on leadership.

“Whether you like it or not, will is not enough. You must lead with example. As whatever relationship you have with someone is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.”

This simple thing – as cheesy as it sounds – applies not only to leading a group of readers into following, but also to your relationships, finances and social life. For example, when I first started meeting a lot of girls and getting into casual relationships I began to notice a common pattern. Most of the girls I would date ended their relationship with me in less than a month, or in some cases I would end it because they just seemed distant. Either way, they started to get distant from me before I became distant from them. For months, I tried to convince myself that things just didn’t work out and in my head, I said “Next!” It wasn’t until I met an amazing girl who changed my life for the better that I realized that I was a weak leader. Let me explain, if a leader must lead by example, then I would have to show with example that whatever thing she did wouldn’t get me angry or jealous because a leader doesn’t try to fix you. A true leader will open the doors so that you can see where you made mistakes yourself! By the time she met me, she was still dating another guy (although the relationship was basically dead). She never told me about it, she broke up with him and we went on to our relationship once I felt ready. Once I found out about it, my first thought was “How could she do this!?” but then my leader instinct kicked in saying “You have done this before, you have gone over to what makes you happy, even if that involves other sort of pain. Be the leader and she will follow.” So I did. Rather than getting angry and controlling – like I did in my previous quick relationships – I said “That’s okay, I’ve been there before as well”.

A new opportunity was born and she trusted me now more than ever. Want to develop real trust in your relationship? Remember this: Lead with example. If you trust yourself, she will trust you. You can’t trust her if you don’t trust yourself. Much less can she trust you if you don’t trust yourself. You can have a fake feeling of trust but it all fades as soon as adversity comes. You see, a leader performs even if he/she doesn’t feel at his/her best. Michael Jordan didn’t get to where he was by sitting down when he wasn’t feeling well. Word is, on his final championship he was suffering an extremely painful stomach problem, yet he knew his team needed his leadership at that moment- so against all adversity, the guy delivered, he inspired his team and soon enough they had the cup on their hands.

Going back to the website’s case, the urge to either lead this website or let it die put me in a position of desperation, frustration and rage. Many of my friends laughed about it, saying that I shouldn’t stress too much in making people participate – and you know what? They were right! Even someone who showed no title of leadership knew this. Close to everyone knew it, except me. One of my best girl friends (and girlfriend) said to me “Do what you gotta do and they will follow, I bet you”. She wasn’t lying. When I made great articles and simply encouraged others to post, traffic and participation went up high, when I stopped performing, I realized the entire website stopped performing. If you don’t believe this, then you better believe it now: When you grow, the world around you grows. That is powerful! Can we get this printed out somewhere? When you grow, the world around you grows. Ask yourself the following: Has there been times where you took strength out of nowhere and the people around me just fed off that energy and strength, ultimately leading you and your people to get what we wanted? If you can recall at least one occasion, then you, my friend, have been a leader.

Your leadership relies entirely on your character. So before I explain leadership, let me explain to you what character means (again, remember what Nick said to me). Character, as Basketball Coach Legend John Wooden puts it, is who you truly are. Nick Krygier gave an amazing example on one of his slides for the seminar, so I’m going to steal that. He says “If I asked you ‘Who are You?’ you would answer to me by telling me your name, your job and perhaps your hobbies – but what would happen if I take everything away from you, what would be left?” (As I read this in his slide, I paused for a moment in my head) “Your character, the only thing no one can take away from is your character, because your character is formed inside. It’s not external, it’s all internal and even if someone rips you apart you will still have that character.” *claps!* So, what am I saying here? Think about it for a second… That’s right! A leader does not need a title or possessions to be a leader. You have the power to step up and be a leader at any moment. You are designed to be a leader.

Unfortunately society has trained us to be self-destructive and without going too far into it, I will tell you this: It doesn’t matter. Life isn’t fair and it will never be. Nothing will ever go right and whenever it seems to go right, then something will happen and a new test will be presented to you. If things went right, then you wouldn’t have to do anything for yourself. As Charlie “Tremendous” Jones says“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” Does this make sense? If not, just read this ==> Life isn’t fair, get used to it and just do your best to live up to the challenges it throws your way.

A leader has an uncommon positive attitude on adversity

Let’s begin with what makes a leader, a great leader. We’ve all heard the expression “Never give up”. And as wise this advice is, is not giving up enough? In my opinion: no. To be a leader and a true achiever, you must, not only never give up, but you must always perform even when times seem not to be “right”. As a matter of fact, it is when times are not “right” that one can separate true leaders from aspiring leaders. (Again, an aspiring leader doesn’t need to own a company, but he must be a leader all throughout). Think of it like this, if a true leader didn’t stop trying even when his finances were bad then why stop trying when you get rejected by just one girl. In other words, if you can’t handle ONE woman rejecting you, how could you handle having that woman in the first place? To face (not escape) the fear of rejection, you must first assume the role of a leader. You must accept that – for one, you cannot control another person’s actions, but you can certainly open the doors to get to know a leader inside you and inside them. And next, you must accept that it’s perfectly fine to be a leader who has fear, it’s whether or not you overcome this fear what will make you a leader. Women are no exception to this.

You see, it is my belief that the key to get a girl (also known as “not being flaked on or dumped”) is to not only see an individual in constant growth but also an individual that brings growth in her.

Whooo! Boy! You see, I believe women can be as great leaders as men are. Times have changed, women can do anything a man can, end of story. But in a relationship, YOU! (the man) must lead and again, not in the way of “I drive, I take, I command, I decide” but rather by allowing her to see the potential in her – whether it’s achieving something or being a great sexual creature. And just for the note, the way you bring growth in a woman is not by lecturing on growth. How many guys have I taught that began reciting the same principles that I explained to them in hope of bringing growth in their girls? Plenty, really. I tell you this, the way you bring growth in a woman is by leading her and letting her innovate. For instance, if you try to manipulate an interaction by lines and routines, it might work, but what growth are you bringing in her? None. But instead, if you push yourself to have high standards (by growing), then there will be growth she must go through before she can meet YOUR principles. It is this same instant for growth that will make your woman feel more like a woman and you more of a man. A relationship, my friend, is one of the finest ways of getting to know more of yourself.

Apply now that same principle to your group of friends. Why were you given the position of group leader (assuming you were)? I know that I am, for the most part, the leader in a group. People expect me to make decisions and it certainly wasn’t always like this. When I started giving value to other people, people valued me more, but when I kept giving value even when it seemed no one could have any, then I became the leader. Think about the times you have been a leader and you’ll begin to see a common pattern. Now ask yourself this, can I be a leader in the near future? If your answer was no, ask yourself the same question again.

To get that girl, to land that job, to get those followers behind you, you must always perform at your best no matter what the situation is, and more importantly, you must always see yourself through the eyes of the people you’re leading. If you were them, what would you expect of yourself?

A final note on leadership

Starting today the first thing you can take towards leadership is assuming leadership of your life. For example, if you’re reading from me or any other write expecting them to change you or give you steps that will make it for you – then you’re automatically blocking yourself from leadership, no matter how successful you’re at modeling that method. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with modeling a method to then find your own way of doing things; the problem comes when your mentality is “taking another’s method for your own”. Each day, every day, I work on my writing so that it looks less like I’m telling you what to do and more like “How are you going to do it?”

Why? Because a good leader opens the doors for you and lets you innovate. A true leader lets you discover on your own. I realize I’m far from being a great leader, but by writing this post I hope to have woken up the giant inside you. My first step was to admit that leadership of this level develops on its own. I’m still working to bring this website up again and I’m aware that starting today, my leadership skills lies purely on what do I do to offer value to others. Starting today, I know that if I want this website to grow (as I promise to Ian that it would) I must grow by myself and continue to add value to the life of others. Those who understand and know what they want will follow.

I urge you to begin to develop the traits of leadership that lead people into greatness. For, leading people into failure, happens as a natural consequence of not growing. Always, always grow.

Words: Daniel Becerra. You can follow him on Twitter and Facebook