By Kris Hansen

I am obsessed with human interaction. As a pick-up artist, I get the opportunity to meet and interact with an insane amount of people. As a salesman, I get to meet even more, and many of those people share my interests, hobbies and outlook on life. Even as a gamer, I find that the games that are most spectacular are those in which the players interact within the framework of the game in new and interesting ways.

But my all-time favorite form of human interaction is the long-term relationship. It’s through a framework of love, trust and closeness that we best gain an appreciation for another person. When you’re out for your tenth coffee date, you will learn things about someone that he or she would not tell someone on first meeting them. When you’ve been friends for years, people feel comfortable sharing even the most personal of things. When everyone is naked, there is nowhere to hide your secrets (that aren’t terribly uncomfortable). Long-term relationships provide you the chance to get to know someone in ways other interactions barely hint at. But there is an art to building a healthy relationship, and failure in relationships can be devastating for everyone. This is how you can keep your relationships as healthy and manageable as possible.

State Your Expectations

I cannot stress this enough, and it is the basis for all relationship management. If you want something from a relationship, you need to make that desire very clear from the outset. Vaguery and ambiguity are the enemies of communication, and communication is vital to any relationship. Are you looking for a friend? Are you seeking a one-night stand? Are you looking for a long-term partner? Do you just want to party with someone new and exciting?

Whatever you want from your relationship, you need to make it clear at the outset. Understanding this will save you a lot of heartache in the future, as you search for answers to questions like “What exactly are we?” and the only answer you have is “A fling, sweetie. Go back to sleep.”

And there should be no room for miscommunication here. If you’re starting a long-term romantic relationship with someone, you will need to be very clear. In my own experience, I have to state “I don’t do exclusive relationships. If you’re with me, you are free to be with whoever else you want. But I have that same freedom.” It’s the sort of thing that sounds like it would result in losing a lot of potential girlfriends. And to be honest, it does end up in my losing a lot of potential girlfriends. But the girls that are not comfortable with an open relationship with me are not the girls I want to date. If a problem comes up, it comes up at the outset and you can judge for yourself whether the relationship is worth the sacrifice of your desires.

Be Honest

The urge is to gloss over the bits of your past that will not be particularly flattering. For instance, I’ve been homeless. That’s not something that comes up very often, and it almost never comes up when I’m trying to get to know someone new. But if someone asks or the subject should mysteriously come up, I’ll say it.

There’s good reason for that. If the person I’m talking to is making comments about homeless people that I find distasteful, I have to make it clear that they are also insulting me. Being honest about it gives them fair warning. It also gives them notice that I will be getting up and going elsewhere if they continue. More, it shows that I am not afraid of my past, I’m not letting it rule me, and I’ll talk about it.

Most examples aren’t quite so extreme. For the players in my audience, I say “I don’t think love is something you should keep to yourself. I think you should share it.” To the folks looking for one-night stands, I say “Hey, I’m not looking for anything serious, just looking to have some fun with someone cool. No strings.” To the people looking for serious partners, I say “Hey, I’m not saying I want something serious right away, but if it turns into something it turns into something.” For those looking for more friends, I say “We should party more. Is there a way I can get a hold of you?” By not setting yourself up to be something you’re not, you’re showing respect, confidence and value.

Continue Communication

In longer-term relationships, people tend to forget to keep the above points in mind past a certain point. Needs and desires change over time, and if you don’t keep your partner updated when things change, he or she cannot be expected to know you are now comfortable with something you weren’t previously, or you’ve become uncomfortable with something you approved of in the past. This also provides a meter-stick for whether or not relationships should continue. If you want a relationship to end on relatively good terms, break it off when your needs and your partner’s needs no longer match up. Agree that your needs are of equal importance and that each of you should find partners that better suit those needs. Now, this isn’t always going to end in nice, drama-free break-ups, but it will increase the chances that you and your new ex can still get along.

Continued communication also allows you to show your partner areas of your relationship you’re interested in experimenting in. Even if this is as simple as inviting a friend over to play video games, you’re entering into new territory. Does your buddy hump bodies when he’s made a kill? If so, he won’t be playing at my place. ^_^ Opening into new territory allows your relationship to grow and change, keeping it dynamic and interesting. Communicating your changing desires from a relationship is also what allows you to move from a friendly place to a sexual place with ease. If your friends are used to you escalating the nature of your relationships, they won’t find it out of place that you’re interested in moving into a romantic or sexual place with them (excepting only that their stated desires do not include romantic or sexual escalation).

Conflict Resolution

So your partner wants to introduce scat to your bed-time play. Or your friend wants to initiate sexuality into your relationship. Or your spouse wants to open your relationship. When your partner’s needs and yours no longer match up, there are three options: sacrifice, compromise or break up. How you choose between these options is left to your discretion.

Sacrifice is exactly as it sounds. You have the option of giving up your desire for the desire of your partner. Sometimes this is the best choice, especially when sacrifice would include things like “Wear a goddamn condom”or“I need to marry a person who follows Religion X.” You will need to weigh the nature of the sacrifice. Don’t think about how much you like your partner; do not think about your partner at all. Think about yourself, and consider: If you make this choice, will you be bitter, resentful, or angry? If you make this choice, can you be happy? Will you? For instance, I would not be happy as a married man. If one of my girlfriends suggests she will need to be married to be happy with me, this is not a sacrifice I could personally make. However, while I don’t really like the idea of Golden Showers, it is something I would most likely a sacrifice I’d be willing to make for someone I cared about.

Compromise is something that can be done when neither party wants to give up everything, but there is some possible middle ground that could be reached. Let’s say Lucy likes apple pie, and Natalie likes pumpkin pie. Lucy would like apple pie every month, but Natalie wants to have pumpkin pie every two months. So they decide they’ll go once every three months, and make neither of them perfectly happy, but both of them moderately happy. That’s a pretty outlandish example, but it illustrates the point. For compromise to work, both parties have to get something, and both parties need to receive something. If Lucy wanted apple pie every month and would not be happy without it, then compromise would not be possible. Creating compromise can solve problems where the outcome is not something as dire as continued happiness or health.

Breaking up is something no one ever _wants_ to do, but a lot of times it’s necessary. People tend to let bad relationships go on for far too long, even though it’s clear that the partners will never be happy with one another. When conflicts in expectations are so dire that they threaten a partner’s long-term happiness, and no compromise or sacrifice will suffice, the relationship should end. Break-ups should be about continued health and happiness. It is only when you allow a relationship to go on without resolving other conflicts effectively that relationships fail. Healthy relationships end, unhealthy relationships are four quarts of fail in a two quart pail. But hopefully, if you state your intentions clearly, you’re honest, you continue communication into your relationship and you deal with conflicts effectively, your relationships will never fail.

In the hopes we’ll be friends forever,

Namaste,

Words: Kris Hansen.

Photography: Calvin Wallace. You can check more of his art in his page.

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