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By Daniel Becerra

This is not an either-or matter. Do not be fooled by the title. This article aims to clear up one of the things that I am sure has happened to you, is happening to you, or will happen to you.

What happens when you want to improve all areas of your life and you simply just don’t know where to begin? What happens then? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had so many things you wanted to improve that at the end you just ended up confused and improved nothing at all? Or what about wanting to improve one aspect of your life more than the others, yet you were afraid you wouldn’t take good care of the others? It has happened to me and plenty of people I know and if it happens on this side of the world, I’m sure it happens on your side as well.

What does it come down to? I will call it “Focus vs Balance”, I’ll explain why now. For sake of understanding, I will call “Focus” the one thing that you have decided to improve the most, the one thing that you want to improve in this new year, or maybe in the next 6 months. And ‘balance’ will be not messing other aspects of your life because you’re ‘focused’ on another particular aspect. For instance, someone who is trying to do a lot of business may have a tough time finding the time to exercise or to spend time with his family and so on. Or if you’re studying or working for long amount of hours, then you may not have an awful amount of time to hang out with friends.

The Focus

There is a difference between focusing and balancing. FOCUSING is a special focus. It’s that SHOULD turned into a MUST. It’s that one thing you must do everyday because it’s what is most important to you at the moment. I find that the best option is to select one aspect of your life that you will FOCUS on and let every other aspect just balance. What do I mean? For instance, the aspect I will focus next is Finances and Wealth. I plan to read books on how to earn money, read biographies of self-made millionaires or billionaires. I plan to do experiments, write on my journal about it, and so on. Does this mean I will drop public speaking (Toastmasters), this website,spirituality, friends, and school? Of course not (even if it means researching until 2 am, and waking up at 8 am). Although if I did and focused entirely on finances, then I’d learn much faster. But I will not do that because other things also need to be done. I think Zig Ziglar said it best “Do what you need to do, so later on you can do anything that you WANT to do”. No matter how much you hate it, some things just need to be done.

There is a need to be clear about what aspect of your life you will FOCUS on next and more importantly for how long will you do it. Some people FOCUS for a period of one year, others for 6 months, others for 3 months. You have to commit these periods and whatever aspect you work on to paper. That is how it’s done. Write it in your journal or Google Documents which is free and you can put as much as you want. It was stated before, when you commit things to writing, that is a sign that you’re taking your studies seriously. So right now (or as soon as you finish reading this article), I would like you to do this:

* Take out a piece of paper. Draw a triangle. Flip it over, so that the widest part is at top and the peak of it on the bottom.
* Divide it into anywhere from 4-10 parts. These parts will be the aspects of your life. You can break it into whatever number of aspects you want to break it. If you visit the forum, then you can have a clear idea of how to break it down.
* Take your time on deciding what truly is the most important for you to DO right now. It may surprise you that you will actually take some time doing this.
* The most important part should be on the top, and then work your day down.

You can see what it will look like if you look at the Cone of Learning. So let’s say that the most important thing to do right now for you is your college education. Then that should be on top. It will signal that’s the most important thing for you and the area where you will spend more time. In other words, it’s your top priority. Other areas will follow, of course. Here is the trick though, every other aspect of your life must be improved as well, because you cannot improve your work if you don’t improve your family or social life, they actually complement each other. Just like your fitness level complements your productivity in the workplace or at home. In God’s infinite wisdom, when we improve one area of our life, others improve as well. They all are connected. The trick is in doing all of them, but putting more time in that aspect that is really important. For instance, my cousin is a relatively muscular guy and he exercises, no doubt that’s important. If you look at me, however, I am not muscular , but I do exercise, a relatively fewer amount of time because that is not my priority. I get enough exercise to keep my head clear but not to grow massive muscle. In my cousin’s case, he exercises to grow massive muscle, and reads enough to keep himself hungry for knowledge. See the difference? My cousin’s priority is obviously different than mine. His is fitness, mine is knowledge. We both do exercise and read, but at different levels.

Another example, I remember clearly the days where my good friend Jamie Craven took seriously his goal on losing weight and gain enough muscle to make it as a model for a prestigious brand, as an underwear model. Did he do it? Of course! Not only did he go from slob to sexy, but also he was featured in a prestigious magazine. We spoke often during those days. He spent hours researching, feeding his mind with the knowledge required for that specific goal. He read everything from how many calories each food has, how many snacks to have, what burns more calories, and so on. He took notes. He asked people. In short, he took seriously. That aspect of his life (fitness) was his priority at that point. (And boy, he made it clear!). But he still made time to hang out with people, talk to friends, feed his mind with other knowledge, help in the website, and so on. He focused on something, and he just…

Let the rest balance

Jamie just let the rest of it fall into place. He did what mattered the most first and still kept with all of his other responsibilities. Follow his example. As busy as your schedule may get, you will notice that when you put your FOCUS first, all the other things will balance. Like I said for me this year, it’s about Wealth and Finances, so I will do whatever it may take to work on it. I’ll do whatever it takes so that I find time for everything else I have to do. For instance, I’m also studying the Bible and reaching a new level on my spirituality, so if I find it hard to read the Bible during the day, then I’ll make the effort to wake up earlier just so that I can catch a glimpse of it. On days where I’m busy and I don’t get much time to read, then I could buy an audio on businesses while I exercise. There are so many alternatives. When it’s a must, you will find your way to get it done and all the other commitments will take place on its own.

If you want it, you’ll find the way, believe me. On the other hand, if you don’t want it enough, if you don’t have a clear sense of purpose and mission, then you’ll find yourself wasting more time, and you won’t even be busy! As corny as it may sound, it’s not the circumstances but rather how you adapt to them. Listen to motivational stuff while you exercise, clear your room, or drive. Wake up earlier to finish a task you may not get enough time for otherwise. Read that book with your girlfriend and ask her to test you on it. Exercise with your girlfriend to kill two birds at once. If you’re trying a new diet, ask her for support and to check on you. There are so many ways, you just have to get creative to find them. I’m not sure who said it, but the message was clear, if you want to get creative, you must remain positive, and if you want to remain positive, you must remain DOING things!

Ultimately – time management is a myth. You cannot manage time. It’s the only thing you will never have control over. What you can manage is your priorities and that you make sure that you commit to them. Something magical happens when you put your priorities first. It’s as if everything was just on your side. Do not focus on time management, it’s a waste of time. (See what I’m saying?) Focus on flexible planning, focus on prioritizing, focus on getting others to hold you accountable, focus on developing a sense of purpose, focus on those things, and time will be your friend, rather than your enemy. Lastly, commit it to writing. I cannot stress that enough. Commit it to writing. When you write it, you focus. When you focus, you balance it. When you balance it, you have amazing time management. That means you’ll have time for the things that matter. And when that happens, you’ll experience… happiness.

It was Mike’s turn. You see, Mike doesn’t like to get too sentimental. He hates it as a matter of fact. “I hate crying, man. It makes me feel so stupid. That’s why I never cry”. He confessed this to me later, in an attempt to play things off a bit. I thought it was funny how he justified he never crying. I asked, “What’s one thing really close to your heart, Mike?”. Without hesitation, he mentioned “My family”. I actually knew this about Mike. His family is everything to him, even when his father says the best thing for him to do is to join the Army, because he doesn’t have a future here; and even when his sister supports his father. His mother is in Pennsylvania and he misses her very much. His family is everything to him, period. “They mean everything to me, man”. What would you do for them, Mike? I asked. “Anything”. He said it with a conviction that left me to ask no more questions. He wasn’t the type of guy to get the least emotional at any moment, but I knew what he was hiding. “Thank you, brother” I said smiling. Anytime, said Mike.

“Ask me. Ask ME” said Natalie, more like a girl in school who knew the answer to the question the teacher was asking. Indeed, she knew her answer and she was eager to answer it. She is a gorgeous, super tall, goofy girl, and probably one of the nicest girls I’ve met. “Alright, Natalie. Since you’re super anxious, I’ll ask you – Tell me one thing really close to your heart”. “My Madea” she said it with such a big smile and excitement that it was clear that she meant it, although I had no idea what ‘Madea’ meant. “Your what?”. “My Grandma, Daniel. She’s 91!” she added “We call her Madea” and then “Oh, my grandpa too! Except that he passed away in 99″. So I asked “Did they raise you?”. “Well, I grew up with my entire family, but I love them to death. They are really fun”. I continued with “Cool. Now, if you had one day with them to do whatever you want. What would you do? Where would you go?” She thought about it for five seconds. I loved her enthusiasm. “I would just go to her house (Grandma’s) and sit down with her and listen to her stories. She always told us stories. It’s always interesting because she lived through the Great Depression, the War, and all of that” She continued “She told me there was no job and almost no food.”. To which I responded “She lived through the Great Depression, that’s right. That’s gotta be awesome to hear from”. She simply said “Yep”. I added ‘And we complain about this recession, right?’ Tell me about it, she said. “Alright, Thank you, Nat. You’re adorable”.

“Melody, it’s your turn. Do you mind answering the question?” I asked. She took her time to respond. “You already know, hun. But I’ll say it anyway” She was right, I already knew the answer to my question. There was no doubt in my mind that the closest things to her heart were… “My sons, I would do anything for them.” Melody is a mother of two. She’s 29 years old and surviving from paycheck to paycheck. It flashed into my mind when she told me weeks ago “Working to this company is not exactly the job dream I wanted to do, but it helps me keep my sons alive and well off”. Back into the conversation, I asked “If you could leave them one thing, just one thing before you part away, what would it be?”. She contemplated the answer for what seemed like an eternity (which really weren’t more than ten seconds) and she said quietly “A father”. She was moved, by this time, and everyone else just watched quietly. “They need a male role model, right?”, I asked. She responded “Yeah, besides their Papi (Daddy), but he is not exactly, you know…”. I knew. The father of her kids wasn’t exactly the father we all would want to have. “They’ll be fine”, I added “I promise” to reassure her of it.

“Linda!” I shouted while I smiled. She had a smile on her face now. She knew her answer. “Do you mind if I ask you now? Are you ready?”. She responded “Yes”. Alright, let’s hear it. She responded passively “My sister”. “I had a feeling you would say that, you know?” She laughed and exclaimed “You did?”. I did know. I met Linda one night and after 2 minutes of talking, I said to her that I could see some sadness in her eyes. And I truly meant that. Although she smiled at first, saying “I’m okay”, it didn’t take too long to tell me about her sister who suffers of Anorexia. She went on that night to tell me about being really worried about her. Going back to the conversation I asked “I’ll ask you the same thing I asked Melody. If you and her for whatever reason had to be separated, what would you want her to have?”. Her answer taught me something. “Her boyfriend” She added “Since she’s been with him, she is been much better. Not throwing up, eating better. She needs him”. I see, I said. “Daniel. My sister and I have never really connected but I love her, I really love her”. ‘I don’t doubt it, Linda’ I responded. “I really care for her”. I knew. I knew she cared for her. Linda is one of those girls who can care for people a half world away. Whoever wins her over will be one lucky man.

“What about you, man?” Mike asked. In between I had told them that I would go last and that at the end of all of it, I would explain to me why I asked them these questions. I knew my answer long before they asked me.

“People” I continued “My passion is people. Well-known friends, family, or just known acquaintances differ in nothing in my eyes. I’m learning and trying to see everyone equal” Bit by bit, although I get off track quite often I’m learning to love more. “That’s what is closest to my heart. No longer do I believe in achievement, money, sex, cars, etc. That will go away once I’m gone. If there is anything I want to leave behind is a legacy. At least a bit of change in the world. I want to leave people with a better connection and acceptance of each other. That’s what I want” And it’s true. No matter what color, what religion, what sexual orientation, what political views – we are all equal. Death makes no distinction, none of these things matter when it comes to death, we all die the same way. Our heart stops beating and then Goodbye. And what when we are gone? What is being left behind? A legacy of love, acceptance, and truth, or a legacy of hate and rivalry? One of my mentors said it to me very clearly “A relationship can die physically, but it’s worked out well while we are alive, then it will last forever in the spirit. The spirit never dies. If your spirit dies, you may as well die now”. Think about it for a second if you must.

“Now, I told you earlier that I would explain why I asked you these questions, right?”. Mike (per usual) was the first to answer “You sure did!”. It was time to tell them, and if they can know, then you, the reader, can know too.

“A friend of mine” – Someone who is close enough to my heart and far enough from my mind – “is very ill. If she doesn’t respond in the next three months to a treatment, she may then be dying” There was a silence, of course. And for a second, I felt like letting my eyes get watery, but I didn’t. I got my composure back on and I continued “I feel extremely hopeless because all I want to do is help her and at this point, I’m doing nothing.” Sometimes she is so closed up and it’s understandable. She is scared. She doesn’t want to give up dancing, even though her body may be asking her to do so.

There were some “Aww’s” as I spoke, as well as some stares of compassion and admiration. But I had to continue, I was very close to my goal, one that I had set at the very moment I began to ask the questions. “Beyond all of that, the reason why I asked you these questions was because I would like you to see that everyone has a story. People that we see everyday has a story and we just don’t know it. Had I not asked you these questions, you probably will not know much about each other, but now you do and it was quite quick, right?” They smiled. “If we could just get more people to tell us their story or at least feel comfortable enough to tell it, imagine what a better world we would live in”. No one said anything, so I continued “I think… that… we begin to live when we face death”. Natalie said “I agree, Daniel”. I continued, ignoring her comment for one second, and said “We fail to realize that no relationship lasts forever in a physical way. So if we just realized and internalized this belief we would all appreciate everyone else a lot more”. Mike added “It’s not that easy, man”. I told him, “I know, brother. I know”. I went back to Natalie saying “Nat, you mentioned something about death. Have you faced death or encountered it in a way of a relative close to you?” She responded “Plenty of times, but it’s not something I want to talk about right now” and she smiled. I respected that and so did everyone else. No one tried to persuade her into speaking and I knew we were understanding each other a lot more by now. And even though no words of “I understand you more” were spoken, a lot more things were being said with silence.

Melody went on to say that she too had faced too many deaths in her family. Linda added her fear that her sister may go extremely bad if her boyfriend left her. Mike added that he needed to find his purpose in life, and I told the story of my mother crying uncontrollably the night I left her to come to this country and the shame I had for not crying and for not hugging her as hard. I confessed to them that today, I just wished to have her here one day so I can give her that big guy I didn’t give her the night I left. We continued to share a bit more of stories and some laughs. There were some teases and some remarks.

“I’m sorry, girls, did I bore you?” Almost simultaneously, they responded firmly “No” and I was relieved that they did. “I don’t need to ask you, Mike. You have to listen to me anyway” I said laughing. “Yeah, jerk, whatever” he laughed too.

Death is a scary topic. It makes us uncomfortable and often we avoid it, but we forget that sooner or later it will get to us, no matter how long or how successful we are at cheating it. Of course, I want to cheat death for as long as I can, but if I accept and you accept that we can be gone at any moment, then we would appreciate our lives and the lives of others a lot more. Not only would we appreciate others more, but also we would have this incredible ability of getting so close to them and in their shoes, so that we too can understand them. As Stephen Covey said “Seek first to understand, and then to be understood”. Understand that some people will be in a situation that will not help them try to understand others because all they can be wondering about is why something is happening to them – accept these people and help them see things more like they are really, and there will be two winners, rather than two losers – that person and you.

Now, ask yourself: “What’s close to my heart? And what am I doing for it?”

Note: Names have been changed for privacy

By Daniel Becerra

To honor Ian’s excellent article on Simple Ways To Become More Attractive, I will follow up with Part 2 of it. These ways of becoming more attractive are as simple as the former, but they are just different. The thing is that both are simple to establish, but also simple to neglect. This list should enable you with tools to connect both sides and achieve results if you haven’t gotten them yet. You may have noticed that you were encouraged to exercise, educate yourself, sleep appropriately, work on your manners, and so on – and while what you get by following this lifestyle is great, what you become is actually greater. In other words, what you become is greater than what you get, and I don’t mean just looks-wise, I mean ‘spiritually-wise’.

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Misfortunes - An  attitude of grattitude is the first step for altitude, and dating too. It is easy to fall into the trap of focusing exactly on what we don’t have, this leads to endless sense of un-achievement. Of course, if you’re focusing on what you don’t have, you will never have enough. But amazing it is, that when you’re grateful for what you have, you often get more of it in nicer, bigger proportions. Not to count the positive attitude that will be radiating from you at all times. Let me give you an example, rather than complaining about your 5 extra-inches belly, be thankful for the fact that you have food to eat, while others don’t, and that you have the ability to use your legs, arms, and brain to exercise, while others don’t. When you take five to ten minutes of your day, everyday to become grateful for what you have, you often (not always by the way) will go out with a positive attitude, and as a consequence, achieve more.

Help others achieve what they want - It was the master motivator and sales guru Zig Ziglair who said “You can get enough of what you want if you just focused enough on helping other people get what they want”. Great women appreciate a man with a good heart as much as they appreciate a man with intelligence. I first saw evidence of the latter when I started dazzling people I knew for a long time when they heard me speak intelligently, and furthermore, write intelligently. Months later came up the former. I started getting involved mentoring kids, doing small workshops to donate to charity and so on, and sure enough many more girls admired this. The principle of helping others achieve what they want is not just related to charity or helping others but to your very interactions with others in social scenarios. Women go out to have fun and even though, they know some disrespectful guys will come by, they hope that it’s minimal, so if you can just be the guy who can help her achieve that piece of mind by making her smile and be genuinely interested in who she is, then you too will be helping her achieving what she wants, and as a result she will find herself more attracted and comfortable to you.

You’re not perfect - Absolute vulnerability is the most desirable strength, yes? What does this mean? It means having courage and a strong enough backbone to stay a man not only when things are all good and fun, but also when things are ugly and complicated, especially if it’s wholly or partly due to you. It means to admit your mistakes. Admit your jealousy. Admit you’re not the best at one thing. Admit this is not ‘your night’. Admit that you can be grumpy at times. Some people may expect you to be perfect, but those people are doomed to be disappointed for life. In this world, we need to get used to imperfection. It’s the only thing there is! Intelligent and higher level people understand that we are humans and vulnerable to mistakes, so if you admit them, you will become more human in their eyes, and as a side effect, more attractive and desirable.

Laugh at yourself – This goes hand in hand with admiting your mistakes and using humor for greater success. Smile at yourself and your silliness. If you make a silly mistake, don’t try to cover it up and become perfect. Laughing at yourself only adds more confidence to your level of attractiveness, this means, of course, becoming even more attractive. This doesn’t mean “sabotage yourself” or “Talk-down on yourself”. It simply means having enough confidence to smile at your silliness. Consider throwing lines such as “I can’t get it up” or “I’m only this good looking on Tuesdays”. When you begin to smile and laugh at yourself, then not only will the others admire you and find you more attractive but also they will model you. Soon enough you will…

Have them laugh at themselves - If you can laugh at yourself, then they can laugh at themselves. This makes the experience more unique because then they can act like ‘total dorks’ and still feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. Ask any girl if this doesn’t feel damn good. Not just girls, but us guys too. We appreciate those who we can be ‘total dorks’ with, and still be considered amazing. Not only that, but it will make anyone feel more human. Remember that at the end of the night, the week, the month or the year, they may forget what you said to make them laugh, but they will never forget how you made them feel. So throw some lines such as “I swear you’re not being a total loser tonight…”, or have them act silly with you, then accuse THEM of being silly. The point is not to ridiculize them, please DO NOT DO THAT, but rather to encourage them to smile at themselves. Per say, you’re in a relationship, and she goes momentarily crazy on you, do not shout back at her. You’re NOT COMPETING with her (Really, you’re not competing with your girl, that’s lack of manship). Wait for her to relax and show her that you recognize that something is bugging her and you will not leave her side, then have her smile at herself using a sweet line like “I almost had to hide under the bed when you started yelling”. And WATCH how much more she will admire you. You will of course only have enough wisdom and experience to get people to laugh at themselves if you learn to laugh at yourself – so get working on that.

Keep your friends – No one likes to date a loner. Your friends are not there only to back you up, but rather to help you bond stronger with whoever you are. If you’re dating someone, they are of great help (sometimes may be not, in that case, change your friends). If you are just flirting around, your boys or girls are there to back you up. Keep your friends. I know nothing sweeter than a group of girls giving each other emotional support, and in all honesty, I find a woman who helps her friends (with real issues) extremely attractive. I have no doubt women find men who help their friends (with real issues as well) attractive too. Do not give up the time you spend with your friends for anyone. Find a balance between them and whatever else you may be doing.

Keep your passions - Same for your passion. Nothing attracts other higher-level individuals that those who have a passion for something. I believe this is where Mystery’s success lies. I’m not his biggest fan sincerely, much less his method. I do believe that the guy is much greater than the sum of the parts of his method, because he is got a passion, a calling. That is what makes him and many other great people I know so good. They all have this incredible ability of making women feel so special, of making them feel like they are the only woman (or women) in the room. These are what you call ‘seducers’. Of course, not all of us are Casanovas. I myself am not a Casanova. I do not want to be one. Why? Because my passion is not women, it’s people. It’s making them think of ways to grow. And this passion has allowed to grow more attractive in their eyes. You do not have to be a Casanova to bring attractive people into your life, but you do need a passion. That should remind you again to not follow the trend or try to achieve someone else’s results, but rather create your own trend and follow it, your results will be unique on their own.

I doubt this list is finished, but for now I’ll cut it out. I hope you liked it and got something out of it.