There are common patterns to men who get quality and quantity, just like there are common patterns to men who get quantity but low quality, and of course like the guys who get low quantity and low quality. I personally define quality as character. The great thing about defining quality by character is that character involves great looks too. Character does not discriminate looks, but good looks can fall short of character. Some people are very good looking but have very little character. Fortunately a good character attracts good character, regardless of the looks.

What’s Good Character?

Good character is looking at the heart instead of looking at the outside.

While most men are primarily concerned about the looks of woman, a rare man is first and foremost concerned about her character. This majority of men can easily ignore things like intelligence, self-esteem, sense of contribution, and so on. They fail to realize that looks wear off, but character never dies. You might initially be attracted to the looks, but you fall in love with the character. In any circumstance, when men look solely at the exterior and determine quality by it, they praise the one thing that most other men praise: Looks. Think about it – mostly everyone of your guy friends talk about “how hot that chick is” and together they praise her looks, but it’s the man who is unimpressed by her looks and more taken by her character that will win her. This scenario repeats itself over and over again.

In order to better understand the reasons behind this, put yourself in the position of a very good looking girl with strong character. Imagine being that girl and having to put up with every guy trying to grind you from behind or grabbing your arm and saying “What’s up baby girl, do you have a boyfriend?” All of these attempts are pathetic and more importantly, overused. In view of that, while all the other guys do the typical thing, there is one man who is unimpressed by the looks, but certainly curious about the character (and secretly the looks too). He knows that looks can only take someone so far therefore he wisely seeks character above all. This is what very few men know and act on, and the reason why women drool over him. It’s a rare man that sees beyond the looks and it is this quality that makes him so unique and interesting. This is a new challenge.

Take It From The Roots

Stop just treating the symptoms, cure the disease instead

If you’re well read on this site or other truthful dating sites, you may have heard that you “ought to be a challenge to women and make sure her looks don’t affect you”. While that’s true, there is a difference between achieving this with techniques or manipulative behavior and achieving it through true character. In other words, there is a difference between treating the symptom and curing it.

I’m not suggesting that you go and tell yourself one hundred times that you’re not affected by the looks of a beautiful woman, or that you ‘neg’ her to prove you’re not intimidated or to teaser her. I’m not suggesting that you treat the symptom by using techniques or band-aids for when you get rejected. Instead, I’m suggesting that you cure the disease! To cure the disease means to change your perspective instead of changing your techniques.

A change in your physical approach will bring some change, but a change in your perspective will bring massive change. Why is this so? Because your perspective on things determines your techniques and everything else! On the other hand, a change in your technique will be limited if you don’t change your perspective. A change on technique while keeping the same perspective is similar to putting an unfit tire on a car using many different tools. No matter how hard you try or how different your tool is, if the tire is does not fit, then it won’t work. Sure, massive change on technique (over time) will eventually lead to change on perspective but it might take more time than you can afford. There is no pretending on one’s perspective – eventually your behavior will give you away.

Principle-Centered Perspective

You cannot break the laws; you can only break yourself against them.

I almost feel like I’m stealing Stephen Covey’s genius, but I think it’s necessary to explain this briefly before moving on. Stephen Covey is known for his take on Principle-Centered living. His books 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Principle-Centered Leadership, and First Things First (a trilogy I strongly recommend you read) deal with principle-centered living in depth. The main idea is that there are principles for living and there are consequences when we either live in harmony with these principles or against them. For instance, one principle is that of fairness. We can try to cheat the system, violate the rules, be unfair, but at the end, life will hammer us out. But if we live in harmony with fairness, we’ll be rewarded. In short, there is a way things work. Oh how true this is… there are ways things are supposed to work. We can fight against them but we’ll never win. Let’s now apply this concept of principle-centered living to dating, specifically the…

The Perspective of Imperfect Beings and Oneness

Get used to imperfection, it’ll make you more human.

I thought about it for a long time and experience with it for even longer; if there is one perspective to have on dating is that we are all imperfect beings – that indeed we’ll never be perfect. No matter how gorgeous looking or how promising someone is, people will let us down in one way or another. But that’s not the whole equation, we need oneness in it. Oneness tells us that we must live with imperfection and accept it. We must learn to forgive, move on, and in some occasions trust again. When one adopts this perspective, then we tend to seek for character. Looks no longer make up the perfect girl. We see beyond the surface and this makes the timid uneasy and the confident feel at home. Remember that everything wears off except character. It’s one of the few things no one can take away from you.

This is not to disappoint anyone and quickly look for a person’s fault. This is to say that when the fault comes, you’re okay with it. Knowing that we’ll never be perfect makes it so that we don’t glorify looks, but at the same time, it helps us appreciate the character of others.

Skills, Looks, and Competence

Character is not visible at first sight but other things are

You may have a great character, but how will someone ever know if they were never intrigued to find out? Character is not visible at first sight, that’s why you capitalize on skills and looks. Ian Smith put it best in his brilliant article The Darn Good Reasons He Gets The Girl, when he said “Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves”. Here is the deal: You do need the skills and you do need the looks. They are the ones that make the first impressions (and how important are those!). By skills I don’t mean you ought to be able to tell an entertaining story to dozens of people at the same time or fight a lion, but I do mean basic skills such as holding a good conversation or speaking confidently with her friends. And by looks I don’t mean you ought to look like Brad Pitt, but I do mean well-groomed, well-dressed and with an inviting smile. Needless to say, some skills are more attractive than others (per say artistic or fighting skills) and the better looks the merrier, but these are never defining. They just add to the equation.

Let me reiterate that again, skills and looks are not defining, they just add to the equation.

Conclusion

Behind the pretty [and not-so-pretty] faces, we find the same tender emotions that can either master us or be mastered by us. At the end of the day, remember the timeless advice that so many brilliant minds have repeated over and over again: They may forget almost everything, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.

By Ian Smith

1. No Fear

Fear creates resistance, resistance creates reluctance, reluctance creates… and well, reluctance creates nothing! When you do not act, you do not gain anything. Even when a man fails, he gains experience. He who doesn’t act gains nothing but a stronger sense of fear. By not acting, you are cementing that fear into your psyche. Most of the times, if you ask strikingly beautiful women if they are approached a lot, she will say no. And if you see the man she is with, you may wonder to yourself “Really? She picked him?” She didn’t pick this man because he has the best looks or the nicest car, she picked him because he had no fear, and he was  one of the few who approached her. Overcome fear, because in all reality, most of the fears you may have are really silly and illogical.

2. No reservations

This is tied closely to having no fear, but instead is more so linked to the fact that men who are successful with women aren’t tied down by much in their lives. Not much holds them back, and therefore they are able to act without being disabled by what are realistically insignificant aspects of their life. For example, I went two years of my life with a suspended license, during which time I was obviously unable to operate a motor vehicle. Some men would have taken this as a fatal blow to their ability to get girls, but instead of worrying endlessly about what I would do, I just acted. Sure, some girls were turned off by the fact I wasn’t able to pick them up for a date or disillusioned with the idea of dating a guy who was unable to drive, but for the most part this was no major roadblock.

I was honest and clear-cut with my situations and they respected the fact that I made no excuses for it. At the end of the day, it didn’t stop me at all. In fact, many of the women enjoyed playing a more commanding role in the relationship. They got to choose where we went when they would come over, and how we got there. I didn’t mind and for the most part, neither did they. Lesson being, we all have our obstacles, whether they are social, family, or material problems, we can’t let them hold us back from getting what we want.

3. Unique

Following the cookie-cutter example of what masculinity should be is only going to get you a certain type of woman and a certain type of relationship. That being, a cookie-cutter one. You are going to land yourself a ‘blah’ girl and a ‘blah’ relationship. People, in general, are drawn to that which they do not know or are unfamiliar with. If you approach a girl with the same old same old, then she is going to be unimpressed and therefore unenthusiastic in relation to you. In my years on the outside, I was told over and over again by the woman I spent my time with that they were impressed by whom I was. They were surprised when they first met me because they had expected something completely different. Once we began to converse, they were taken off guard by the fact that I was a yoga instructor, philosophy major, MMA fighter, and so on. By knocking down people’s expectations of you with a more intense and interesting illustration of the man you are, they will be absolutely drawn in, so that they may learn more!

4. Manners

There is a huge misconception that says that ‘assholes’ get all the girls. I can tell you that nothing is more false than this statement. Sure, assholes get girls, but they don’t get quality women. They get a woman who is masochistic, passive, and too submissive. What is true is that women like the ‘bad boy’ archetype, but they also want that bad boy to be a sweetheart. There is a fine balance one must strike to truly obtain Grade A women. Having good manners are an extremely important part of your persona, no matter what role you play in life. It’s really quite simple, but just like it, in these days good manners are quite rare. This again, makes you not only well-manners, but also unique.

5. Passion

Passion is a strong desire toward something of your liking. When women see a passionate men, they translate that to mean that this man will be passionate about their relationship. Passion is really the great energizer. Say you’re an animal or nature lover or you are passionate about a sport or some other activity. A woman will see that in your eyes, your words, or in your actions and she will know that this can be translated. There are different types of passion, some of which mean different things to a woman. She will see an animal lover or nature lover as a caring and compassionate caretaker, while she will see someone who is passionate about health and wellness as someone who will be a passionate lover. Knowing this can be used to your advantage in many, many ways.

6. Confidence and Competence

Often times, men walk around with a bloated sense of self-confidence when they aren’t competent – or capable – in their abilities. And other times men lack a sense of self-confidence, even when they are in fact competent in many areas of their lives. There is a balance to be struck. You cannot be confident and not be competent, because sooner or later your skills will be discovered. There is also a problem with being competent, and having no confidence. Your abilities will never have the chance to shine if you lack the confidence to display them. Men who are successful with women are both competent in their abilities and confident in themselves.

For instance, if you are an incredibly intelligent and worldly individual, but never speak up in conversation, no one will ever know this. Or if you are not intelligent, but your false sense of confidence leads you to believe you are, chance are that you may find yourself putting your foot in your mouth and showing your ignorance. Confidence drives women crazy, but over-confidence drives them away! Competence is attractive. Everyone loves someone with talents, but without the confidence to shine, those abilities will never come to light. Reflect and find your balance.

7. Honesty

Being truly honest is something that most people have incredible difficulty with. People tell lies all the time, day in and day out. Big lies and small lies. People lies so much, that many times we don’t even realize we are doing it. Whether we are embellishing a story, covering a mistake, or outright lying, it matters not. This makes honesty a rarity in today’s world. When women (or anyone for that matter) are faced with frank honesty, it is a shocker.Especially when it comes to how you feel or what you think about them. As men, we find ourselves hiding our feelings in an attempt not to be vulnerable. But from my own experiences, every time I’m completely honest with a woman, it brings good things to my relationship with her. Whether I tell her “I really like you” (she likes this) or “I am not looking for a serious relationship, but I want to continue to spend time with you” (she might not like this, but she appreciates the honesty), I always have good results. Try telling the truth; but try it all the time!

8. Deep and Simple

I have never been the guy who goes all out in an attempt to try to impress a woman. I don’t wear expensive clothes (for the most part) and my outfits are certainly not straight out from GQ. My cars have never been top-of-the-line. I’ve never confessed my love in a poem or song. I’ve never laid a bed of roses peddles with 1,000 candles in a room for an evening of romance. I’ve never gone over board with anything, though I am indeed romantic and I do get the job done. How? I try to keep my life – and therefore my relationships – as simple as possible. When I tell a woman my feelings, I don’t beat around the bush; I get right to the point. I have my likes and my dislikes, but I keep an open mind. I don’t have a lot of stuff and therefore I don’t have a lot of junk.  There is no much stress about my life, because for the most part, everything is dealt with. People enjoy being around others who are not plagued with problems and complex baggage.

From my ow personal experiences, complexity creates confusion. Every time I tried to juggle multiple relationships with women through lies and deceit, it came crashing down like a house of cards. But every time I was simply honest with these women and told them I wasn’t about to be exclusive, it was smooth sailing. It seems the simpler I keep things, the easier it is to meet new and exciting people. Perhaps it is because the more complex our lives are, the more we have to focus on life stuff; but the more simple our lives are, the more we can focus on other things – like getting girls! Try reducing all aspects of your life to minimums. Because with that reduction in both physical and mental “stuff”, there is a creation for new growth and opportunity to flourish.

9. Worldly Knowledge

No matter what you think, women do not want to talk about sports all the time (if ever!). Nor do they wish to talk about the inner workings of your last drunken fiasco with your buddies. Sure, they will talk about it from time to time, just like you will listen to her beef with her girlfriends. The idea is to make yourself knowledgeable – to some degree – on all topics. Politics, philosophy, current events, pop culture, science and technology, music, history, and so on. The more you know, the more you can talk about, and the greater your chances of having a meaningful conversation with the beautiful woman of your choice. Even if you are chasing an airhead, if you are able to relate to her (even if she can only talk about say, pop culture) you will be able to develop a rapport with her and therefore, create a relationship with her.

10. The X-Factor!

I’ve heard it a million times, and any guy who has been successful with women in the past can verify this one for me. “There is just something about you that I can’t put my finger on, but I like you” – She says. Whether it’s your kind heart under a rough exterior or witty attitude and ability to think on your feet. Or the way you walk, the way you talk, or the way you look into her eyes while she is talking. There is always something that each of us have. Reflection is the key here. What is that makes you, you? The problem of the guys who don’t get any, is that no one notices their X-factor. No one notices it because they haven’t noticed it, so they can’t show it! I could tell you mine, but it’s top secret. Find your x-factor!

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You what mate?! Replied a long-forgotten cockney accent. “The gentleman: that mannered, a la mode dude, well turned out but restrained.” The PUALifestyle team, although we enjoy the use of vivaciously varied vocabulary do not take well to ponsey poofy poop.  What he was trying to say is that THE GENTLEMAN IS BACK. It means that fashion for men has returned once again to the undefeated classics of simplistic, mature colors and threads.

Splendid stuff in my opinion. This makes shopping choices much easier as now there are only four choices of color to choose from: black, grey, brown and navy. I asked He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named to elaborate on what exactly the concept of Gentleman encompasses. He explained that the old styles “will be vanquished by an army of gracious men in classically cut jackets, half Windsor knots and, of course, pants. Retiree chic will fade. Men will be reminded that they look better in suits than they do in misguided cardigans.”

Translated: Buy a suit. Or better still: Buy a tailored three-piece suit (like this guy). I had to wear a suit for the last two years of my education and there was something swish about sliding on a fitting jacket. Girls loved it, bar tenders thought I was of age, jobs accepted me on the spot and swear words were vanquished as they just seemed wrong.

Sadly though a suit isn’t quite backpackers apparel so they have been left hanging behind my bedroom door for over a year now. Yet this got me thinking, a large majority of the PUALifestyle Forum are guys in college and you’re hardly going to wear a suit out in Fresher’s week or to a Fraternity alcohol filled gathering are you? A teenager in a suit is just asking to be beaten up. So Mr GQ of Oz, what are those of us who haven’t got professional jobs yet going to do?

“Gentle-manliness is obviously a matter of more than mere dress. The better man isn’t the one flashing the spiffier boutonniere. (In fact, if you stuff a flower in your lapel, you’re going to have to work extra hard to convince people you’re not a bit of an ass.) Chivalry, etiquette, some ingrained personal code – they’re all part of the composite.”

He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named had just stated that a fashion trend can follow without wearing the fashion. Bizarre, but understandable. To be a Gentleman you can’t just rock up to any old joint in a suit. You have to know the Top Ten Dating Manners first. You must walk the walk to talk the talk to act the part. He continued,

“One thing that links gentlemen together, across the ages or the cubical wall, is that you just kind of shut up about it. In a tell-all age, why not distinguish yourself with a little restraint? Actions speak, but in the place of pitching your coat every time a lady approaches a puddle, we have clothing for the purpose of sending out quiet messages. ”

Yet I wanted to know what this clothing apparently was for a young guy in a social environment – one full of Jaeger Bombs and Majito’s. The answer was quite simple, and I’d like to take you through the same exercise I was. Think back to the 70′s, imagine what they wore then: flared trousers with shirt collars up. Now the 80′s, introducing Nylon: Bright colors and printed designs a.k.a. the tracksuit. Now the 90′s, bit more mixed up here with denim jeans taking different shapes and t-shirts. And now? What do all the guys wear around you now? Unless you’re in a specific niche of style, the answer will most probably be a (t-)shirt and jeans.

Fashion trends tend to take the opposite of the norm with some restrictions. The casual Gentleman then wears trousers. Not jeans, not shorts, not chords, but trousers. Brown, beige (chino’s), navy or grey. You can wear suit trousers too, but actually when I went shopping yesterday, I was surprised to find that there are a huge amount of normal trousers for sale relatively inexpensive.

“Try wearing a rollo-neck jumper this Autumn.”

I must admit that at first I muffled a laugh at this, imagining myself wearing a black rollo-neck with chino’s and looking identical to Will from Will & Grace. Then He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named whipped out the latest copy of GQ Australia and showed me what he had in mind. There on the page stood a guy with chino’s and a similar coloured rollo-neck with a Gucci pattern on the front. This guy not only looked good, sophisticated (a beefcake) and cool, but actually like a Gentleman. It is possible to be a Gentleman in terms of fashion without wearing a suit whilst young and in a rowdy environment.

I’m embracing this advice upon my return to England, fighting through an addiction to denim jeans: Bootcut, skinny and straight-leg. However I refuse to wear brown loafers or black work shoes yet choosing instead my high-tops which are just sick. This is the first of hopefully many fashion-orientated blog posts for PUALifestyle, and I hope you have enjoyed reading it as I did meeting Mr GQ of Oz, and writing the encounter up.

Please let us know what you think of this article by commenting and discussing in the forum. You can discuss it here too.

This book is amazing. It’s a book that will give you a deeper understanding of communication in relationships. Of course, not just “communication”, but REAL communication (identification). If you have ever wondered why you kept doing things to show your love for somebody only to then find out that person didn’t feel loved at all by these actions. Yet, when someone else did another small detail – which seemed smaller in your eyes – it meant the world to that person. What is it about people that makes us respond to certain things very well? And very lightly to others?

Traditional dating ‘experts’ will tell you that what matters behind every action is the intention. Well, that’s nice, tell that to the one who is doomed to fail in relationships forever. While the intention matters, the way you communicate your love matters even more. Dr. Gary Chapman calls this the Five Love Languages. He presents this statement “You gave her flowers, when she really wanted was a hug. You kissed her when what she really wanted was a home cooked meal… It’s not your love, it’s your love language!”. The point is simple, we have different love languages and we respond to different things. If we learn to communicate in the love languages of our parents, friends, potential business partners, and so on, we are ensured to enrich our lives with fulfilled relationships. Here are the five love languages:

Words of Affirmation

Do you know someone who responds to words of encouragement really well? Or someone who constantly needs to be reminded that he or she is loved? On the other hand, have you ever told someone ‘I love you’ and even if it was true, he or she just didn’t believe it? All verbal expressions matter, but they matter more to certain people. Some of us respond better to words of affirmation, while others do not. Try saying phrases “Girl, you look beautiful tonight”. “You’re looking sharp!”. “Boy, do you ever know how to dress to impress!”. “Your work out is really beginning to apy off”. Of course, your words need to be sincere. You won’t tell someone he looks sharp when his shirt is wrinkled or not properly tucked in. Use what Tom Church said “Be honest in your confidence, and be confident in your honesty”

Quality Time

Sitting at the beach and watch the sun come down while youre talking about your childhood experiences. Or sit under the stars and talk about your dreams and vision of the future. Cooking a meal together and having a small food fight. Having silly games that bring you back to childhood for a minute. Having thought-provoking conversations. All of these thigns can be considered as quality time, and while there are countless others, you should not ignore trying a variety of different things.

Acts of Service

One of my ex-girlfriends recently told me “I loved when you used to take out the trash” with a big grin. Quiet a girlfriend, right? Some people just respond better to those kind of things. Most of us are plain flattered when someone does something for us, but there are certain acts of service that REALLY flatter other people. For instance, my aunt feels loved when I cook instead of having her cook. My friends love when I invite them to eat a home-cooked meal. Simple little details ca REALLY mean a lot. Just yesterday I bought a 30 cent scantron for a friend because I knew she had forgotten hers and she was so thankful and felt so loved. What did it cost? 30 cents. What were the results? Priceless.

Receiving Gifts

Some people just love receiving gifts. For them, it’s the way they feel loved and connected. It’s their channel to their soul. Don’t be scared, you do not have to buy expensive gifts. If you’re struggling financially,c creativity and being street-smart can get the job done. Common sense will tell you what you can give according to your income (and also what the other person deserves). Expressing love and affection for someone by buying them a necklance of diamonds within a week is not really love; it’s self interest. A love note in the mail. A rose. Now, from person experience I will tell you, if you give a gift and you nail exactly what she loves or likes, then you’re in for a big treat. The rewards will be huge. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Invest in your love and relationships for they will pay off very well.

Physical Touch

A rub in the shoulder. A slight spank in the butt, and yes pardon the bluntness but I love to do this . Holding hands from the car to the entrance to the mall. Putting your arm around her as you walk. Picking her up  as she screams for you to bring her down and so on. All of these are examples of physical touch and some people respond to it very well. Learning how to touch someone is an art. There  is no specific way to touch everyone, we all respond different to touch in different places, so investing the time to learn where your partner likes to be touched is so crucial. Don’t be afraid to touch people of the same sex. For instance, a manly touch on the shoulder is a great way to make someone feel more familiar with you. Some guys do not react well to it and that’s alright, not everyone will. Just like not every girl you meet will react well to a certain touch. Learn what turns on and off who.

The outcome you will get from investing in this book will far exceed the effort you do to get it. Buy it, read it, and let it change your love life.

“The glue that holds all relationships together — including the relationship between the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.”

“For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe” – H. L. Mencken

Trust is the most essential component of any relationship – business or romantic, it makes no difference. Trust has to be there. Many components can be there, but if trust isn’t one of them, not many things will get done. For instance, a girl may find you attractive, but if she doesn’t trust you, you are not going anywhere with her. You may have a million dollar idea but if the people who can help you don’t like you AND trust you, you will not go too far. Trust doesn’t pop out of the blue;  it’s built with questions and acts.

The deeper and more personal the questions and acts are, the more trust that will be built. Fear not asking personal questions. Do not just settle for the superficial ones. Ask for opinions, ask for feedback, ask them to be sincere. Don’t just ask them how many siblings they have, ask them how close they are. Ask her first if she is comfortable with you asking. You may begin with “Do you mind if I ask you something more personal?”. Don’t go straight into a super personal question, let the ball be on the other person’s court. If she feels comfortable with you asking that, she’ll give you the green light to keep going.

First Truth: Trust yourself.

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

As mentioned in the article of leadership, you cannot trust others until you trust yourself – let alone others trusting you unless you trust yourself. That won’t happen. When you go ask for that sale, dive in with conviction and power that you trust in yourself and your product, and more important that the customer will benefit for it. When you go for that girl, go in there convinced. Trust yourself. Trust that you ARE indeed the best option for her, because indeed you ARE the best option for as long as you believe it.

Trust your belief system. There is no way to fool your beliefs. How could you? If you don’t believe that you can sell, then you won’t sell. If you don’t believe you can get that girl, then you won’t. The opportunities and signs will be there, right in front of your face, and yet, you won’t see them because your belief just doesn’t let you see them. Beliefs are that powerful. There are several things that affect your beliefs, but the most important of them all is the people you associate yourself with. Do your family members believe in succeeding? Do you enjoy your work and workplace? Do you believe in your boss or manager? Do you believe in what you do? If you don’t believe in it and if you don’t love it enough, then you will not get others to trust you there. Never, ever, ever.

Trust your thoughts. If you’re thinking about something, dive in. Take action soon enough before you become too doubtful. With time, you’ll be sharp enough to make the decisions that are best for you.

Second Truth: Trust others first, and yes, it is risky.

“Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him.” - Booker T. Washington

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” – Frank Crane

I have been let down, burned, and slandered several times, especially when I first began my ‘career’. There was a gentleman who consulted with me several times through email about issues that he had and I gladly helped. One day, he asked to be part of the ‘team’ and I told him no because he wasn’t mature enough yet. He became angry and cut off any communication. Weeks later he started posting that I was scamming people and I was only interested in money. There have been other times where I trusted girls, co-workers, and even friends for this website, only to be let down. Yet, today I’m beginning to see much more positive results. I’m more often blessed than disappointed. I have met extraordinary people who I’ve become really close with and all because I began trusting them. I trusted them before anything without expecting anything in return. And boy, it has paid. You see, there is something magical about the people you attract. The law of attraction doesn’t fail; you attract that which you think of most often.

The most important component in Trust: Honesty.

“The man who cannot endure to have his errors and shortcomings brought to the surface and made known, but tries to hide them, is unfit to walk the highway of truth.” - James Allen

There are two types of honesty – one with others and one with yourself. The former is easier, the latter is complicated. It’s a lot easier to be honest when everyone is seeing what you’re up to, but it’s more tempting to cheat while you’re by yourself. You can justify your dishonesty in whatever way you want and no one will judge because you’re all there by yourself. For instance, you can go talk to that girl because of all the pressure your friends are putting on you, but will you do it once you’re by yourself? You may not cheat on your exams, but are you stealing essays from the internet for your homework? If so, are you really being honest? You can post all you want about your achievements, but are you really doing productive things when you’re alone? How real is your honesty? Tom Church mentioned in his amazing article “Honesty and confidence”, “Be honest in your confidence, and be confident in your honesty. I’m glad to have him as a friend, I couldn’t have put it better myself!

Here are some things you can do to begin exercising your honesty, and thereof, your trust. Have a conversation with a trustworthy friend and ask him to be completely honest with you about how you behave. What things you can improve. Recall old scenarios and bring the truth out. Keep in mind, not necessarily your best friend or the person who won’t hurt you, but rather someone who you can trust being honest – in short, someone who can get down to business. Keep your cool as there may be plenty of stuff you won’t like. Don’t be a douche by starting to yell at them for telling you the truth. Let them speak, do not cut them off. LISTEN. Oh, there, listen is another essential key to trust. Are you listening well?

Be honest to yourself when being alone. Do not give in the temptation. For instance, two days ago I fell into juvenile behavior by watching pornographic content. I have made a commitment to not do it, and although I have reduced it dramatically, I still fall every now and then. What about you? Are you telling someone something but doing something else when you’re alone? Telling someone you read when you didn’t read anything? I know it’s tempting, but do not give in! If you didn’t read, tell that person you didn’t read. Better a small disappointment now followed by great pride in honesty, than you being disappointed at yourself and no pride of honesty at all.

Trust Violation

“If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens,regain their respect and esteem. It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all of the time; but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Once trust is violated, it’s very unlikely to return. If you’ve been bankrupt before, how long was it before banks and companies gave you credit? 7-10 years? If you have hurt someone before, how long was it or what did it take for that person to trust you again (if that ever happened)? You may talk to someone, you may be even friendly with someone, but can you trust someone who broke the trust you had in him or her? Trust is that important. I can only remember the redhead girl that I so much loved. We both broke each others’ trust and even though the effort was made, no one could trust each other anymore. The relationship of course went downhill. If trust evaporates, you can BET the relationship will die. It’s quite simple, yet so difficult to understand, even more accept. Trust is precious, take good care of it.

And yes, I still encourage you to trust others, no matter how risky it is. They can violate your trust, but so can you. I write this so that you get an insight into how hard it would be for someone to regain your trust. If it’s hard for someone to regain your trust, wouldn’t it be hard for you to regain someone’s trust as well? The answer is yes. NOTE: It’s hard, but not impossible.

Trusting bit by bit

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Question for you – Do you go tell someone you just met your most obscure secret? Of course not, you wouldn’t tell some things in a lifetime, there are things she can tell right away like how many siblings she has or what she does for a living, but there is usually a process – luckily, you can get better and faster at it. Bit by bit, people will trust you. They test the waters first. They want to feel safe. When women sleep with you, they first need to feel safe and secure. They need to know you won’t make a huge deal out of it, that you won’t brag about it, that you won’t give her any STD’s, even more important, that your attitude toward her won’t change after sleeping together, that either you won’t leave her or that you won’t become obsessed with her. How long it takes her to trust you with this is an estimate of how long it will take for her to trust you with sex.

Some girls take a little longer to trust and that’s alright. Be patient. Some customers take longer to say “Yes” to your order and that might be because they have been hurt in the past or because they need extra re-assurance that what you’re telling is truth. Character, integrity, and honesty will get the job done here. If you really have their best interest at heart and you persist long enough, you’ll get what you want, and help them get what they want at the same time. On that note, whenever someone begins to compare you to another person, then you’re in trouble, buddy. She trusts that person more than she trusts you. You better get going on that case

Credible VS Incredible

Passionate: Whenever I coach someone (contact me for this, I had stopped for a while but I have re-taken it now), we deal with “Credible Vs Incredible”. You can do one credible thing and build trust one brick at the time, slowly… OR you can do one incredible thing and build an entire wall quite rapidly. Ever wondered why sticking up for what you believe to be right (especially when it involves danger) is so attractive? There is your answer. You do not need to do incredible things everyday, of course, but I suggest you exercise your courage often and develop your passions – when combined, these things will be extremely attractive. Or maybe if you’re familiar with the seduction community and its tactics, then you know how effective real alpha behavior is.

Genuine Surprise: Equally or even more effective is the act of surprise. Surprising someone (in a genuine way) builds trust. Do you think sending a ‘Thank You’ card when that person is not expecting it leads to trust or makes trust stronger? Yes. Do you think sending your girlfriend flowers when she is not expecting will make her love/like you more? Yes. Surprise her. This is a good time to ignore the idiotic ‘rules’. Fear nothing. I can remember vividly when I received a huge thank you card for my efforts – I trust that person even more now. If you feel like you could surprise someone and make that person’s day, then go ahead and do it. The price? Anywhere from 3-20 dollars. The outcome? Priceless. It’s simple, go and do it.

Superior skills: We are all fascinated by people who are really good at what they do. If you’re into the pick-up-community, you would definitely trust the ‘sound’ names such as David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, or Mystery (if your favorite is not here, pardon me, I haven’t read on the community in months). If you want to learn to dance, you would trust someone who is really good at it. If I had to recommend a dance coach, it would be Crimson Lena Mortimer, that girl can shake it! . The examples are countless, but the point is one only – superior skills lead and build trust and admiration. We trust those who have superior skills on a particular area.

Boldness and being fearless: You know that dude Jeff Hardy from WWE? Girls dig him. They love the guy. He seems fearless. You know that guy in the club who will take a woman away from a group, when she was previously surrounded by 10 or more guys? Do you know that bar scene from the movie ‘Hitch’? – THAT kind of move. That’s bold. That’s creative. That’s authentic. My friend, Nick Krygier, shared a story with me about a beautiful girl in a nightclub being surrounded by 5 guys. One of his friends stood in front of the group and said something ridiculously bold to the girl; he did loud enough for her and all the guys to hear. He attracted her within seconds. He WOW’ed her. She trusted him from there on. A couple of more ‘girl tests’ and she was his. I met one of my girlfriends at the mall. She was working behind the counter. I walked up to say and after a few words, I looked back and there was a long line of people waiting to be served. I said “I’m leaving as soon as I get her number”. With that, I turned around and said “What’s your number?”. She trusted me from there on, and two days later we were on a ‘date’. Do I make myself clear here? Boldness and creativity. No need to be an asshole, just be bold.

Passion and Kindness: Nate Trimmer is an incredible guy. He is part of the world wide organization ROTARAC. I met him in my Business Law class. I knew I ‘could’ trust this guy from the get-go. There was just something about him that told me this guy was trustworthy and I was correct. Nate is very passionate about serving others and volunteering his time for others. Actually, as I write this (February 14, 2009 at 1:09 AM) he is in Mexico, probably sleeping now, but in the morning he’ll be providing medicine to kids in poor areas of Mexico to make sure they don’t get deadly diseases. I tell you, I TRUST a guy like that. What makes me trust Nate Trimmer more? We have to read the Wall Street Journal for that same class (Business Law) and what does he do? He brings the paper to campus everyday and saves it for me to just pick it up. Isn’t that incredible? I’m very thankful to him and I let him know it more often than not. I value his friendship, and again, I trust him. Nate too is beyond credible, he is an incredible being.

Genuine Friendliness: Shaun McMillan is my spiritual mentor. He doesn’t charge me a dime and I have written briefly about him in the article “The Principle of Love”. Shaun met me (He found me) during week of welcome (the week where there is sign-ups for clubs and orgs in University) and there was something about this guy that had “Genuine caring” written all over him, so I decided to meet up with him a week later. Now, we meet up weekly (to the best of our ability) and he makes it so easy for us to meet. We have served food to each other and so on. Sometimes I feel the burden of becoming more spiritual and responsible, and Shaun lets me know it in a very subtle way. However, I know and I trust that he has my best interest at heart. His friendship meets no requirement or condition and I can be absolutely sincere with him. His spiritual advice is also sound. He has helped me regain my faith in God (You gotta meet people like Shaun to realize that God does exist). For that, I trust him. Shaun – in short – has acquired trust with me because of his genuine caring and friendship. He too is incredible.

Fear not a single thing. Speak when you want to be heard. Act when you want to get things done. Train yourself when you need to succeed. Be genuine and do good without expecting things in return or recognition. Don’t just be credible, be a bit incredible too.

Trust dictates your reputation

Word of mouth is the most powerful maker or breaker of them all. This website has gained its readership based on the trust the original members have toward it. That built a reputation. They told their friends about it and more people kept on coming. Plenty of successful bloggers have followed the same procedure. These are the nice type of stories. There are also the not-so-nice stories, such as the type of stories when a man gains horrible reputation because of cheating or because of his failure to keep promises. Your reputation is in direct proportion to the level of trust people have in you. Unfortunately, it takes some time to build trust, but only one minute of wrong thinking to destroy that trust, and maybe a lifetime to regain it – indeed, the finest things are hard to keep, even harder to be regained. Don’t believe it? Would you want someone who is always clingy and coming back despite how bad they are treated? There is your answer.

Exercises:

1. As usual, I’ll emphasize the use of a journal. When you discover things by yourself, you actually discover them; unlike discovering them by just reading them from me or anyone else. Take the time (and I REALLY mean take the time) to write down a list a characteristics of what makes the relationships with the people you trust, trustworthy. In short, why do you trust them? Why do they trust you? Write it down in a journal… It won’t take more than 5 minutes. I’ll still be here by the time you’re done.

2. Now that you have these traits or principles, how would you apply them to your life? How can you gain more trust with the girl sitting next to you in class? What kind of deep, personal question can you ask her during class so that she’s convinced to see you AFTER class? What can you do to establish trust with a customer in 30 minutes instead of 3 hours? How can your friend trust you more? Do you have the guts to trust something in them, so that they can trust you back? Can you tell her “You look great today!” so that they can see you trust yourself? Write all of these things down!

The Art of Asking Questions to Build Trust

I have written about this several times here and even made videos on it here, and also here. The art of asking questions is truly a remarkable skill given that very few people have it. I’m far from being an expert on it, I’m a beginner student but I can tell you from personal experience that writing down my questions, preparing them, and practicing my delivering have made a difference. Write down your questions, just like you’ll write down your responses and punchlines. Be a student. Practice your delivery and record yourself. Test them and see what you can do to improve your effectiveness in this art.

Some powerful questions to ask are:

* Tell me something really close to your heart
* What is one thing that absolutely needs to be there for you to connect with a guy?
* What is one thing that always makes you excited? How often do you do it?
* What was the happiest day of your life? Ask her to be descriptive
* How is the relationship in your family?
* What does your ideal date look like? Ask her to be very descriptive
* What is your dream? How do you plan to go about it?
* Can you give me your honest opinion on my personality?
* What’s your view on religion? spirituality? politics?

There are plenty of them and you can make them as you study your personality and the type of girl you want to attract. It goes without saying that common sense should tell you if they are being honest with you or not, if they are really thinking about it or not, and so on. If they are not responding well, you’re not asking the right way. Learn the right way.

A Superior Level of Trust

You know you’re trusted when you begin to receive emails, phone calls, letters that ask for advice. I’m far from that, but I can use some examples. I obviously get emails and phone calls and what not, but I’m little, I’m a newbie. Let’s talk about the big guys, the guys that inspire thousands and that thousands TRUST even though they may have never met them. There is Anthony Robbins, Jim Rohn and so on. However one guy who I take my hat off to, and would delightfully applaud is Mr. Charlie Tremendous Jones. This guy IS truly incredible – incredible as a person, role-model, and speaker. I made a video to express my condolences for his death. Check out his website and you can listen to one of his presentations for free. Buy his book “Life is Tremendous” and learn to live in a TREMENDOUS way.

Moving on… you will get to a point in which people will seek to you for advice time and time again. There will be a point where you can touch people with your wisdom, your personality, your character. There will be a time where very few people will be able to escape your influence. There will be a time when the guy you look at in the mirror can smile back and be proud of the reflection. It will happen. I promise.

Special thanks to the beautiful Crimson Lena for her picture.

But many men (and women for that matter), fear the telephone call. After breaking through every wall of resistance, after conquering every other competitor, and after a painful, awkward silence of asking for her number, you’re left with 11 or so digits scribbled down in your hand.

All that work: the approach; building rapport; having good manners; being nice to her friends; winning them over; removing the cock-blocker, whilst being honest, is for nothing unless you call that number.

This post is about gaining the confidence to pick up the phone, and dial the number. It will remove all fears, and doubts, and give you the understanding that you already have all the necessary tools at your disposal.

It’s a sad state of affairs that the only (main) way to connect with someone after an initial meeting is by phone. You’re future is in the hands of those reception bars displayed. But think of it this way, back in the old days, you wouldn’t have asked for a telephone number, oh no, you would have said, “well hopefully we’ll see each other around, toodaloo”. And then you’d have to let everything afterwards happen by chance.

Or, perhaps you would have asked for her address. Can you imagine asking someone that now? They’d think you were out to kill them. So count yourself lucky that we now have methods of connection just by digits and email addresses. You know you can do it, you’ve typed numbers in the phone a thousand times before, this is no difference. The only thing stopping you is your fear. Want to be a master of your destiny? Then pick up that phone and call the number.

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Still need more confidence? Try this exercise:

The best way to achieve your goal, is to imagine you’re already in possession of it. Close your eyes, and visualise yourself. You’ve already typed the number, and you’re talking into the phone. You hear yourself laugh, you hear her laugh, listen to what you both say, listen deeply to the tone of your voice, the speed, the rhythms and the mood.

Keep doing this until you can feel your breathing slow, and your heatbeat remains steady. Repeat the visualisation over and over again until you’ve memorised exactly what happens, until you can see it clearly infront of you. It doesn’t matter if it takes 3 attempts, or 100 attempts. Keep doing it. Your conscious mind will get through the barrier into the subconscious, and your thoughts will be turned into action.

Now, with this faith and knowledge that you have already made this phone call 100 times, you can make it into action. You don’t need a plan, you don’t need ‘material’ – your subconscious will provide all of that.

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You make that call because you have a desire. You have a goal and a dream, and the only way to make it a reality is to type in those digits and press the green button. Remember this goal as you speak, keep it in mind, and don’t beat about the bush. There is one rule of every phone call you’ll ever make you should know. A rule that took me a long time to realise and understand:

• Only make a call when you have positive value to give.

When you call, forget the bullshit that others say about having material, routines, jokes and gossip stacked up and ready for when the conversation runs dry. All this stuff is already there, you already have a decade or more of experiences to fall back on. And these experiences are real. They’re your own truths that portray you for the man you really are. When the time comes for your story to be told, tell it. You may be thinking, when you have a conversation, you simply don’t get the impulses, or connections to tell the story. i.e. nothing reminds you of the event, so you don’t tell it.

That’s because you aren’t listening, or rather you’re listening too hard. When an impulse comes, it’s a faint, distant tremor at the back of your mind – literally. It’s simply a few neurons firing up, then dissipating just as quickly. With practice, you can listen to these, allow them to fire up and then jump on them, seizing the opportunity and reminding yourself of the event as you bring it from the subconscious to the conscious mind. It’s a skill that’s easy, and quick to develop. Look around you right now, everything has a story. The paint on the walls, the photo frame, the picture, the PC or mac, the speakers, the floor…they all have stories.

Just by looking around, you’ll probably find over a thousand stories. So worrying about running out of things to talk about is nonsense. You’ve already picked up the phone, you’ve got a goal, be polite and get on with it.

“Hello?” She says.

“Hey Sammy, it’s David from last night at Bar Mambo’s.” He replies.

“Hey! How’s it going?”

“Sweet as thank you…” and this is the moment of choice.

It’s at this point, 4 seconds within the phone conversation that you can decide whether you want to be direct and ask to meet up right there and then, or to get some dialog going. If you’re choosing out of fear, forget it. You’re doomed. Fear is utter crap. It’s an illusion that holds you back. It’s a lie, created by you, for you. So what, you run out of things to talk about and there’s a silence. A silence that lasts six seconds. Who cares? That’s it, an absence of sound that can actually be beautiful, peaceful and a sign of true friendship. Make that choice, but make it from love.

Got positive value to give? Then have a conversation. Don’t have positive value to give just yet? Well, be direct, organise to meet up sooner rather than later, at a time when you do have positive value to give. She’s been kind enough to give you her number which, means that she does want to talk to you again. In fact, it wouldn’t be surprising if she’s just as nervous as you are. So enjoy the fact that already you have something in common, and give both of you the respect of being honest.

But what exactly does this positive value mean? Quite simply, if you have faith that you can make her day better emotionally, intellectually, spiritually or otherwise, then you have positive value to share! On the other hand, if you’re feeling a bit down, and you think that you might actually bring her down with you, then leave it. Wait until you’re in a great mood, and use your faith to share goodwill.

Asking For A Second Date

Or a first…depending on the circumstances. Lot’s of people wonder what’s the best way to go about it. Some spend hours deliberating over their choice of words, the angle of approach, indirect or direct, but hell, you could have your answer within five seconds. All you have to do is ask…

“Sweet as thank you. I really enjoyed last night, so I’m calling to invite you out (again) later this week.”

Read the entirety of the conversation written above from “Hello?” In total, it lasts about six or seven seconds. That’s it, there in front of you is the way to ask for a second (or first) date. Read the line above out loud. It sounds a bit weird doesn’t it? It doesn’t sound like you, and that’s because it isn’t. Say it in your own words, but notice how when you remove the pauses, the ‘errs’ and ‘ums’ the whole things seems so much more direct and powerful.

When you desire something enough, you won’t hesitate. By pausing, slurring your words, and putting a few ‘hmms’ in there, you’re showing her that you’re hesitant. That means that you don’t have a great enough desire, you don’t know exactly what you want, and thus you can’t trust yourself. If you can’t trust yourself, then how can you expect her to?

Don’t soften the blow of rejection by building a cushion to land on prior to asking. Scrap the, “I was just wondering…if you’d care to…fancy…whether…interested in…perhaps…possibly…by chance…” and take the bullet. If she say’s “no”, then you’ll just have to find another girl out of the 3.4 billion women in the world who will say “yes”. Or, you could try again next week.

Imagine a fight, between two men. The winner gets the girl. Before you engage in the fight, you get a bean bag and put it down where you might fall. Then you pick up nice soft gloves and put them on, then you put on your safety hat, eye goggles and cricket box. The other guy stays bare knuckle and hits you square on in the face whilst you trip over your own bean bag. Smooth. By no means am I saying that you should stage fights to win girls, but just grow up a bit. Life is too short to mess around.

So I hope this post has removed any doubts you may have had previously about making that phone call. Just picture yourself in the position of your desired state…you’ve already made the call, you’re talking right now. Let your thoughts turn into actions, and press that green button! Come on, she’s waiting.

A gentleman is a rare thing these days, so much so that the attraction towards one has never been greater. To be called a ‘real gentleman’ is an honor, one that you should take pride in and cherish. How many men do you know that hold a door open for a lady, send hand written thank-you notes, attend every event without fail and always maintain good conversation? How many men do you know that are thought of everyday by ladies as they talk about their social circles and the gentlemanly attributes the men in question inhabits?

Well, from today, you have the opportunity to know one man: Yourself.

Top Ten Dating Manners

1. Say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’. It’s so simple, yet forgotten by so many. It’s courteous and polite to say these words of good faith, it keeps the mood positive and removes any possible conflict. When you’re out at a bar, ordering a drink, start your sentence with “Please can I have…” If you’ve ever worked behind a bar, you’ll know how much of a pleasure it is serving a genuinely nice person for a change.

Social proof is more attractive than being a hard-nut, and so by saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, you’ll gain more smiles from the people around you. More smiles equals greater rapport, and the more rapport you have with others the higher your social proof. Girls enjoy being secure, so build a comfortable environment by befriending everyone around with these effortless words.

2. Conceal your dislikes and disgusts. Nobody likes a moaner, and especially not on a first date. After spending the most part of an hour or more getting ready: hair, make-up, clothes and shoes (not to mention accessories), the last thing a girl wants is to hear you tell her about your disgust for politics, feet and all things fluffy. Keep things positive by talking about the things you love instead.

Besides, the whole point of this first date was to try something new, explore new opportunities and to live life in great company. So take this further by making yourself open to changes in your own beliefs. Maybe, just maybe she’ll have the most beautiful feet you’ve ever seen that secrete majestic perfume.

But when something does arise that you feel strongly against, do yourself a favour and use your other gentlemanly skill of conversation to digress onto a new topic that’ll provide some entertainment.

3. Be a good listener because she will value that so highly it’ll set you way above the rest. Most men get bored very easily listening to a lady talk about female topics because they have no initial interest. If you already have a bit of knowledge on the topic, it’ll be easy to stay engaged. If you don’t, here lies the perfect opportunity to gain some.

Two ears, one mouth. Aim to listen twice as much as you talk, and not only will you find that it makes your night easier, it also develops comfort and trust as the more she talks to you, the more willing she becomes to tell you more. Yet this doesn’t mean sit there in silence nodding your head like a pigeon, ask intelligent questions that require some thought. Engage in a deep topic, and bring it up to a higher level so that nothing seems off limits between you.

4. Hold the door open for every lady that walks by. You’ll get bored, frustrated and wonder what on earth the point is, until you get that one smile and glimpse of feminine beauty as she graces unhindered through the doorway. Whether it’s huge handbags, gigantic prams, or mammoth shopping bags, girls will always have stuff with them. As you stand there, waiting for your date to hurry up in the restroom, make yourself useful and open the door, everytime.

If your date happens to see this, all the better for you. She has now visual evidence that you are a gentleman, someone that will help her when she has a towering load of stuff. On a deeper level, by opening doors you are increasing the flow and connectivity of the world; removing resistance and hampers.

How to Be a Gentleman: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners

5. Don’t answer that phone. As a precaution, you should turn it on silent or turn it off completely before the date. Answering the phone, or sending a text will abrupt everything. Every laugh, smile and previous conversation will go dead. And the only way to revive it is to say, “so, where were we?” No, you’re here for a reason, and that’s to connect with this girl, not to speak into your phone.

If you can feel it vibrating in your pocket, ignore it. Lot’s of girls will exclaim excitedly, “Oo! Vibration, look who’s got friends” as they take out their phone but that doesn’t mean you should. Stand for your own beliefs. But if a time comes when it’s imperative to answer, at least have the courtesy to let it ring until the conversation has finished, or to take it in the restroom.

6. Give up your seat to anybody in need. Old or young, pregnant or not, if they need your seat for whatever reason, give it to them with a smile. Even if they’re young, and don’t need assistance, give it up for a girl. It may be the kindest thing that’s happened to them all week. But take caution, when on a date, this doesn’t still apply to the same extent.

There are many benefits to giving up your seat, and they include burning more calories, gaining stronger leg muscles, having the opportunity to begin conversation with the recipient and showing everyone a good example of how a gentleman should be.

7. Never use vulgarisms. This means don’t swear, ever. You should never feel the need to swear in the first place, if you do, then you’re not in control. Swear words are harsh sounding, piercing to the ear and automatically associate yourself with people lower language quality. The spoken word should maintain a steady timbre; a beating rhythm that is only heard when you listen closely. Don’t break this rhythm with a single word.

8. Give sincere compliments because this is the surest way to develop trust. You know not to smother a girl in praise, adoration or affection because this will lower the value of each compliment, possibly to the extent that she is repulsed by them. If you think your date is beautiful, then pluck up the courage to tell her so.

Compliments have a scale though. Saying “wow, you’re beautiful” has a much greater effect then “aw, you’re cute.” So change the frequency of compliments in relation to their scale. Use them with honesty and humor, but always keep in mind that she’s probably heard it ten times before. Somehow then, your compliment has to be worth the most. How do you do this? By having belief.

9. Have good eating habits. Too many dates go horribly wrong when a piece of fish or something similar gets stuck on your chin, just where you can’t see it. Sadly, the girl is embarrassed to tell you, so for hours this piece of fish sits quietly on your face. Avoid it happening by chewing with your mouth closed, not speaking whilst eating, taking smaller bites and using your napkin.

At the same time, set the example. Always point out to the girl if she has something on her face, show that you don’t talk until you’ve swallowed, and wash it down with a hearty gulp of water. Remember to use a knife and fork, and whilst we’re at it, keep elbows below karate style heights.

10. Be patient. Whether she’s ten minutes late, or there are no taxis about, stay calm. There’s nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good evening by huffing and puffing about the delay on the train home. There are two ways of looking at it, you can either believe that the government has not funded enough money into the public transport infrastructure, or you can take it as a great opportunity to talk for longer with your date, possibly even go for a romantic walk whilst you wait, or even have another drink. Who knows, maybe she’ll invite you back to hers as it would be so bad for her to leave you stranded after such a nice night out.

No doubt, journals are crucial. After I recorded the video Clarity in 2009 (mind the bad lighting for this one), I received some emails specifically about the journal part. Like I said in the video, I understood the importance of journals, but I wasn’t necessarily using it to its full potential. This article explains how I made transition, it’s pretty lengthy (2956 words), but it’s worth reading it. It took me almost 7 hours to finish it. If you don’t have the time to finish it now, feel free to print it out and take it for reading somewhere else.

I first began to journal with the Lifestyle Challenge that Ian Smith and I created almost a year ago. Later, I was reminded of it when I attended a seminar hosted by SUCCESS magazine (excellent event). I actually got a free ‘Jim Rohn Leadership’ journal there and I began to jot down thoughts, ideas, and emotions on it; but after a while, I grew less motivated to do handwriting. So I moved on to computer journal and I started my journal in a Word document, but still I lacked a bit of discipline in keeping up with it, although both forms DID help me bring more clear answers to the questions that before wandered in my head without answers, or sometimes, questions that I asked other people, yet their answer wouldn’t satisfy me. But when I really started getting the hang of it (you never get the hang of it the first time), I started asking questions in such a way that I would answer my own questions, either as I wrote, or later on in a sudden moment. (By the way, now I use Google documents, it is much easier to keep up with and it allows you to do an easy ‘Search’ function.)

There is some sort of magic that takes place when you ask yourself well-worded questions – well, it’s really the beauty of the mind and body. These well-worded questions not only help you connect with yourself, but also to really connect with others. We have a journal section in our forum that members use to track their progress or tell a particular story. And it won’t take too many questions to ask so that you know that the use of a journal is incredibly efficient. For one, many of them share that writing their story made them realize something they hadn’t realized before. Second, one member’s journal entry can be read by others, making them closer and also, seeing a real life experience (it’s a lot easier to learn that way, instead of the ‘do this, do that’). I think it’s safe to say that in this forum, members know each other better than in any other . Now, let’s explore what well-worded questions are, and why they are so efficient.

Well-Worded Questions

The first thing we need to realize is that well-worded questions do not give immediate answers. In fact, most of your initial answers will only serve to clear up that which doesn’t work. Well-worded questions are true seekers. They find what is true for you. You can also use well-worded questions or well-worded statements to make someone else find what’s true for them, and you watch, they will love you. Only you can ask yourself these questions. You WILL meet some great people who will ask you great well-worded questions and will change your perspective completely, but that will not always happen. For most of your life, it has to be you who does it. Yes, there will be a point where you can ask questions to others that are so deep, that will have powerful realizations, but it all must begin with you.

Second, these questions take some time, do not give up. At the beginning you will ask questions that are not so appealing, but with time you will ask yourself some killer questions. You must immerse yourself into your journal. You will feel silly at the beginning, but that will evolve, sometimes in the course of 5 minutes, sometimes in the course of 5 days. For instance at the beginning, I asked myself ‘How can I make this routine work?’, but of course, I didn’t find any inspiration for the answer, yet as I kept writing, the questions evolved to ‘Why a routine?’, ‘What makes a routine work’?, ‘Can I use something else besides it’?, ‘Why am I so worried about making this work?’, ‘Why do I want it to work?’, ‘What will I accomplish if it works?’, ‘If it works, is it fulfilling’? you know the rest of the story. It’s a funny feeling, really. When you begin writing these questions, you actually find it a bit hard to stop at times and others, hard to continue – keep going, the answer will pop up. Here are some questions directly pulled out from my journal. It is safe to assume that the wording of these questions are appealing to me. And they may not be appealing to you, but they will get the point across.

I began with these questions

Are the people in my life real?
Am I being completely honest with them?
I want a beautiful girlfriend with a certain number of traits. What are those traits?
Am I being thoughtful to my friends?
Am I being as human as I can be?
Am I constantly seeking to make friends?
Why am I so focused on making friends?
I have to talk to more people. Attend to more events. And be THERE.
What do I want my life to be like? What do I want my life NOT to be like?
Am I understanding people more each day?
Am I identifying with them?
Am I being true to my family? Am I calling them enough? And doing enough for them? Am I being a good son? A good brother? A good role model?
Am I ready to commit?

Here is how they evolved

* How can I be completely honest with people? Why do I need to be honest with people? What will be the consequences if I’m not honest with them?
* How can I meet AND keep the woman I will deeply fall in love with?
* How can I be more thoughtful to them? What are some good and simple ways to show appreciation to them? ‘Thank you’ cards, random text messages wishing them a great day or good luck on their exam when they are not expecting it, an email with an e-card that makes the smile, treat them to a nice dinner every now and then.
* How is one more human? How does one get rid of the masks we are conditioned to have? What will happen if I’m not human? What will happen as I become as human as I can be?
* I wanted to seek to make friends, why? How will I make friends? What traits do I want these friends to have? How will I keep a great friend? What will be the nature of a friend relationship? It’s clearly not someone who only comes to see you when there is a beer at home. How then?
* How can I understand people more? What questions or statements I can make to understand them more? To get to know them more? To get them to trust me? How will I know once they have understood me? What will happen when I have the ability to understand people more? What will happen if I don’t?

The list goes on, but I’ll cut it off there for now, or the article will be too long. I think you can see some notorious differences. The first entry was a sort of auto-evaluation, it’s a way of getting in touch with truth. It will help you figure out where you stand. This is not science, by the way. You don’t have to be a super genius to answer those questions, but you do have to trust your instinct. Don’t sabotage yourself over the answers either. I wrote the answers separately, of course. Those answers (some that can come in writing, others come in your head in an instant) led me to write down other questions, better questions. And as I wrote those questions, more interesting things happened. What happened? I got answers. And these answers gave me me a clarity that I hadn’t felt before. I’m more driven. I’m more determined. And I gotta tell you, while the journal didn’t do it all by itself, it certainly was one of the most influential parts of it.

Note: It is obvious to assume, that you must use your own questions.

By the way, it doesn’t always have to be those kind of ‘generic questions’. You can also apply them for whatever instant moment you want. For example, in sales, there is this saying that goes “He said something, but he was saying something completely different”. This simply means, someone can say something, but they mean something completely different. Well, I kept asking myself “How can I figure out what he is saying, instead of what he says?”, there were plenty of answers that begun with the list of patterns on the movements every prospect would make. So I wrote those down, then I wrote down how I worded the questions I asked (I must say sometimes we don’t realize how poorly we ask questions), and then I begun to see patterns that allowed me a bit of more success and understanding in sales. It’s the same with the opposite sex, especially women *cough*. Write down your questions, and stay on them until your questions are so powerful and specific that you can not help but to be inspired by them.

The Answers to your questions

If you thought the questions were tricky, wait until you try to come up with your own answers. It can be a lot trickier and a lot more frustrating. For instance, once I wrote this question “Why is it that I stop trying when I see something getting away from me?”. This was not really the proudest moment in my life, but I share it here because I know there will a be reader or two who can relate to this question. The answers that came up at first were vague. They were usual one-liners. ‘I’m scared’, ‘I’m not used to this’, ‘Maybe I don’t have interest’, and obviously none of the answers felt right. I remember this particular question took me days to figure out. I would write and think about it, often. More often than usual. The answer came to me one day when I asked my dearest friend “Tell me one thing about me that I probably don’t know”. She took a couple of seconds to make up her mind and study my face and she calmly said “I think… that when you commit to a relationship, your vulnerability will show and you will become weak. That’s why you don’t commit to many. Other people may buy it, but not me”. I had my answer.

That answer by my friend was key. I can clearly remember saying “She told me this and how true is that? She probably knows me better than I know myself, how many things about myself am I not aware? How could she know this? What experiences have we had that can lead her to this conclusion?” Well, we did date shortly and later slept together several times, not just that, but we’ve had those intelligent conversations often. So she does know me pretty well. I remember saying “So, it is true. I’m afraid”. Beautiful, I was sure now and I just needed to know why. As I was in the treadmill one night, the answer popped into my head. “You’re scared because you’re afraid of investing time again and not seeing results”. Now, this sounds like a pretty common answer, duh, but there is a big difference when the answer comes from WITHIN rather than outside. Huge difference. The answers from outside helps you memorize and act it out to go from there, while the answers from inside help you to realize and live it out. What a difference.

Be aware, as you write, some ideas will come to you in crystal clear words and you’ll have an ‘Aha!’ moment, others will be pretty blurry in your mind and your job will be to write it down until you figure it out. For instance, if you ask yourself “What does a magic moment look like?”. You can surely picture a magic moment in your head (Chances are you’re picturing one right now) but can you live that magic moment at once? Maybe not. If I asked you to describe how a magic moment can occur, then you may have a bit of trouble doing so, even when you can see it clearly in your head! Isn’t that crazy? But if you begin to write, and write, and write, you will get to a point where you can actually describe and feel pretty accurately how that magic moment can be created. You will have gone from imagining a magic moment to having enough knowledge and within-education to know how to CREATE that magic moment. In other words, you will take the invisible and make it visible.

The difference that makes the difference

Writing it. Writing it makes the difference. Someone said it “Writing is the beginning of wealth”. I’m by no means very wealthy, but writing has enriched my spirit so much. When you write it, you remember it. It’s so crucial. Jim Rohn said it “If an idea is worth listening to, worth reading, worth remembering it, then it’s also worth capturing it in your journal. And there are many reasons for making the effort to capture good ideas, not the least is the simple fact that the simple act of writing something on paper helps to make the idea firmer in our mind.” Of course, it’s not just ideas, but questions, quotes, pictures, and realizations too. Write down everything as it comes into your mind. Don’t focus about organizing it by segments. Let it flow and soon you’ll be more organized than you can imagine. My entries actually have quotes all over them, because I will happen to read something and I just know I have to write them down because if not now, they will be helpful later. You can go back to your past journal entry pretty easily and see how you thought back then and compare it to how you think now, or you can check for unanswered questions that you’d like to answer now. You can check it for a great idea that you couldn’t apply at the moment, or you forgot to apply it, but now you’re free and able to apply it. But if you had never written that idea down, you could never apply it – then or months later.

I will re-state the question I asked in the video I linked you earlier, What could be more important than improving things so that they give you the best result? What could be more important than writing down my questions to ask the next girl you meet, or the next prospect you’ll help? What could be more important than writing down your presentation or a new funny line or a new way to make her day, or his day? What could be more important than understanding yourself? Is it worth doing so? You better believe it. Whether you want to improve your dating life to get one girlfriend or if you want to live it like a playboy, the advise is the same, get a journal and write on it. If you’d like to share a public journal – one than you can always easily go back to – then join our forum and I’ll create one for you. If not, go ahead and use Google documents, it’s the best that I found. If you can afford it, I recommend “The Journal” software too.

I encourage you to be a professional. A professional is a serious student, one that studies his or her entire life, not just one who goes to work everyday for a paycheck. Be a serious student of your life by jotting down ideas, quotes, feelings, questions to your personal life, questions for your relationships, your goals, and even to-do lists. When I’m outside, and I hear something amazing (it happens often when you expose yourself) I write it on my cell phone and when I get home, I write it on my computer. You should do the same. I used a pocket-notebook before for notes outside home but I have switched to cell phone now – you know, technology . If you’re going to attend an important event where there will be need to use something besides your cell phone, and cannot take a laptop, then definitely take a notebook. You’ll be amazed at how many ideas you can collect in a week when you begin to write them down. Write them, before you forget them. There is nothing as effective as the answers that you can come up with, because you will feel an automatic drive to apply them. There is no telling in what you can realize when you write. There is no telling in what you can become if you keep a journal. There is no telling what you can do if you live as a serious student. I know you want to be one. If you finished reading this, then you definitely want to be it. Congratulations.