“The glue that holds all relationships together — including the relationship between the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.” – Brian Tracy

“For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe” – H. L. Mencken

Trust is the most essential component of any relationship – business or romantic, it makes no difference. Trust has to be there. Many components can be there, but if trust isn’t one of them, not many things will get done. For instance, a girl may find you attractive, but if she doesn’t trust you, you are not going anywhere with her. You may have a million dollar idea but if the people who can help you don’t like you AND trust you, you will not go too far. Trust doesn’t pop out of the blue;  it’s built with questions and acts.

The deeper and more personal the questions and acts are, the more trust that will be built. Fear not asking personal questions. Do not just settle for the superficial ones. Ask for opinions, ask for feedback, ask them to be sincere. Don’t just ask them how many siblings they have, ask them how close they are. Ask her first if she is comfortable with you asking. You may begin with “Do you mind if I ask you something more personal?”. Don’t go straight into a super personal question, let the ball be on the other person’s court. If she feels comfortable with you asking that, she’ll give you the green light to keep going.

First Truth: Trust yourself.

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

As mentioned in the article of leadership, you cannot trust others until you trust yourself – let alone others trusting you unless you trust yourself. That won’t happen. When you go ask for that sale, dive in with conviction and power that you trust in yourself and your product, and more important that the customer will benefit for it. When you go for that girl, go in there convinced. Trust yourself. Trust that you ARE indeed the best option for her, because indeed you ARE the best option for as long as you believe it.

Trust your belief system. There is no way to fool your beliefs. How could you? If you don’t believe that you can sell, then you won’t sell. If you don’t believe you can get that girl, then you won’t. The opportunities and signs will be there, right in front of your face, and yet, you won’t see them because your belief just doesn’t let you see them. Beliefs are that powerful. There are several things that affect your beliefs, but the most important of them all is the people you associate yourself with. Do your family members believe in succeeding? Do you enjoy your work and workplace? Do you believe in your boss or manager? Do you believe in what you do? If you don’t believe in it and if you don’t love it enough, then you will not get others to trust you there. Never, ever, ever.

Trust your thoughts. If you’re thinking about something, dive in. Take action soon enough before you become too doubtful. With time, you’ll be sharp enough to make the decisions that are best for you.

Second Truth: Trust others first, and yes, it is risky.

“Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him.” - Booker T. Washington

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” – Frank Crane

I have been let down, burned, and slandered several times, especially when I first began my ‘career’. There was a gentleman who consulted with me several times through email about issues that he had and I gladly helped. One day, he asked to be part of the ‘team’ and I told him no because he wasn’t mature enough yet. He became angry and cut off any communication. Weeks later he started posting that I was scamming people and I was only interested in money. There have been other times where I trusted girls, co-workers, and even friends for this website, only to be let down. Yet, today I’m beginning to see much more positive results. I’m more often blessed than disappointed. I have met extraordinary people who I’ve become really close with and all because I began trusting them. I trusted them before anything without expecting anything in return. And boy, it has paid. You see, there is something magical about the people you attract. The law of attraction doesn’t fail; you attract that which you think of most often.

The most important component in Trust: Honesty.

“The man who cannot endure to have his errors and shortcomings brought to the surface and made known, but tries to hide them, is unfit to walk the highway of truth.” - James Allen

There are two types of honesty – one with others and one with yourself. The former is easier, the latter is complicated. It’s a lot easier to be honest when everyone is seeing what you’re up to, but it’s more tempting to cheat while you’re by yourself. You can justify your dishonesty in whatever way you want and no one will judge because you’re all there by yourself. For instance, you can go talk to that girl because of all the pressure your friends are putting on you, but will you do it once you’re by yourself? You may not cheat on your exams, but are you stealing essays from the internet for your homework? If so, are you really being honest? You can post all you want about your achievements, but are you really doing productive things when you’re alone? How real is your honesty? Tom Church mentioned in his amazing article “Honesty and confidence”, “Be honest in your confidence, and be confident in your honesty. I’m glad to have him as a friend, I couldn’t have put it better myself!

Here are some things you can do to begin exercising your honesty, and thereof, your trust. Have a conversation with a trustworthy friend and ask him to be completely honest with you about how you behave. What things you can improve. Recall old scenarios and bring the truth out. Keep in mind, not necessarily your best friend or the person who won’t hurt you, but rather someone who you can trust being honest – in short, someone who can get down to business. Keep your cool as there may be plenty of stuff you won’t like. Don’t be a douche by starting to yell at them for telling you the truth. Let them speak, do not cut them off. LISTEN. Oh, there, listen is another essential key to trust. Are you listening well?

Be honest to yourself when being alone. Do not give in the temptation. For instance, two days ago I fell into juvenile behavior by watching pornographic content. I have made a commitment to not do it, and although I have reduced it dramatically, I still fall every now and then. What about you? Are you telling someone something but doing something else when you’re alone? Telling someone you read when you didn’t read anything? I know it’s tempting, but do not give in! If you didn’t read, tell that person you didn’t read. Better a small disappointment now followed by great pride in honesty, than you being disappointed at yourself and no pride of honesty at all.

Trust Violation

“If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens,regain their respect and esteem. It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all of the time; but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Once trust is violated, it’s very unlikely to return. If you’ve been bankrupt before, how long was it before banks and companies gave you credit? 7-10 years? If you have hurt someone before, how long was it or what did it take for that person to trust you again (if that ever happened)? You may talk to someone, you may be even friendly with someone, but can you trust someone who broke the trust you had in him or her? Trust is that important. I can only remember the redhead girl that I so much loved. We both broke each others’ trust and even though the effort was made, no one could trust each other anymore. The relationship of course went downhill. If trust evaporates, you can BET the relationship will die. It’s quite simple, yet so difficult to understand, even more accept. Trust is precious, take good care of it.

And yes, I still encourage you to trust others, no matter how risky it is. They can violate your trust, but so can you. I write this so that you get an insight into how hard it would be for someone to regain your trust. If it’s hard for someone to regain your trust, wouldn’t it be hard for you to regain someone’s trust as well? The answer is yes. NOTE: It’s hard, but not impossible.

Trusting bit by bit

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Question for you – Do you go tell someone you just met your most obscure secret? Of course not, you wouldn’t tell some things in a lifetime, there are things she can tell right away like how many siblings she has or what she does for a living, but there is usually a process – luckily, you can get better and faster at it. Bit by bit, people will trust you. They test the waters first. They want to feel safe. When women sleep with you, they first need to feel safe and secure. They need to know you won’t make a huge deal out of it, that you won’t brag about it, that you won’t give her any STD’s, even more important, that your attitude toward her won’t change after sleeping together, that either you won’t leave her or that you won’t become obsessed with her. How long it takes her to trust you with this is an estimate of how long it will take for her to trust you with sex.

Some girls take a little longer to trust and that’s alright. Be patient. Some customers take longer to say “Yes” to your order and that might be because they have been hurt in the past or because they need extra re-assurance that what you’re telling is truth. Character, integrity, and honesty will get the job done here. If you really have their best interest at heart and you persist long enough, you’ll get what you want, and help them get what they want at the same time. On that note, whenever someone begins to compare you to another person, then you’re in trouble, buddy. She trusts that person more than she trusts you. You better get going on that case

Credible VS Incredible

Passionate: Whenever I coach someone (contact me for this, I had stopped for a while but I have re-taken it now), we deal with “Credible Vs Incredible”. You can do one credible thing and build trust one brick at the time, slowly… OR you can do one incredible thing and build an entire wall quite rapidly. Ever wondered why sticking up for what you believe to be right (especially when it involves danger) is so attractive? There is your answer. You do not need to do incredible things everyday, of course, but I suggest you exercise your courage often and develop your passions – when combined, these things will be extremely attractive. Or maybe if you’re familiar with the seduction community and its tactics, then you know how effective real alpha behavior is.

Genuine Surprise: Equally or even more effective is the act of surprise. Surprising someone (in a genuine way) builds trust. Do you think sending a ‘Thank You’ card when that person is not expecting it leads to trust or makes trust stronger? Yes. Do you think sending your girlfriend flowers when she is not expecting will make her love/like you more? Yes. Surprise her. This is a good time to ignore the idiotic ‘rules’. Fear nothing. I can remember vividly when I received a huge thank you card for my efforts – I trust that person even more now. If you feel like you could surprise someone and make that person’s day, then go ahead and do it. The price? Anywhere from 3-20 dollars. The outcome? Priceless. It’s simple, go and do it.

Superior skills: We are all fascinated by people who are really good at what they do. If you’re into the pick-up-community, you would definitely trust the ‘sound’ names such as David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, or Mystery (if your favorite is not here, pardon me, I haven’t read on the community in months). If you want to learn to dance, you would trust someone who is really good at it. If I had to recommend a dance coach, it would be Crimson Lena Mortimer, that girl can shake it! . The examples are countless, but the point is one only – superior skills lead and build trust and admiration. We trust those who have superior skills on a particular area.

Boldness and being fearless: You know that dude Jeff Hardy from WWE? Girls dig him. They love the guy. He seems fearless. You know that guy in the club who will take a woman away from a group, when she was previously surrounded by 10 or more guys? Do you know that bar scene from the movie ‘Hitch’? – THAT kind of move. That’s bold. That’s creative. That’s authentic. My friend, Nick Krygier, shared a story with me about a beautiful girl in a nightclub being surrounded by 5 guys. One of his friends stood in front of the group and said something ridiculously bold to the girl; he did loud enough for her and all the guys to hear. He attracted her within seconds. He WOW’ed her. She trusted him from there on. A couple of more ‘girl tests’ and she was his. I met one of my girlfriends at the mall. She was working behind the counter. I walked up to say and after a few words, I looked back and there was a long line of people waiting to be served. I said “I’m leaving as soon as I get her number”. With that, I turned around and said “What’s your number?”. She trusted me from there on, and two days later we were on a ‘date’. Do I make myself clear here? Boldness and creativity. No need to be an asshole, just be bold.

Passion and Kindness: Nate Trimmer is an incredible guy. He is part of the world wide organization ROTARAC. I met him in my Business Law class. I knew I ‘could’ trust this guy from the get-go. There was just something about him that told me this guy was trustworthy and I was correct. Nate is very passionate about serving others and volunteering his time for others. Actually, as I write this (February 14, 2009 at 1:09 AM) he is in Mexico, probably sleeping now, but in the morning he’ll be providing medicine to kids in poor areas of Mexico to make sure they don’t get deadly diseases. I tell you, I TRUST a guy like that. What makes me trust Nate Trimmer more? We have to read the Wall Street Journal for that same class (Business Law) and what does he do? He brings the paper to campus everyday and saves it for me to just pick it up. Isn’t that incredible? I’m very thankful to him and I let him know it more often than not. I value his friendship, and again, I trust him. Nate too is beyond credible, he is an incredible being.

Genuine Friendliness: Shaun McMillan is my spiritual mentor. He doesn’t charge me a dime and I have written briefly about him in the article “The Principle of Love”. Shaun met me (He found me) during week of welcome (the week where there is sign-ups for clubs and orgs in University) and there was something about this guy that had “Genuine caring” written all over him, so I decided to meet up with him a week later. Now, we meet up weekly (to the best of our ability) and he makes it so easy for us to meet. We have served food to each other and so on. Sometimes I feel the burden of becoming more spiritual and responsible, and Shaun lets me know it in a very subtle way. However, I know and I trust that he has my best interest at heart. His friendship meets no requirement or condition and I can be absolutely sincere with him. His spiritual advice is also sound. He has helped me regain my faith in God (You gotta meet people like Shaun to realize that God does exist). For that, I trust him. Shaun – in short – has acquired trust with me because of his genuine caring and friendship. He too is incredible.

Fear not a single thing. Speak when you want to be heard. Act when you want to get things done. Train yourself when you need to succeed. Be genuine and do good without expecting things in return or recognition. Don’t just be credible, be a bit incredible too.

Trust dictates your reputation

Word of mouth is the most powerful maker or breaker of them all. This website has gained its readership based on the trust the original members have toward it. That built a reputation. They told their friends about it and more people kept on coming. Plenty of successful bloggers have followed the same procedure. These are the nice type of stories. There are also the not-so-nice stories, such as the type of stories when a man gains horrible reputation because of cheating or because of his failure to keep promises. Your reputation is in direct proportion to the level of trust people have in you. Unfortunately, it takes some time to build trust, but only one minute of wrong thinking to destroy that trust, and maybe a lifetime to regain it – indeed, the finest things are hard to keep, even harder to be regained. Don’t believe it? Would you want someone who is always clingy and coming back despite how bad they are treated? There is your answer.

Exercises:

1. As usual, I’ll emphasize the use of a journal. When you discover things by yourself, you actually discover them; unlike discovering them by just reading them from me or anyone else. Take the time (and I REALLY mean take the time) to write down a list a characteristics of what makes the relationships with the people you trust, trustworthy. In short, why do you trust them? Why do they trust you? Write it down in a journal… It won’t take more than 5 minutes. I’ll still be here by the time you’re done.

2. Now that you have these traits or principles, how would you apply them to your life? How can you gain more trust with the girl sitting next to you in class? What kind of deep, personal question can you ask her during class so that she’s convinced to see you AFTER class? What can you do to establish trust with a customer in 30 minutes instead of 3 hours? How can your friend trust you more? Do you have the guts to trust something in them, so that they can trust you back? Can you tell her “You look great today!” so that they can see you trust yourself? Write all of these things down!

The Art of Asking Questions to Build Trust

I have written about this several times here and even made videos on it here, and also here. The art of asking questions is truly a remarkable skill given that very few people have it. I’m far from being an expert on it, I’m a beginner student but I can tell you from personal experience that writing down my questions, preparing them, and practicing my delivering have made a difference. Write down your questions, just like you’ll write down your responses and punchlines. Be a student. Practice your delivery and record yourself. Test them and see what you can do to improve your effectiveness in this art.

Some powerful questions to ask are:

* Tell me something really close to your heart
* What is one thing that absolutely needs to be there for you to connect with a guy?
* What is one thing that always makes you excited? How often do you do it?
* What was the happiest day of your life? Ask her to be descriptive
* How is the relationship in your family?
* What does your ideal date look like? Ask her to be very descriptive
* What is your dream? How do you plan to go about it?
* Can you give me your honest opinion on my personality?
* What’s your view on religion? spirituality? politics?

There are plenty of them and you can make them as you study your personality and the type of girl you want to attract. It goes without saying that common sense should tell you if they are being honest with you or not, if they are really thinking about it or not, and so on. If they are not responding well, you’re not asking the right way. Learn the right way.

A Superior Level of Trust

You know you’re trusted when you begin to receive emails, phone calls, letters that ask for advice. I’m far from that, but I can use some examples. I obviously get emails and phone calls and what not, but I’m little, I’m a newbie. Let’s talk about the big guys, the guys that inspire thousands and that thousands TRUST even though they may have never met them. There is Anthony Robbins, Jim Rohn and so on. However one guy who I take my hat off to, and would delightfully applaud is Mr. Charlie Tremendous Jones. This guy IS truly incredible – incredible as a person, role-model, and speaker. I made a video to express my condolences for his death. Check out his website and you can listen to one of his presentations for free. Buy his book “Life is Tremendous” and learn to live in a TREMENDOUS way.

Moving on… you will get to a point in which people will seek to you for advice time and time again. There will be a point where you can touch people with your wisdom, your personality, your character. There will be a time where very few people will be able to escape your influence. There will be a time when the guy you look at in the mirror can smile back and be proud of the reflection. It will happen. I promise.

Special thanks to the beautiful Crimson Lena for her picture.