How to listen effectively
Most of the stuff you learn about PU will involve advice one what to say, when to say it and how to say it. I am yet to read any post about listening to a girl effectively when she is trying to say something to you.
Ever been talking to someone who isn't looking at you, fidgeting with their beer bottle and then randomly interrupts you with something completely different mid-sentence? It is irritating. So ladies and gents, welcome to Listening 101 with Giacomo. Because sometimes people just want to talk to you and don't want to hear anything in return. Besides, if you want to have an engaging conversation, you occasionally have to let the other person speak.
To start with, blocking.
Something that a good listener should be aware of is ever little thing that can block a conversation. If after reading this list of different blocks you acknowledge that you are guilty of doing one or more of them, realise your mistakes and move on along your path to enlightenment.
Rehearsing: This is something that alot of PUA theory is based on, "If she says this, I'll say this, because that is what would be best". I am afraid that if you want to become a good conversationalist you will not be able to rely on rehearsed lines. Don't predict what somebody is going to say before they say it, go with the flow, be intelligent.
Mind-Reading: Somebody says to you, "Hey Mang-Mang come out with us tonight! We really want you to come!" but in your head you are thinking "He is only asking me because he thinks it will make me feel better after my bout of Syphillis." Nobody can read minds, we can do our best to read body language to see if it is congruent with somebodies words, but don't make assumptions, they will affect your conversation. As a side note, read Meth's inner game post and see where it says "don't let others affect your inner world".
Judging: We all judge people, especially when we are speaking to them, it is in our nature. Don't however spout lamely when somebody is trying to tell you something, "oh man, you really shouldn't have done that..." Just hear them out.
Advising: Again, we all like to give a bit of advice, hoping that somebody will listen and learn from it. But shit, sometimes people are going to talk to you and are fed up with advice that everyone is giving them. Listen to what they are saying. If they want your advice, they will ask for it.
Being right: I am as guilty of this as anyone. But if you think you are always right it clashes with your subjectivity. A conversation requires an open mind and not a person acting like a mother talking to the other mothers at her pre-school. eg. "Oh no that couldn't be my Johnny, he never bites or kicks or swears."
Interrupting: I touched on this before. You are speaking to somebody and they interrupt you, it's evil. There are other ways to stop somebody from speaking then cutting them off. If you interrupt them with a question or concern related to what they are saying, fine. But don't cut in with a completely random, "You know I really hate Redheads, I think they are all less intelligent then normal people. They arn't normal." after the person was discussing their job.
Monopolising: Most PUA's are especially guilty of this. Making it all about me, me, me. Of course it is all about situation. Sometimes the circumstances call for a little all about me arrogance. But in a deep conversation the other persons opinion and thoughts must come into it. Again, be open minded.
Placating: Most PUA's know never to do this. An example would be the frustrated wife trying to control the kids, "Hubby! The kids are stabbing each other with knives! You arn't even helping! You are useless, a useless waste of space!", then the husband chimes in with, "You are right dear, I messed up..." whilst burying his head in the newspaper.
Interrogating: You all know what this is. The girl you are gaming is telling you about that time she got "Like so wasted, and like, lost her phone". Don't interrogate her with "Why would you do that? How much did you drink? I can't believe you would do soemthing so stupid, you ought to be ashamed of yourself." Seems simple, but note the amount of AFC's that interrogate in a conversation.
Ok, now. On to non-verbal communication. I will make it quick.
Eye-contact: Hold it whilst listening AND whilst speaking. Observe a conversation and I can guarantee both parties hold eye contact whilst listening, but when speaking start looking all around the place.
Smiling: Smiling is something I always make an effort to do, if someone is talking to you, keep those pearly whites a shining. Except if they are crying about losing all their family in a tragic swimming pool drowning. You are on your own there.
Body position: If you are listening to someone turn your attention to them. It is essential. Nothing is more distracting than a person who has their body turned towards the exit and doesn't look at you. I won't go into posture and how you sit properly here, read a body language book to find out about the best ways to sit when listening. A hand on the chin is always good, makes it seem like you are really thinking about what the other person is saying.
Proximity: You can have a conversation with someone over a few train station platforms. But who wants to? How well you know someone affects how close you will sit near them, but in general leaving a few feet between your faces is the way to go.
Distractions: Avoid them. Try not to fidget as it is distracting. Although if a man starts screaming fire and runs for the exit, I am sure the conversation can wait.
Minimal Encourages: "Ok", "yes", "I see", all of these small words encourage the person to keep talking and acknowledge that you are listening to them. If you don't encourage their speaking, then they will not think you are listening to them. Engage in what is happening.
And last but not least, Reflection! This is particularly useful in Psychology and interviews but it can be adapted to everyday conversation. If anyone here has seen "Enough Rope with Andrew Denton" (Australian interview show, much like Parkinson). Denton is amazing at coaxing information out of people because of how good of a listener and converser he is. If you get a chance, just watch one episode and learn from him.
Paraphrasing: This lets somebody know that you are really listening to what they are saying. If they say, "I had such a good time up at the music festival because they had cheese races where they rolled cheese down a hill and people chased it and OH MY GOD it was AWESOME!!!",
simply replying with "You really liked those cheese races didnt you?", clarifies you are listening and are interested in what they are talking about. It also shows you understand them which is intelligence +
Reflecting: Reflecting is similar to paraphrasing but it deals with emotions. Something a PUA can always use to his advantage.
"Going into the forest is amazing but I always am a bit worried that grizzly bears might show up and attack me, I am unsure as to whether I should enter it today or not..."
"I can see you feel confused because you feel nervous about entering the forest but the feeling you get from it is euphoric."
Question: This helps to open up the conversation. Dealing with the aforementioned forest conversation, a question you could use might be, "How are you going to decide whether to enter the forest or not?"
Always ask questions that open up the conversation, questions the other person cannot just give a one word answer to.
For example.
"Hey bro. When did you get back from your trip?"
"Yesterday".
A better question would have been:
"Hey Brohemian! How was your trip to Djibouti? I hear that there are pygmies there! Where did that myth come from?"
"Well cheezle dog, Djibouti is like, this mad house of a country and there are pygmy legends because the children there form tribes and never grow up because they drink 10 litres of juice from a tree called the Yuka tree per day and it stunts their growth! It's crazy cool Charlamaine!"
Being a good speaker makes you an entrepreneur.
Being a good listener gets you in the friends zone.
Being good at both makes you a brilliant conversationalist!
Use this information neonates. Use it well.
__________________
- Giacomo
We are ridiculously attractive and obscenely confident.
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