Not Being a Real Person: The #1 Self-Development Anti-Hack

[Chikito]

http://thegrowinglife.com/2008/06/no...ent-anti-hack/

My ex-wife Amanda used to cut her own hair. But occasionally she’d have her hair done by a professional. She referred to this as having her hair cut by a “real person” and she’d sometimes say things like: “I really like having my hair cut by a real person.”

The term caught.

Years after Amanda and I separated, I started using the term “real person” more broadly. In graduate school, for example, I referred to anyone who was done with school and had a “real” job as a “real person.”

But in my mind, being a “real person” wasn’t just about having a respectable job, it was about . . .
The End of Stepping Stones

So many of us live “stepping stone lives.” We spend the majority of our waking hours working for goals that are merely stepping stones to other goals. For example:

* We do well in high school so we can get into a good college.
* We do well in college so we can get hired by a good company (or get into a good graduate school).
* We do well at our jobs so we can get even better jobs and make more money.
* We join committees to pad our resumes or impress our bosses.

(Question: what would your life be like if you cut out all the stepping stones?)

So anyway, a few years ago I referred to anyone done with a formal education (who was working full-time) as “a real person.”

In my mind . . .

* Real people get up between 5 and 7am and go to work on weekdays
* Real people have the weekends off
* Real people own property
* Real people are grown ups
* Real people aren’t what their former selves wanted to be when they grew up
* Real people are married (to other real people) and tend to have children
* Real people don’t get to take a lot of chances
* Real people do not take mini-retirements or engage in long-term travel
* Real people have separate home lives and work lives
* Real people’s daily realities are owned by institutions (their pay, how they spend their time, and what they think abut during their most productive hours are determined by their employers).
* Real people gain legitimacy from schools, institutions, monetary income, etc.

Real people, however, most definitely do not get to . . .

* Take naps in the middle of the day
* Take a long Christmas vacation
* Quickly and readily implement structural changes in their lives

Back in the day, I wanted to be a real person. I wanted to be done paying dues. I wanted to be done preparing for life (so I could just start living it).

Needless to say, I don’t want to be a real person anymore. So . . .
I’ve Given Up on Being a Real Person

I don’t believe that real people lead purposeless existences. I don’t believe they’re all zombies marching to the beat of a corporate drummer. But I also know that I can’t set “realistic goals,” be realistic, buckle down, and pay my dues. Perhaps it’s because my heroes aren’t real people. Perhaps it’s because I was trained to not be a real person by my (conservative) mother who unschooled/homeschooled me into my present-day radicalism (thanks mom: it’s one of the best gifts you’ve given me).

(Note to all parents: since one of the purposes of most schools is to turn your child into a real person, the #1 way to ensure you child doesn’t become a real person is to unschool them).
Real People Aren’t Born, They’re Made

Becoming a real person is something that’s done to us. And it most definitely is something we do to ourselves. It’s something we’re socialized into becoming. We’re born as unreal people but somehow get turned into respectable members of society with good cover stories. The process happens gradually over time until we hit our mid-twenties — a time of hyper-accelerated conformity — and the process starts pacing itself.

If you’re a real person, it’s likely that your parents, your church, your schools, your college, your employer, etc. have invested a lot of time and energy into turning you into a real person. That’s because most dominant institutions have a vested interest in YOU being a real person.

Some day I may want to be a real person again, but right now (at this point in my life) I can’t stop thinking about . . .
The Benefits of Being an Unreal Person

Give me the names of 5 people who’ve brought positive change, on a massive scale, to the world, and I’ll give you the names of 5 unreal people. (As a side note: give me the names of the greatest thinkers of all time, and I’ll give you the names of people who don’t give a shit about productivity).

That’s because real people (with several exceptions) generally live in other people’s realities: the realities of their bosses, their teachers, their clergy, and their parents. (Living too long in other people’s realities, by the way, is the cause of “not knowing what you want to be when you grow up”; it’s the cause of notion that you have to make something of yourself when you grow up).

On the other hand, unreal people live in their own reality. And that’s really the key to this whole thing, because change will never take place if you’re living in anyone else’s reality but your own.

And that’s why – for the time being – I’d rather be . . .

An Unreal Person

Let’s talk a little about unreal people.

Unreal people . . .

* Tend not to live in a regimented context.
* Are light on their feet; they can implement change on a dime.

Unreal people . . .

* Understand the cost of radical growth
* Have won the battle for their minds
* Tend to do engage in alternative lifestyle design

Furthermore, unreal people tend to . . .

* Set unrealistic goals
* Not live in the “real world”
* Pay themselves (they typically aren’t paid by employers)

All of this sounds great, right? It does to me, but the trick is to not live . . .
The Fake Unreal Life

So often, people who’ve left the “real world” and “real jobs” end up working for an even more effed up boss. Themselves. They leave their screwed-up jobs only to recreate them all over again at home. (I also see this kind of thing happen with homeschoolers/unschoolers all the time: they leave the public education system but install the very same systems in their homes).

On a more positive note, I’d like to say . . .
Thanks to These Amazing Unreal People

* My grandparents
* My parents (who taught me how to be an unreal person)
* Adam King
* The Pina Family
* Amanda (who, like me, was homeschooled, and who rode her bike to Guatemala and back, sleeping in tents often off the side of the road)
* My neighbor Jeremiah Nelson
* Rudy Rauben

For more counterintuitive semantic nonsense, subscribe to The Growing Life.



Stumbled onto this (made it quite high in digg.com) and thought 'Thats us!' haha, except i'd say were the real people.

[Daniel Becerra]

Like someone one said "Dare to do what no one else does". Magic man, just magic.
This is simple and we all - or most of us at least - understand this concept by now. Thank you for sharing the article though. It's pretty damn good.
I think we are not just real, we are the real deal. God, that sounds good.

[Nicholas Fahrenheit]

I think this is an excuse for being unable to become a real person. Real people as you've put it jamie have a lot of security and stabiliy in their lives. Personally I disagree with a lot of what you've said. In terms of what makes someone real and how you regard them. It is not so cut and dry fellas. Good luck with your pusuit jamie.

[Chikito]

Obviously you didn't read this very well.
I do not have an ex-wife.

I think the use of the word 'real' when he refers to people made this a little too provocative to get his message across.

It's not about being real or unreal. The concept he's trying to get across is life is SO MUCH MORE than your job, your wife, your house, your family.

Like he say's too many people live stepping stone lives. Go to uni. Get a job. Get a wife. Get a house. Have kids. Save for kids uni. Its so sad!

There is so much to life than that! You can live and it doesn't have to be on your holidays assigned to you by bosses!

The concept that Daniel is talking about here is that life is to be lived without a structure almost. How many people's lives including my parents, are totally controlled and boxed in. What he's trying to say is. Don't ever let your life only become about your JOB, your security etc etc. Because there is so much more. Ugh im having trouble articulating what I mean.

[Trapstar]

Pretty good article Jamie but there is one thing I don't quite agree with.

(Note to all parents: since one of the purposes of most schools is to turn your child into a real person, the #1 way to ensure you child doesn’t become a real person is to unschool them).

While this might be a way to make a child not be "real" I would definitely not recommend it. Not only do you learn all the basic school subjects, you learn how to interact with other people and make friends at a "real school." That can't be taught at home. Being home-schooled is probably one of the worst ideas there could be.

Not trying to sound harsh or anything but come on.

[Chikito]

While this might be a way to make a child not be "real" I would definitely not recommend it. Not only do you learn all the basic school subjects, you learn how to interact with other people and make friends at a "real school." That can't be taught at home. Being home-schooled is probably one of the worst ideas there could be.

Not trying to sound harsh or anything but come on.

When He says un-school them he's not talking about home schooling. He is talking about removing the attitude that schools give children.

Like:
-You only have to do good enough to pass.
-A is as high as you can go, there is no need to try to go further.
-Your the same as everyone else (uniforms)
-Academics is more important than your health.
-A lot of schools don't EDUCATE they teach you how to pass exams.

[Daniel Becerra]

Lol, indeed Chikito. Indeed.
By un-school them doesn't mean "don't give them school". He is talking in figurative language really. To make a similar example, I will quote something that I heard in one of Tony Robbins' audio programs
"We live in a box. You wake up out of your box bed, you get into your box car, you sit into your office box, you go home to sit on front of a TV box and every now and then you open a cylinder (beer) for some variety"
LOL, loved that quote. It's not exact, but it's pretty close.
I don't know how it is in other countries (please, share with us?) but in the United States, people go to school until they are 26 or so and then they work their entire lives just to live check by check or maybe they have money but they are not fulfilled. That's not life. And unfortunately, the educational system (and society in general) trains the people to think this way.
I feel so lucky to have ran into a group of guys like you. It's been my light and I guarantee you, anyone who finds this site and doesn't appreciate it for what it is - a realistic approach to life's fulfillment - then he/she is missing out.

[tonatiuh8]

Yes finally someone gets it. Bravo Daniel

Her in US they teach you to be a worker instead of giving you the tools you need for the future. They tell you: go to school, get good grades, go to a good college, get a "secure" job, and then retire. But now we see that not even having a Masters or PH.D in business can get your dream.( One of my friends is in the down low thanks to this economy chaos. And this bro has a PH.D in business.). People stop persuing what they want and they stop living. There like zombies just getting by day, by day, with a few good times but getting nowhere.

[Daniel Becerra]

How secure is it to rely on somebody else to make a living? I mean, two words can change your life forever: You're fired.
What then?
Until people don't begin to realize that growth is on their hands, and not in the government or the rich people in town, then you can forget about change.

[Nicholas Fahrenheit]

Wow, theres been a lot of replies since I was here last.. I was thinking about this recently actually. I reckon theres a way to have both.. I believe there is a way of living your life to its full potential but also having security and structure. This is part of my idea..

I want to own my own business, be my own boss.. But not right away, I am hardly qualified nor wealthy enough to manage that. This is one of my ambitions, my father created his own business, worked it from the ground up then sold it to a bigger company and now can live his life. Not saying I want to sell my business, but I like the idea of having my own.

I want kids, I want to see them grow up, and I want to impart wisdom (including stuff i've learnt from here) to them, I want these lessons to be far reaching into generations to come, where even when im gone patterns that I initiated go for maybe a generation or two. I dont want to have kids because thats what everyone does. I want them for my own albeit selfish reasons. I believe (strongly) that there is a way to be both real and unreal, tying in with the concept of the modern man. This is what I strive for, a life of structure and accomplishment without sacrificing my dreams.

Thats why I said before I dont think it's so cut and dry, there are grey middle areas that the author of the article has failed to address. At any rate, although the desirability of an 'unreal' person might be more apparent, some of the traits of a real person appeal to me, as I know they do to each and every person who has replied here.

ps. In Australia parent dont pay for uni, the dont pay for 'college' I am paying for me, my education and my accmplishment is a result of MY hard work not theirs, I did well at school and the govrnment offered to pay for half of my course so I took it. This is me, not them. Some of the stepping stones appeal to me, get a job? yes! maybe not live exclusively for someone else ie working fora boss. Get a wife? hell yes! have kids? hell yes! To me those are unreal traits, just because they are what the majority do does not mean I dont want them. Thats like being different just for beng different. There is a reason that that is the social norm, its because its fun and you achieve something.