Sean and the guys on his forums really nailed exactly how I feel. Please read on cause you maybe a loner too.
i'm a loner, too. to a serious degree.
i have great friends. great family. and all that. but the defining characteristic of my life is that i'll work to find out what everyone else wants to do... and then do something different.
and as i get older, and wiser, and spend more time just accepting other people as they are, i accept these things about myself, and am happier with them.
i know i'm killing my own business here, but most of commerce, and certainly almost all entertainment, is built on the myth of romantic love. it's the idea that we are all insuffereably lonely unless we are surrounded by friends and family and especially one lover who will act not only as lover but also as confidante, best friend, and understand everything we say and feel without judgement.
this is, at best, a lil' nutty. very few married people marry their soul mate. very few people talk honestly with their friends and family. and very few people find perfection in another. but quite a few people find comfort in company.
i'm not one of them. i like being around people at times. i like talking and listening at times. and i LOVE knowing i can help people do things they can't do on their own.
but at the end of the day, i'm happiest with my own company. truly. and i don't find it sad, and i never get lonely by myself.
(but i can feel real damn lonely in a crowd.)
discover all you can about who you are, and do whatever it takes to radically accept and BE it. apologize for nothing. chances are that those regrets are feelings that there's something wrong with you the way you are, and you wish it were just easier to fit in... well, it's never easy to fit in. by definition it requires cutting something off. so decide... do you want to cut part of yourself off and fit in?
or be you as big and brilliant as you can be?
BUT... I mean humans are supposed to live in tribes, right? Also people have social needs, right? Needs that can't be satisfied by Mr. Righty or hookers. What about them?
Sure, but tribes have different roles in them. Some people are the hunters who work together, Some people are the leaders. Some are the priests. Some are the doctors. Some are the shaman who go off on their own in order to learn things they can't learn from other people in the tribe.
Some tribes have solo journeys built-in to their societies. In some tribes, you are not a man until you LEAVE the group on your own and come back with something valuable to share.
It's not as simple as saying we're social animals so we must all always be social. Social animal means, I think, that we all agree together on the basic rules in order that the group does well. Dogs are social animals, but I've had loner dogs (and they're great). Social does NOT mean sacrifice what makes you productive and happy in order to make someone else feel better. It's a balance.
As for social needs, that's a good question. I mean, the desire for sexual release is the most basic. There's no need at all for another person in order to feel orgasm. None. So that can't be it. But the desire for intimacy... well, is it a need? I'm pretty socially awkward, even now. I'm good at Large talk (philosophy, Love, meaning, etc.), and not so good at Medium and Small talk (talking not for content, but for establishing commonality and connection). I've learned skills to get along, but it's not my strength. Just the way I'm built. And I find I don't miss small talk. I don't miss intimacy. I have some people I see sometimes, and I feel good knowing they are there, but I don't pine for them when they are not around.
It's a great thing to ponder, and if you haven't seen it yet, I recommend you watch "Up in the Air." I think I got something different out of it than perhaps was intended, because my favorite part came when the Clooney character asked "sell me on marriage."
It wasn't a good sale. In fact, the clearest message I got from the movie was no matter what we do and no matter how we try to build fortresses against lonliness, we will all die alone, and that sometimes, for some people, things are better when you have company.
But not always. And not for all people.
I remain unconvinced that what I've understood to be social "needs" are really needs. All I know is the gauge of my own heart. I'm happiest and most fulfilled doing my own thing, and circling back into town every now and then for a shave and a bath, like Clint Eastwood in "Hang 'Em High" (except without all the killin').
I don't know what the social needs of "people" are. But I know mine. And they are a LOT less than I ever wanted to admit.
Consider that choosing time for yourself is NOT the same as cutting someone off. People who love you for you will accept it, no worries. It shocks me now to realize that my friends and family DO get it. They understand I'm a lone wolf, and it's cool. In fact. it's part of what makes me me. But even if I didn't, I'd be ok.
That may be the key. Can you be truly happy with your choices even if you know that others won't understand them? Can you live without the admiration of others? Could you be satisfied even if you were misunderstood?
It's easier in some ways to do what others do because it minimizes friction. It will always take more courage to be true to yourself, no matter what that is. But it's the only thing that really matters in the end.
Do what makes you the best, most productive, most helpful, and happiest person you can be. And if that means you have 20 kids, that's cool. If it means you live in a lab and go days without talking to fellow humans because you are so focused, that's cool.
But don't be one thing and WISH for another. Act on your instincts, and correct as needed as you go.
Having read this now... what are you thinking? Feeling? Tell me. Tell me off. Tell me to bag the pretentiousness. Tell me I said something you could never put into words before. Whatever. Just tell me the truth:
I'm An Attention Whore - LVo3 Forum - Helping Shy Guys Get a Great Girlfriend Since 1843!
Be happy,
Sean
I'm a loner
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